Post # 1
I’m in need of your awesome advice again. My b/f’s parents are coming down to our place to visit for a weekend in early September (they live 7 hours away). Each time they visit the subject of marriage comes up between his mother and I. Last x-mas my b/f was there for one of our conversations, where she yelled at him saying: “…Well then marry the damn girl!”. This time, however, I want to tell her so badly that my patience is running very thin with his son. I think everyone’s patience is running thin with him with the whole marriage subject lately (everyone being my family, especially my father, and his family).
My question is: How much is TOO much information to tell his mom? I honestly don’t know what to tell her. I’m tired of responding with: “Ya, I hope it happens soon too”. I want her to know that my patience wearing very thin, but I don’t know how far I should go with it.
Post # 3
I guess that all depends on how close you are to his mother. I am very close with my boyfriend’s mother BUT I am always on my boyfriend’s “team”. I would never make him look bad in front of other people, or put him down.
If I were you I would tease in that kind of serious joking way if that makes sense.
Remember, at the end of the day it’s you and him. Also, think about how it would make you feel if he teamed up against you.
Have you guys talked about getting engaged/married?
Post # 4
ANY information is too much information!! She is already giving him a hard time about proposing.. so what is the benefit of telling her that your patience is running thin? She pushes him more and drives him to just want to break it off.. or she gets upset with you for caring more about pushing for an engagement than staying with her son. This is an issue that needs to stay between you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend, end of story. You are adults who should make these decisions by yourself without running to your parents for input or help in moving things along.
Post # 5
I think it’s probably best not to say anything. The last thing you want is for her to go to him and say, “Well Gwen said her patience is wearing thin, so you need to just go marry her now!”
No one likes to be nagged by their mother, and no one likes to feel like they’re being manipulated through loved ones, which is probably how your Boyfriend or Best Friend would feel. From experience, I know if I have a problem with my Fiance and say anything, even off-handedly to his mother, it eventually gets back around to him, and he’ll be beyond pissed at me when it does.
It’s best to stick to the nod and smile routine on this one…
Post # 6
i got this ALL the time from FI’s dad before we got engaged. last christmas he asked us point blank when we were getting engaged and Fiance finally answered with “we will definitely be engaged by next christmas.” (his dad then told al his friends that we were getting married. awkward.) i learned to just do the whole smile and shrug my shoulders routine but honestly in the last month before the proposal i didn’t even want to go over there because i was tired of it. turns out that Fiance had actually told his dad he was in the process of buying a ring, so i shouldn’t have been so concerned. my advice would be to talk to your boyfriend about how awkward you feel about his mom questioning you about getting engaged, and ask him to please head off the awkwardness by talking to his mom himself. have you two discussed getting engaged? i bet if he said something along the lines of “i’m working on it, please don’t ruin any surprises” that would keep her from saying a word!
Post # 7
@pb and j:
GAH. All of you are right. I should just smile and nod. After all, that’s all I’ve been doing for the past three years: Smile, nod, act as though nothing is bothering me. Well, to tell you the truth, I’m just about to blow.
We’ve talked about engagement, marriage, kids, etc. etc. so much that I’m sick of it. I don’t want to talk about it anymore because there’s nothing left to be said. The only way things are going to happen is if we DO IT (I’ve told him this before). *sigh* Guess I’m just tired of putting on my happy face every single day. It starts to ware on you after a while. And I’ve been waiting A WHILE.
I feel really bad when his parents visit because we’re disobeying their values. They don’t want us living together before marriage, so each time they visit I feel awkward, you know? *sigh*
Post # 8
that is tough. my parents were totally on board with us moving in together pre-engagement, but only because we told them we had every intention of getting engaged in the near-ish future (it ended up being about a year later). my mom told me that for the year that she lived with my dad before they were married, her parents wouldn’t even come to their house because they disapproved of them living together (and they lived nearby).
i guess there are a couple routes you could take. one is to keep on with the whole smile and shrug routine, but i get that that gets reallllly old after awhile. another is to have the talk aaaagain with your bf. another is to say something to his mom–but you definitely risk it getting back to him and him reacting negatively. this may be totally out there, but have you ever considered proposing to him? i know this wouldn’t fly in some relationships–mine included, probably–but wouldn’t it feel nice and empowering to take the situation into your own hands? it sounds like you two have already made the commitment to spend your lives together, and now it’s more about the logistics. although i am 100% for living with something pre-marriage/engagement, i can see how it sometimes prolongs the engagement process….because you move in, get settled, and you feel like you’re practically married already. there was a moment when my then-bf said to me “if we already know we’re committed to each other, who cares what everyone else thinks?” ummmm, i’m sorry to say it, but i do!
Post # 9
I agree it’s probably best not to say anything to the mom.
I would suggest talking to him beforehand and venting your frustrations, but you’re tired of talking about it. So sh*t, I’m sorry I don’t have anything better for you 🙁
So maybe you can talk to him about your frustrations about feeling like you have to constantly “put on the happy face”? Not directly a talk about marriage, a talk about how you are doing emotionally. Just an idea.
Post # 10
Aw, I’m sorry. I feel your frustration and I know how tempting it must be to tell his mom your patience is running thin, knowing she’ll ream him.
I remember your other thread about not wanting to talk about it anymore, did you tell him that yet?
Post # 11
I think this sounds like a discussion you need to have with your boyfriend. The two of you need to be on the same page and present a united front.
Complaining to his mom behind his back, “I’m ready but he’s not!” doesn’t seem like it paints your relationship in a very healthy light. It would make it look like you’re trying to use her to get him to ask (can you imagine being that manipulative? ick! that’s obviously the last impression you want to accidently give off)
Instead, you should both be prepared to tell her the same thing when she asks you – which will mean sitting down with your boyfriend ahead of time and realistically saying, “Your mom is going to ask. Where are we at, and what do we want to tell her?”
Overall, it’s honestly none of her business – when you and your fiance choose to get engaged is up to the two of you and no one else. BUT she’s a mom, so she gets away with asking. 🙂
Post # 12
I know how you feel–not only does my family (especially my dad and grandma) ask all the time, but now my BFs family is starting to ask. Well, by family I mean his SIL is. My bf and I have been together for 4 1/2 years so I know how long waiting can feel…. trust me, I’m there with ya, sista! It is difficult to know how to answer, especially to his family, bc I do agree with these bees that you need to be on your BF’s “team,” but it is also so hard not to say anything to his fam bc you know when you aren’t around they will kind of prod him, and deep down you kind of want them to (at least that’s how I am, even though I know I shouldn’t want them to!). The SIL and I were left alone at a picnic recently and she started asking me about it for the first time (well, the first time we had a real convo about it) and it was nice to talk to her bc she said she agreed that the boys in the family drag their feet, and we talked a little bit more about how I feel, but looking back I felt kind of bad bc I felt like I was talking too much behind my BF’s back. At the same time, i didnt tell her anything that he and I hadn’t already discussed. Bottom line, I think if they bring it up just keep it light-hearted but make sure you know your Boyfriend or Best Friend how uncomfortable all of the conversations are making you feel. Hopefully he will start to get the hint. Good luck!! 🙂
Post # 13
The problem with the “united front” is this isn’t a mutual decision between Gwen and her boyfriend. If Gwen had it her way, they’d already be engaged. The two of them aren’t choosing together to hold off on the engagement, that was totally her BF’s decision, much to Gwen’s chagrin.
I don’t think Gwen should be forced into the position of having to defend boyfriend’s failure to propose to her when she that failure is frustrating her to no end. He’s the one slacking, he’s the one that needs to answer the questions and deal with the fall-out of his delay.
I’m not saying Gwen should tell the mom anything, I’m just saying this “united front” crap is just that: crap. I’d just tell the boyfriend I wouldn’t be fielding any questions from his mother and that he needs to deal with her directly. I’d also ask him to tell his mother not to ask me about it at all, since it’s become a source of frustration. He created this problem, now he needs to deal with it.
Post # 14
I wouldn’t go behind his back and tell his mom much at all. Despite the fact that you and your boyfriend aren’t on the same page right now, you eventually will be, and you don’t want to have any weirdness down the road.
Good luck, girl!
Post # 15
Thanks for all the replies.
We are definetly on the same page with regards to marriage, etc. I guess I’m just having one of those impatient days lol. We talk about it all the time, and on occasion, I’ll ask if we’re on the same page. He reassures me that we are. Maybe it’s just taking a little longer than I’d like it to.
Oh, and if I had it my way.. We’d already be married and I’d be nine months preggers, lol!
I will keep my mouth shut I guess. It’s hard, but there’s not much else to do.
*Update*: After some very harsh words from a friend a few months ago (she gave me a tarot reading about my relationship with my b/f… I honestly think she’s a fraud) telling me that my b/f would never commit and that I’d never wear my wedding dress (yes, I have a wedding dress from a previous engagement that I LOVE and plan on wearing some day). Her words really hurt me at first. I am very angry with her and no longer speak to her. However, out of all of that drama came one good thing: I am more confident now than ever before that our relationship will work out. If someone tells me that I can’t do something or that nothing will come of my dreams, it only gives me more determination and motivation to make it happen.
Post # 16
I wouldn’t call someone a fraud because they didn’t tell you what you wanted to hear. However, I think your friend was just telling you how SHE felt about the situation, whilst hiding behind the tarot. A crappy thing to do, yeah, but your reaction kind of justifies her fear of telling you straight up.