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Last night, my FI and I got into what I would call a Size Medium argument about some (hideous) furniture that his parents foisted on us because we bought a house and they decided it was time to get rid of their old crap. (And because FI is too nice to turn them down.) There are so many parts to this argument -- him hating my furniture, me hating his furniture, the fact that if we had money we could pick out furniture we both love but of course ... we *don't* have the money right now, but would if we weren't spending $xx on a wedding ... you can sort of see where this is going.
But the larger issue is that I worry about how much we fight. We have a few spats a week, where he gets grumpy with me or I get grumpy with him, usually because we don't communicate effectively (we're still learning) and we get over it pretty quickly. We haven't had a really big fight in awhile, but I guess I'm wondering if this is normal or not? What do you all think?
We have little spats a couple of times a week. Usually it's about stuff I've said to him before and he didn't listen or something. Example: I asked him like 12 times to get batteries for the remote (I hate this remote, I can never get it to work, etc) Yesterday, I went to do my workout video and the remote was dead and I flipped. That's what I would call a "little spat".
We don't have big arguements all that often.
I think it's pretty normal. I mean, who wouldn't get upset over bad furniture? ('m just kidding, but I so would).
Anyway, I would say FI and I fight fairly often. They're normal little short fights, but they happen. Most of the time it ends with me grumpy because I don't always want to admit to being wrong if I know I am lol.
It's all part of the relationship though. I mean, we've been together 4 years now and our conflict resolution skills have only gotten better. Now when we argue he knows where I'm coming from and vice versa. After the 'heated part' is over, we're able to come back together and discuss what just happened.
As long as you communicate, arguments are totally normal. They help you grow :). People disagree, it's a fact of life; you just have to be able to deal with it constructively.
I think that there is no "normal." What works for one couple might not work for another. We really don't fight a lot, but when we do they're bigger fights. Of course, we also don't live together so we might fight more once we have more stuff to fight about :)
We're also pretty good about letting the little stuff go, I think. Do I get annoyed that more often than not he doesn't wipe down the counter after doing dishes? Yep. But its just easier to do it myself. Or that he let his phone die? AGAIN? Yep. But it just doesn't seem worth it. Maybe once every few months we'll have a bigger fight and I'd say we've only had maybe 2-3 BIG fights in our 2.5 years.
There's definitely no "normal" as ar as arguments go. Some couples argue ALL THE TIME and they are still very, very happy together. Boyfriend and I rarely, rarely argue because he is super conflict-avoidant and really doesn't have strong opinions about things. Its just how it is.
We too get in little 'spats' often, as Hot Child called them. We both have a bit of a temper and tend to get into arguments about insignificant things. But we also get over it pretty quickly and it's like nothing happened. Real fights are pretty rare.
I do think small spats are normal - I mean, you're making major decisions with this person, but you're still two separate people with two separate opinions on every subject under the sun! Of course you're going to disagree.
If every disagreement/difference of opinion turns into a full blown screaming match, or if you've ever, like, thrown a lamp across the room... THEN I'd be worried.
Just make sure you're always talking through stuff, and you should be okay. :)
...but no, for the record (since you DID ask) J and I have never had a real argument. BUT we've been really good friends for years and years and years, so we've been practicing the whole communication thing, plus he's maybe the most patient man God ever created... PLUS we're still in LDR, so ... it'll probably change when we're living together. :)
I think it's normal and healthy for couples to disagree here and there. I can't remember the last time we've had a large disagreement. We have some minor ones every now and then. But we try to talk it out before it gets to that level.
I would say that a lot of our "spats" are just frustrations. We're both working on it, but its really hard to say, "you know, i'm just frustrated. Sorry and let's move on." sometimes ya just want to vent! That said, I'd say we don't fight often at all.
My fiance and I rarely fight, and when we do, we do our best to defuse the tension with humor. I really recommend reading Gottman's "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" - it talks a lot about "healthy" fighting, and how couples who are together for years are so successful in their relationship because they've simply realized that there are certain issues that will never go away, and have learned to cope with them.
totally agree, there is no "normal"! we don't argue much at all - although I think a bit more arguments than we have would probably be healthy = sometimes we keep stuff bottled up :)
We get in little arguments all the time. My FI is a very argumentative person by nature. But we don't have really big fights very often.
My boyfriend and I almost never argue. I can only remember one time in eleven months that I was seriously upset with him (he cracked a joke about "trying it before you buy it" that I didn't appreciate) and that never even turned into anything big.
For the most part we're on the same page, and neither of us are agressive or confrontational unless it's something really important. There will probably be more disagreements when we're no longer just dating, but so far we've been good about keeping communication consistent and open. An argument isn't worth it in most situations, and getting some space and talking it out is always effective for problem solving.
Ironically, I've been given flak before for "not fighting enough." Ummm, are you a part of this relationship? No? Right. No. So it's none of your business how much we do or don't disagree. Just because we don't make it a habit to disagree with each other doesn't mean there's something wrong with us. :P
hubby and i used to fight pretty often. petty little things generally but as we've settled down living together, and gotten used to each others' quirks, it doesnt happen too often anymore. Actually, since the wedding (well, about a month after) we've been relatively fight free, but I attribute that to a change in birth control pills :p We still get irritated with each other, but it usually dissolves in like 10 minutes lol We used to fight quite a bit more though, but I've really tried to just let things go.
I am actually shocked at how much FI and I don't fight. We've been together 11 months and I could count our fights - big, small, or otherwise, on one hand.
I guess because I've NEVER been in a relationship like that before. Our lack of fighting is not because we agree all the time (although we agree a lot) It's because we know how to disagree. Certainly one of the things that I love about FI - he fights fair and he communicates. When we disagree, we discuss and move on - no sweeping under the rug - we respect each other's positions and opinions. It's one of the things I gave up looking for in a man... how refreshing!
The couple of fights we have had, were about stupid, little things - like it is for most couples, we are snappy when we're stressed. We try to help each other destress - rather than make it worse.
I agree w/ pp that mentioned conflict-avoidant guys. My guy would rather do anything but have an argument! Probably another reason we don't argue a lot.... he doesn't bring something up unless it is REALLY important.
We both are encores having been married once before to spouses with less than stellar abilities to control anger so we both are careful how we argue. In fact, we really have never had a big one at all.
We're both big communicators and if we're really frustrated we walk away and then re-visit the issue when we're both more relaxed and less stressed. Mind you, it's rare we have disagreements, but we've learned in time that you gotta fight fair and sometimes that things said in the heat of any arguement are things that can haunt you later on and if you can at all avoid doing that (by walking away, coming back when relaxed and not stressed to discuss it) can keep you from ever having that happen in the first place. We're by no means perfect, but we've learned from what happened before.
Hardly ever. I think our last fight was back in February. We used to argue a lot when we lived in a house with a whole bunch of roommates. It was like living with a bunch of your friends and a bunch of alcohol kind of just exacerbated every issue. Neither one of us wanted to back down in front of everyone so we'd have these HUGE blow ups from time to time. Now that we are a little bit older, wiser, and have a house on our own we are totally in tune with each other and boring. LOL
There is no normal. One of my friends and her hubby argue. A lot. The kind of couple where there is almost always a moment of awkwardness everytime you go out because they are arguing kind of couple and they are just fine. Then there is me and FI and were rarely fight and when we fight is it usually over retarded things. Like him buying a hooka. I threw a huge fit over that because I had came home from a business trip and I was tired and frustrated. But a really serious argument, in three years, I would say just two.
We rarely argue. We aren't fighting kind of people and both keep cool heads 99% of the time. I get hot, walk away, come back, and am logical then. If we spat a few times a week, a red flag would go up because we aren't like that in general. I will say that due to being LDR we have really top notch communication skills, which I think is why. Otherwise, I see where we'd have issues communicating our needs and frustrations without letting emotions get hold. But when you're forced to only talk for months and months at a time, over the phone and internet, you get used to communicating all the time =].
Not too often but we do argue... It is usually I assume he should know something (how to act or what I want - example needing help with something) and he thinks that because I didn't ask I am fine. lol. . . stuff like that happeneds quite a bit. We are getting better though. Arguing is a good thing - as long as it is done well. It means you are talking through it.
I mention this book a lot on here but it is sooo good! :) "for women only"
we very rarely argue. i think it's mostly because we just talk about everything all of the time. if we don't agree, we just discuss it more... but i definitely agree with the other posters, there really isn't a "normal" amount, everybody is different!
In the five years we've been together, we've only had a few blow outs. We argue, but not very much and it's usually over in 1/2 hour to an hour because we can't stand to be mad at each other. I think it's more important how fast it blows over and how you make up:-)
we argue a TON. Go to premarital counseling with a therapist if you are worried about it. that's what we did, and she taught us a lot of methods for effective communication. it helped!
We have been together about 3 years and we have had maybe 2-3 blow outs. Most of them were to adjusting to living together, we have some minor disagreements a few times a year. For the most part our relationship is really easy despite having very stressful schedules. We are very big on having "No Drama" in our lives so just try to talk things out.
I have seen coupled that fight a lot and are happy. It's just the way they communicate. Everyone has their own normal and what works for them.
FI and I don't argue much at all. We had a small spat when within our first few months once we were back together, but I had drank too much wine and don't even really remember it. We were in a LDR for a year, and have been living together now to 2 1/2 months. So far we've been doing pretty well. We talk about a lot of stuff before it becomes a fight. I make a comment here and there about not putting the seat down, or leaving dishes in the living room, but mostly I let those things go.
FI doesn't talk much. Sometimes I worry that he's keeping a lot inside and not telling me, but he assures me he is not. We had two fights in our 1.5+ years together. Once was when I was moving, and FI found a picture of my ex and I that I had thrown into a box while packing. I had warned him prior that there might be reminents, because most of my stuff had not been unpacked in over a year, since I last moved after grad school to my parents and threw the boxes in the garage. But I got defensive instead of empathetic, so it blew up. It was probably about an hour or so, but I prolonged it by getting caught venting to my sister, making FI even madder.
Our other fight was money related. Neither of us spend much money, but FI spends basically none, except bills and a DVD here or there. I am more concerned about having kitchen tools since I cook, and am trying to build a professional work wardrobe, so I spend more than he does. The fight was basically over me not giving him change back after I ran out for ketchup for dinner, and then we were at dinner the next night and paid, and I took $10 to have cash for the week. He flipped. We started talking back and forth about who pays what and he basically said my school loans were mine alone and I should spend less. He didn't really mean it, but I was HOT! I can't help my school loans, and I told him how much I had within 2 months of dating in case he didn't want to deal with the debt, since he had no debt at all. We eventually worked it out, but we definitely need to work out a specific budget for us soon, so we can better save and plan together. Usually money isn't an issue, becasue if we spend more than $30 for something out of the ordinary, we usually discuss it first.
I used to worry that FI and I were doomed because we didn't fight at all, and my coworkers fought with their spouses all the time, but now I know we just don't fight that often.
I guess it kind of depends. The more stressed we are, the more we fight - well argue or I get "difficult". Right before the wedding we were constantly arguing. Ever since the wedding a month and a half ago, we've only had one fight. It's been nice.
wow, i'm surprised how little some people argue! guess I thought everyone argues!
Lovers tiffs are fine! Seriously. We don't really have big arguments - I don't know why, but we seem to be pretty clear on things ... however, sometimes something stupid happens and one of us has a brain fart ... like last Sunday ... FI opened the Manwich sauce but didn't take the thing off ... just kinda left it hanging there by what the can opener didn't get ... and then stood there and watch me open it - spilling it all over the counter, floor, splashing on the curtains. It was a mess. And the next words out of his mouth? "I saw that coming." I was not very happy with him because of that ... He had a solution that would have prevented in the mess and still stood there and let me get it all over the place! WTF?
My point of the story? Stuff like that is normal ... it happens. And I'm willing to bet the furniture thing doesn't even matter that much and you're both over it pretty quickly.
@Cupcakesprinkles...I'm on the SAME boat! My FI and I fight a LOT. I'm also worried about it too! :( But I know that we'll grow to respect and communicate more effectively. I feel you girlie. I was actually going to ask other Bee's whether it's normal or not. I guess it makes me feel a little better that many other have spats here and there. I think I'm more of the argumentative type. It's hard for me to let things go and I get easily offended. :( I'm working on it. But in a relationship, it takes two.
@Joeysgirl...that's always good to hear. I hope we're the same way. I hope that when we live together we'll learn better ways than to argue!
@amariem...I might take your advise. I've definitely thought about doing that! Time is running out though!
I think if you ladies are uncomfortable/nervous about how often you and your SO fight, it woudl behoove you to have a third party present to help dissect the underlying issues. I understand tiffs and disagreements, but I also think that too much fighting is a result of a communication breakdown (or, rather, handling issues insensitively or it escalating too quick). An expert can help you head off an argument before it starts by giving you some effective ways of communicating, yet keeping a cool head. I know I have a major temper, so I have to constantly keep mine in check or I go from 0 to 10 in a few seconds. If i gave in to my temper, we'd fight a lot simply b/c i can't control myself. So it helps to have that communication talk with someone. Really!
We don't fight that often and almost 100% of the time that we do it's just because I don't deal with stress well and take it out on him. He almost never is the one to get mad first, but he doesn't let me walk all over him which is one of the reasons I love him so much! We've definitely learned to communicate better as we've been together so if a fight is brewing it usually fizzles out quickly.
We get in little fights ALL the time over stupid stuff, but it will be like "Stop leaving the f*n cupboard doors open...I'm right, you're wrong...You're an idiot...Look at cute the cats are being, awwww!!!" and that is that.
We having had any serious blow outs since we first moved in together, but we've worked out everything that was bothering us way back then.
Fights aren't a bad thing. It's better to get things out when you need to say it than wait and have a huge blow up where everything spills out at once.
Plus, more fights means more chances to make up ;)
Honestly not that much like once a month if that. But we have learned to talk things out in a decent manner.
we rarely fight but we have spats to get our point across. i have never been made at him for more than a few minutes (except with the dress incident then i got over that one)... i try to live by the addage never go to bed angry and never leave without saying i love you and giving a smooch and he does the same. i think it stems from my aunt dying at a young age AND his 26 year old bartender dying last week of an aneurysm has made us a lot closer, however we have had spats over furniture :D, how much to spend on the kids' christmas, that sort of thing... but that's the normal stuff...
We rarely fight, and it is a combination of things many of the pp have mentioned. We talk about of lots of things, and when we disagree with one another, its a respectful disagreement. Both of us are at a point that few things are worth getting that upset about. Lastly, we are both rather nonconfrontational people, which isn't always a good thing, but it does cut down on the arguements. I'm probably the one who has been upset more than he has, and so far it's been about stuff that wasn't worth the drama and I end up doing the apologizing.
my fiance and i actually don't argue very often. we rarely even yell at each other. we have disagreements but one of us always apologizes and listens o the others opinions. the we sort it out. i know couples who fight constantly. uggh
We bicker weekly... in person and long distance. It's never really major... we've had about 3 real fights in 4 years. I think arguing is healthy, as long as its not a constant battle.
I'm actually glad we do because it took a lot of work to get my FI to this point. I was raised to speak my mind & after almost 4 years my FI is now the same way. I don't let him get away with just shutting down and pushing his feelings aside.
Sometimes (usually when I don't get my way lol) I regret molding him into someone who is open with his feelings. haha jk. I'd much rather he be open & cause some waves than keep it all inside. Those are the type of people that explode & leave their SO based on years of resentment.
@crebre: that's so scary... and you're so right. We never know how long we have with the people we love :)
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