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Good question! I got told by my parents after informing them that I wanted a very small, beach wedding that "that's not a wedding, that's a bbq" and the "wedding isn't about the bride and groom, its for the family". Sigh. So after many, many fights, and tears, I gave in and we're having a huge (by my original standards) wedding for 150 with all the bells and whistles. Oh and the kicker? While my parents wanted this big wedding they refused to pay for most of the things they insisted on - like a band, limos, etc. But god forbid we don't have them or it won't be a "real wedding".
I just keep trying to insert my personality as much as possible and breathe. At the end of the day you do need to consider other people - but it is the one day that should truly reflect you and your FI. Such a struggle sometimes though!
I think the place where the line is drawn usually and should depend on where the financial lines are drawn! Of course it's always way more complicated than that, but it's a good place to start.
Whoever is paying gets to decide! I have never even met almost half of my guest list! :)
Hmmm, I think in our world, our families matter... to an extent. We're family oriented people so this is an event meant for us all. We want them to feel involved but we don't want to make it so they can chime in on decisions we feel are soley our own. Like the colors, or mode of transportation or favors, etc. But we have given them the liberty of inviting people they'd like to attend, even if we don't feel like its necessary. We don't want to get into a potential fight. So there's a fine balance and I'm not sure how to work it out. So far we've been fine. I just happen to not be a bridezilla yet but I won't rule it out. Our families have been vocal but not pushy about their opinions and they haven't been terribly upset when we've vetoed. I think all the rest of our guest, while most of which are important to us, they don't matter as far as the wedding goes. Naturally we don't want to offend anyone and we want them to come and have fun (again, most of them) but in the end this union is for my FI and me and our immediate families.
See, while I'm VERY pro-being a good hostess, I think people also forget that without the bride and groom's celebration of marriage, the wedding in question wouldn't even exits. So technically, is truly IS the bride and groom's day.
So, here's my take on the whole thing. Size, scope, style, location and date are definite "me" decisions when it comes to the couple. These are things the couple should decide what makes them, and only them, happy, and what they truly want, should go.
Things like meals, scheduling, seating and anything that affects a guests' comfort should take into consideration the guests themselves.
But yeah, I REALLY can't stand it when parents and other family and friends start telling couples they can't have their wedding THERE or during THAT month or have SUCH a small wedding. That's when I started to pull the, "You know what? It's OUR day!" card. Because when it comes down to it, you two really need to be happy first.
The whole pushing guests that FI and I don't know or care about thing really drives me bonkers but at the end of the day, they are paying for it so whatever - fine. Let them come. I won't remember (or in some cases even know) their name and I won't care because I'll be marrying the love of my life!
We drew the line at four guests. Don't budge. You'll regret it. Have the people you want at your wedding and let everyone else just deal with it. Our four person guest list was perfect for us and we didn't have to cut anybody we wanted to have there from the guest list :-).
This is an excellent question. I tend to feel my way through things, so if there is something I have my heart set on, end of story. However, I'm not what I would call "unreasonable" about that and I take the comfort and enjoyment of my guests very, very seriously. It's going to be cold. I'm knitting them scarves. I don't drink but Mom is going to need a few, so we're going to work out having alcohol. But if someone wanted to dictate the color of my dress or whether or not I wear a veil, that's just not going to happen. These are things that are personal to me.
On the other hand, we're not getting much financial help. If my parents or his parents were paying for the whole thing, perhaps I'd feel differently.
@MissHelen "I don't drink but Mom is going to need a few, so we're going to work out having alcohol." This made me laugh. :) That's nice of you to help out your Mom. Maybe some of your other guests will appreciate it too.
The idea to write this post has been growing in my mind for a while, since FI and I are friends and family with a lot of pretty laid-back people, but I've been amazed by the number of skirmishes that can occur over absolutely anything. People really do take other people's weddings very seriously - whether or not they're the ones footing the bill.
Littlebird - its truly amazing how many ideas people have in their heads about what a wedding "has to be like".
I'll never forget my dad and his best friend (both printers btw) telling me how "interesting" our photographic post-card styled save the dates were. After I spent hours designing them, lining the envelopes, and stuffing them. Sigh. We just have a very modern, non-fussy aesthetic, and my family is more into the over the top 80's style big fat italian wedding....even though we're not italian!
I think the balance point depends on what wedding issue is in question. The more important the area, the more say others want to have, and I would argue, should have.
The guest list is probably one of the most contentious areas. I too had dreams of a small wedding, then watched with fear as guest after guest crawled out of the woodwork thanks to the wishes of our parents---who were, admittedly, paying for most of it. But in the end, like you said, most of the extra guests didn't come (with a few surprises) and I wound up where I started, with a small wedding of about 80 people.
The wedding is a day, and it is your day, but some people have memories like elephants. The slight of a non-invitation can follow you around for the rest of your life if you're not careful with who you're slighting (like say, family members you'll see at those once a year holiday parties). It doesn't matter than you don't even like Aunt Sally; her invitation is one of the priveleges of blood relation.
I think you either accept the consequences of not inviting people, or you make the sacrifice and invite them for the greater good. In the interest of familial harmony, I went with inviting them. Looking back on it, I am so glad I did. I wish I had made even less fuss than I did make, because it really didn't impact my enjoyment of the day.
What drives me crazy is when people deny the natural consequences of things. Like if they insist on not inviting a close relative who they know is going to be offended by the exclusion, and then they get all bent out of shape about it when Aunt Sally looks daggers at them at every holiday thereafter. Each couple can make the choice that's right for them, but they don't make these choices in a vacuum. The wedding day is not a vacuum.
Love this post!
I'm going to ditto some of what @Miss Chapstick had to say about "us" decisions & "them" decisions, with a "me" caveat: it depends on your own priorities. (let me preface this by stating that FI & I are footing the WHOLE bill on our own - OUR decision - both sets of 'rents offered to help)
I agree that size, scope, style, etc. of the wedding is a "us" (as in the couple) decision. However, there are certain aspects of the "us" decisions that merit some consideration for your guests. Our anecdote: Some of our VIP people have are more comfortable with a "formal/fancy" wedding (FI's side) than others. My Hawaii-born&raised VIPs would be VERY uncomfortable at a "fancy" wedding. We took this into consideration when deciding our wedding style...which is going to be daytime, aloha attire inspired. It was a high priority that ALL our guests feel comfortable at our wedding.
I also agree that meals, accomodations, scheduling, etc. are very "them" decisions. We took into account that many of our close friends & relatives already have children, that these children are important to us as a couple & they should be considered in the food & bev options. So we went with Brunch choices & got the full bar because it was the only one that included juice. We also took kids into account when planning our ceremony & reception - we realized that getting a sitter is difficult for late night revels, so we eliminated the usual dancing & replaced it with tickets to Disneyland (our favors to each guest) to spend with each other (& hopefully with us) as the "reception". It was a high priority to make sure ALL our guests were having fun at our wedding.
But please note: NO ONE else had a "say" as FI & I made these decisions...none of the guests were consulted about their comfort or their opinion of fun. FI & I decided what WE thought would make others comfortable or have fun, based on what WE wanted to do AS WELL. The only people we ran things by were my MOH & her husband (both Hawaii-born) & my BM & her husband (close, local friends of both FI & I, who also happen to be parents) & that was just to check if what we had decided made sense. Relatives (including parents) & other friends didn't have a "say" in our wedding.
I've never really thought of things like, "I prefer a small wedding" or "I want something low key" as Bridezilla-esque. I always think of people who want everything as lavish and over the top as possible, but lose sight of being a good host/hostess, as the quintessential zilla.
Having a style and a preference is necessary. Screaming at someone because you wanted aubergine purple, NOT royal purple, counts as zilla-esque. And really, it is the screaming, not a feeling of, "darn, not exactly what I wanted, oh well."
@ms.pascua
Your wedding sounds awesome! I'm personally not a Disneyland type, but in that situation, and for your reasons, that is just so cool. You will have some really great memories.
Oh, this is something I have just started to struggle with. Throughout the first six months of our wedding planning, the target goal for the guest list was 120 people. Now, it has ballooned to 200+, many of whom are people that I would not recognize if they walked up and slapped me in the face. I had (and am still having) a bit of a hard time coming to terms with the fact that there might be people attending my wedding who are nearly complete strangers to me, but the bottom line was that my parents are willing to offer more money to cover the cost of these guests. So, there's really not much I can say. A bitter pill to swallow, but not something I feel that I can really make a fuss about.
Luckily it hasn't been much of an issue (probably because we are paying for the entire wedding). But my mother has made a couple suggestions which I ended up being appreciative of because they were things that had slipped my mind. But she hasn't said it like "oh but you have to do (fill in the blank)". Maybe my mother is just being crafty- because its all in how you phrase it, right? Now, co-workers and other random people- thats another story. Full of wacky opinions. But as they say... opinions are like ***holes= everyone has one!
I think who pays makes the biggest impact on who decides. Those who are paying could take into account guests' preferences, but they don't have to. Of course, the downside is guests might not have a good time or not even show up.
FI and I have personally been very attuned to guests' needs. We figure that if we didn't want to try to accommodate people, we could have had a tiny DW, but if we chose to invite them, we should be considerate. For instance, we chose our date and location based on family needs as much as ours. My brother had finals and was graduating college in May 2011, my grandparents couldn't handle the heat during any summer months, my mom couldn't take vacation in April or October - all of these restrictions were really annoying to deal with, but we found a date that worked for everyone in the end. For the location, we chose the most central city based on where everyone's driving from - yes, it would have been easier to hold the wedding closer to where we live, but a lot more people would have had to drive in and stay overnight.
@monitajb: Thanks! FI & I had to put a LOT of thought into it...hope everyone who comes thinks as much of the wedding as you do! So far, so good!
At the risk of sounding like a cliche 'bridezilla,' the other people only matter when you know them. I hate to say this, but weddings are not just for the family or for business associates/friends from 2nd grade you haven't seen since then - they are for the bride and groom and those closest to them. That's why ours is small, intimate and will only include those we know and talk to regularly (and that we could put faces with names sort of deal).
Again, it's all opinion but I think the notion of a 'bridezilla' has made us all a bit on edge and minding our p's and q's to an extent that it makes us crazy. It's ok to be opinionated - it's NOT ok to be a brat with an authority complex and make everyone around you miserable.
My 2 cents.
Bella
i think bridezilla is more about how you say things than what you say.
a little zilla
"no i don't want them at my wedding, you can't invite them I don't know them" (in whiny voice of course)
Same sort of thing but no zilla
"It is so nice that you want to include them in our wedding but we are trying to limit the guestlist to people we know personally"
I also think it is bridezilla to demand things of people or expect that things should be different for you because you are a bride! (like how you treat people)
also i think most people who are bridezillas are peoplezillas. manners are manners for everyone
As a slightly different take on the matter, I think it can also depend on whether you have siblings and whether those siblings have been married yet. We are both the youngest in our families and I happen to be a 30something bride (well, I'm married now, so guess I'm not a bride anymore!). Both families had already been through one or more traditional weddings, so when it came to us, honestly, both families were kind of over the large, traditional wedding thing so they let us do our thing.
But I also agree that it has to do with who is footing the bill. We pretty much paid for the whole thing and I think that also affected how much families got involved.
In response to those who have said that the contribution of money to the wedding should be the primary factor determining how much of a say someone gets in wedding planning: I agree that money is too important to pretend that it doesn't exist, and indeed it is often the elephant in the room, but I would hope that it wouldn't trump other concerns. For example, if my FILs are not contributing financially to the wedding, does that mean that we should tell them we aren't inviting their relatives if we don't want to - meanwhile, my parents are footing the bill, so they get to invite everyone they want? I suppose personally I subscribe more to the method of going with my gut, as described by others here. If it feels like it's important to someone in a way that will last as a bitter feeling in years to come, then it's important enough to at least seriously consider acquiescing on. I know, easier said than done when something is really, really important to you. I've got a few huge battles like that coming up for sure.
Guestlists are the toughest. Which flowers?....People should not get hot under the collar about what the bride wants. But the guestlist (sigh). I agree about who pays gets a say. If your parents are footing the bill, and you want that money, for example, you should be aware that if mom is paying for the invitations, she has power to veto your favs.
However, in the example you give, about the groom's parnets not paying, but the brides parents paying, I'd say, that it could be handled a couple of ways. If the bride's parents are paying for the entire wedding, I think some of that money needs to be allocated for the groom's side. If the bride and groom are omstly paying, but the bride's parents are giving them a little help to offset the cost of some relative, I think it's OK to limit the groom's invites some. BUt some things come to mind like, does the bride's family have alot of money? Is the groom's family strapped for money? So many things come to paly. But of course, pretty much eradicting the FIL's family is probably not good for fostering good relationships.
I think that while the bride and groom should be able to meet their vision for the wedding, it can be difficult in some families to just exclude people. In my Italian family, everyone gets invited. All the cousins, all the aunts and uncles. If you don't, feelings would get hurt. Situations are different. But I agree with Chelseamorning. It's not a vacuum. In some situations, I don't understand when some brides pull the "it's my day" card, then expect that people who might get hurt feelings shouldn't be upset. In other words, excluding a so so friend is one thing. But nixing some close family might cause problems.
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... You know, them. The dreaded.... other people.
How much do they matter, really?
I mean this as a philosophical post, less than a plea for advice on any specific quandary. I feel like most of us here on Weddingbee are a little terrified of the stereotype of the Bridezilla, and as a result are dead-set against going down the road of becoming some inexplicable selfish brat over the course of the wedding planning. We can take that attitude too far, of course, and I see a lot of threads on the boards here where brides are having to encourage each other to stand up for themselves. With so many people involved in a wedding who have the potential to go a little bit crazy over the planning, and even try to hijack the wedding to force things to be the way they want, there are all different kinds of 'zillas - momzillas, bridesmaidzillas, FMILzillas, jealous-friendzillas, even groomzillas.
So my question for the hive is: where do we find our balance? How do you decide how much their opinions and feelings and desires matter, or, to what extent it really is your and your FI's day and everyone else should butt out?
Here's my anecdote on the subject: FI and I were firmly decided that we wanted a very small wedding. We agreed very early on (like, hours after he proposed) that 50 people would be the ideal number for an intimate gathering where we wouldn't feel overwhelmed and where we'd get a chance to have a real conversation with every guest. A few months later, our moms had let this idea gestate for a while and decided that they did not like it one bit. FI's mom said we could not NOT invite at least 30 people from their family alone - FI told me he couldn't even name thirty of his relatives. We discussed and we argued and eventually came to a peace accord when we all realized that no matter how many people we invite, only about 50 of them are actually likely to make the trip across the country and show up anyway!
So things were resolved, but I found myself pondering the question again over Thanksgiving. FI's relatives were in town and FILs were very clear that they weren't even fond of these relatives and couldn't wait for them to leave. They hadn't even seen them in over a decade and didn't seem to mind. Right as the relatives were about to leave, they mentioned booking their flight to our wedding! I raised my eyebrows and asked FFIL, "They're, ah, coming?" He looked at me in surprise and said "Of course they are, they're immediate family!"
I found myself thinking, where do FI and I get to decide on a matter like that? We haven't sent out STDs yet, but these people that FI's parents don't even like or enjoy being around (and, I might add, people whom FI could not have picked out of a lineup before last Thanksgiving) are just assumed to be attending our very small wedding. Again, I'm not looking for advice on this situation, because I made my decision right there; This is an area where "They" do matter. If it's important to everyone that the relatives come, then fine, let them come, I'm sure it will be alright.
But as I said, it made me wonder. Where does the line get drawn? How do you decide, everyone - when is it about what everyone else wants, and when is it about what YOU and your FI want? I'm curious for your thoughts, and any anecdotes you have about having to either stand your ground or graciously cave in.