Post # 1
I am a BM in a wedding for a friend I have known about 15 years. When she asked me to be in the wedding she took into consideration my financial situation (which is not great) and said it was going to be about $1000, and if I couldn’t do it then I didn’t have to be in the wedding. She said she would understand. I wanted to be in the wedding because she is a very good friend and I am close with her family. The bride had been great up until about two months before the wedding, but her MOH (her sister) had been horrible. Well the wedding is very soon now and I have spent about $2000 already. I have been given grief by her and her MOH for complaining that it has been too much money. I feel strain on our friendship and basically have no relationship with the family now. Since I have already spent so much money on the wedding I do not want to give an expensive gift at the wedding, but I feel I will be looked down on by her and her family. What do you think is an appropriate wedding gift for this situation? Also, what is the etiquette for a BM to spend on a wedding day gift? I can’t find any info on that subject.
Post # 3
If I were in your position, I wouldn’t give a gift if I didn’t have it in budget. If they look down on you because you didn’t buy them something, than that’s just awful of them. Get em a card & say how you loved being in their wedding & etc. If you wouldn’t feel comfortable NOT getting them something, than maybe a gift card to a place you know they like, such as a specific restaurant?
When I get gifts, the ones that mean the most to me are the most thoughtful ones, not the most expensive.
Post # 4
Yikes! I didn’t spend that much when I was MOH in my best friend’s wedding and had to fly to a different city for both the shower and wedding.
Since your friend understood your financial situation before, I’m sure she’ll understand now. A framed photo or collage of the 2 of you could go a long way; invite the newly-weds over for a nice homecooked dinner. There are plenty of wonderful gifts that don’t require a hefty pricetag. Just don’t forget a personal handwritten card!!
Post # 5
I would go with a small gift card (whatever you can afford at this point, even like $10 or $20) and a handwritten card. She did tell you it would only be $1,000 and it’s been twice that, I know I would be a little upset too for it costing twice as much. That’s a big difference, especially since she knew of your financial situation in the first place.
Post # 6
I know some Bees disagree with me on this – but don’t get her a gift. A card or note is fine. $2000 is a ridiculous amount to spend on someone else’s wedding!
None of my BMs are buying me a gift and I have rarely given one when I am IN the wedding because spending money on a dress/shoes/hair/make up, hosting showers and bachelorette parties and being there for all of the emotional support and physical help (crafts, set up) not to mention travel in a lot of cases is more than enough without throwing in a toaster. Really.
Post # 7
I was wondering the same thing because my fiance and I are both in a wedding this summer and the costs for it are getting way out of control yet the couple has only registered for $200 gift cards and we definitely can’t afford that! So I’m glad to hear that other people think it’s alright to only give a card, or something that has meaning 🙂
Post # 8
I was a BM and didn’t give a gift. I bought the darn dress that ended up being $400 with alterations, and my plane ticket, rental car, hotel, nails, some of my food and drinks. It ended up being A LOT.
I think if you’ve already spent $2k that’s more than enough (and more than many people are able to). I don’t really think I would give a gift, but if I did it would be something really small, like a pretty picture frame from a discount store like Ross or Marshalls (i.e. under $20).
Post # 9
I agree with the other bees that said it’s really the thought behind the gift not the monetary value. And also $2000!!! God, dresses plus shoes for my BMs ranged from $140-175 and I hope they are not spending more than $100 each for the shower (my mom is contributing, she just doesn’t want to be involved in planning) and bachelorette party.
Post # 10
Holy cow! I would never expect a bm to spend that much. I would say to give what you could afford (if anything) and write a nice, heartfelt card, even if you are frustrated with her at the moment. Also, if you feel like it, you do have up to a year after the wedding to give a gift, so if you wanted you could tell her that your budget is stretched thin right now and that you will get her a gift in a few months. But you don’t have to do that, a card should be more than sufficient as long as you express how much you care about her.
That said, if she’s an unreasonable person, then probably nothing you do will please her 🙁
Post # 11
First of all, what do you means she TOLD you it would be about $1000?? You buy a dress and shoes, what else is there that you are required to do? Nothing. IF you have it in your budget to to do the shower thing that’s fine, but it’s not required. And it certainly shouldn’t be expected that you give a gift. No bride and groom should expect anyone to give them gifts (hence why registry info doesn’t go on invitations) though I know most of them do. I think it’s incredibly rude to ask you to be a BM with the stipulation that you could spend all this money. If I were you I wouldn’t buy a gift, especially since you’ve spent double what she’s TOLD you, you had to spend.
Post # 12
I have never been a bridesmaid, but I can tell you that for my wedding, I’m not expecting anything from my bridesmaids. They are supporting me through this whole thing, they’re going to buy a dress and shoes, help throw my shower and bachelorette party, thats gift enough to me. If someone gets me something I’ll be thrilled, but I absolutely don’t expect a thing from any of them.
Post # 13
WOW yeah totally agree with everyone– I would make something meaningful and write a nice card– you have already contributed a ton to her day! I already told my BMs they didn’t have to get me anything- they’re paying for the clothes, travel, shower and bachelorette, that’s MORE than enough! If she says anything, then WOW not only is that rude and ballsy but I’d drop her like a hot potato! 🙂
Post # 14
Holy crap. What do you spend $2000 on as a bridesmaid? Did you guys like, have hummingbirds stich your dresses? Christian Loubutin shoes?
I don’t you should get her anything, except a card.
Post # 15
I’m sorry, but $2000! That’s amazing. I’m surprised you’re still talking with her. There has only been one wedding that I was MOH in and I probably spent around that much as well, but this was for a cousin that is like a sister to me and for me it was worth it.
I think a heartfelt card is fine to be honest. Maybe with an older photo of the two of you enclosed and a cute note. You are a great friend to her and I would hope that she knows that.
Post # 16
Majority of my BMs didn’t give me a gift, at first I was bummed, but then saw on here that many girls BM’s didn’t get them gifts either, so I think its becoming more of the norm now. So don’t feel guilty!! (ESP since you spent $2000!!!! HOLY COW!!)
But, do make sure you buy a card or write a nice note, my BMs didn’t even do that! 🙁