Post # 1
Last night, my FI and I got into what I would call a Size Medium argument about some (hideous) furniture that his parents foisted on us because we bought a house and they decided it was time to get rid of their old crap. (And because FI is too nice to turn them down.) There are so many parts to this argument — him hating my furniture, me hating his furniture, the fact that if we had money we could pick out furniture we both love but of course … we *don’t* have the money right now, but would if we weren’t spending $xx on a wedding … you can sort of see where this is going.
But the larger issue is that I worry about how much we fight. We have a few spats a week, where he gets grumpy with me or I get grumpy with him, usually because we don’t communicate effectively (we’re still learning) and we get over it pretty quickly. We haven’t had a really big fight in awhile, but I guess I’m wondering if this is normal or not? What do you all think?
Post # 3
We have little spats a couple of times a week. Usually it’s about stuff I’ve said to him before and he didn’t listen or something. Example: I asked him like 12 times to get batteries for the remote (I hate this remote, I can never get it to work, etc) Yesterday, I went to do my workout video and the remote was dead and I flipped. That’s what I would call a “little spat”.
We don’t have big arguements all that often.
Post # 4
- Wedding: May 2011 - Trinity Lutheran Church & Idlewild Country Club
I think it’s pretty normal. I mean, who wouldn’t get upset over bad furniture? (‘m just kidding, but I so would).
Anyway, I would say FI and I fight fairly often. They’re normal little short fights, but they happen. Most of the time it ends with me grumpy because I don’t always want to admit to being wrong if I know I am lol.
It’s all part of the relationship though. I mean, we’ve been together 4 years now and our conflict resolution skills have only gotten better. Now when we argue he knows where I’m coming from and vice versa. After the ‘heated part’ is over, we’re able to come back together and discuss what just happened.
As long as you communicate, arguments are totally normal. They help you grow :). People disagree, it’s a fact of life; you just have to be able to deal with it constructively.
Post # 5
I think that there is no “normal.” What works for one couple might not work for another. We really don’t fight a lot, but when we do they’re bigger fights. Of course, we also don’t live together so we might fight more once we have more stuff to fight about 🙂
We’re also pretty good about letting the little stuff go, I think. Do I get annoyed that more often than not he doesn’t wipe down the counter after doing dishes? Yep. But its just easier to do it myself. Or that he let his phone die? AGAIN? Yep. But it just doesn’t seem worth it. Maybe once every few months we’ll have a bigger fight and I’d say we’ve only had maybe 2-3 BIG fights in our 2.5 years.
Post # 6
There’s definitely no “normal” as ar as arguments go. Some couples argue ALL THE TIME and they are still very, very happy together. Boyfriend and I rarely, rarely argue because he is super conflict-avoidant and really doesn’t have strong opinions about things. Its just how it is.
Post # 7
We too get in little ‘spats’ often, as Hot Child called them. We both have a bit of a temper and tend to get into arguments about insignificant things. But we also get over it pretty quickly and it’s like nothing happened. Real fights are pretty rare.
Post # 8
I do think small spats are normal – I mean, you’re making major decisions with this person, but you’re still two separate people with two separate opinions on every subject under the sun! Of course you’re going to disagree.
If every disagreement/difference of opinion turns into a full blown screaming match, or if you’ve ever, like, thrown a lamp across the room… THEN I’d be worried.
Just make sure you’re always talking through stuff, and you should be okay. 🙂
…but no, for the record (since you DID ask) J and I have never had a real argument. BUT we’ve been really good friends for years and years and years, so we’ve been practicing the whole communication thing, plus he’s maybe the most patient man God ever created… PLUS we’re still in LDR, so … it’ll probably change when we’re living together. 🙂
Post # 9
I think it’s normal and healthy for couples to disagree here and there. I can’t remember the last time we’ve had a large disagreement. We have some minor ones every now and then. But we try to talk it out before it gets to that level.
Post # 10
I would say that a lot of our “spats” are just frustrations. We’re both working on it, but its really hard to say, “you know, i’m just frustrated. Sorry and let’s move on.” sometimes ya just want to vent! That said, I’d say we don’t fight often at all.
Post # 11
My fiance and I rarely fight, and when we do, we do our best to defuse the tension with humor. I really recommend reading Gottman’s “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” – it talks a lot about “healthy” fighting, and how couples who are together for years are so successful in their relationship because they’ve simply realized that there are certain issues that will never go away, and have learned to cope with them.
Post # 12
totally agree, there is no "normal"! we don’t argue much at all – although I think a bit more arguments than we have would probably be healthy = sometimes we keep stuff bottled up 🙂
Post # 13
We get in little arguments all the time. My FI is a very argumentative person by nature. But we don’t have really big fights very often.
Post # 14
My boyfriend and I almost never argue. I can only remember one time in eleven months that I was seriously upset with him (he cracked a joke about “trying it before you buy it” that I didn’t appreciate) and that never even turned into anything big.
For the most part we’re on the same page, and neither of us are agressive or confrontational unless it’s something really important. There will probably be more disagreements when we’re no longer just dating, but so far we’ve been good about keeping communication consistent and open. An argument isn’t worth it in most situations, and getting some space and talking it out is always effective for problem solving.
Ironically, I’ve been given flak before for “not fighting enough.” Ummm, are you a part of this relationship? No? Right. No. So it’s none of your business how much we do or don’t disagree. Just because we don’t make it a habit to disagree with each other doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with us. 😛
Post # 15
hubby and i used to fight pretty often. petty little things generally but as we’ve settled down living together, and gotten used to each others’ quirks, it doesnt happen too often anymore. Actually, since the wedding (well, about a month after) we’ve been relatively fight free, but I attribute that to a change in birth control pills :p We still get irritated with each other, but it usually dissolves in like 10 minutes lol We used to fight quite a bit more though, but I’ve really tried to just let things go.
Post # 16
I am actually shocked at how much FI and I don’t fight. We’ve been together 11 months and I could count our fights – big, small, or otherwise, on one hand.
I guess because I’ve NEVER been in a relationship like that before. Our lack of fighting is not because we agree all the time (although we agree a lot) It’s because we know how to disagree. Certainly one of the things that I love about FI – he fights fair and he communicates. When we disagree, we discuss and move on – no sweeping under the rug – we respect each other’s positions and opinions. It’s one of the things I gave up looking for in a man… how refreshing!
The couple of fights we have had, were about stupid, little things – like it is for most couples, we are snappy when we’re stressed. We try to help each other destress – rather than make it worse.