Post # 1
I guess I just need unbiased opinions and where better to turn than to the Bees?
My brother has been with his wife for going on a decade. They’ve been married for 6 years in June. We never liked her from the beginning and thought she was ridiculous when she demaned a $6,000 engagement ring when he was still in school and bartending to pay for it. My brother and I are only siblings and she woudln’t let us talk because she “didn’t agree with how close we were.” Last year on their 5 year wedding anniversary she wanted her ring to be upgraded. My brother is now a banker and doing very well for himself financially and obliged her wishes. She calls it her “Hollywood Ring.” It’s huge, flawless and drowns her finger. But… to each her own, I guess.
Fast forward to this year and we find out that she does not want kids. Which would be fine if she would have been honest about it before they got married. My brother has been very up front about wanting to be a father, and would be such an amazing dad, since the beginning and she has always agreed. Now that they have been married for 6 years my parents and I asked them if they were planning to start a family soon (She’s 31 and my bro is 30) and she without hesitation said “No, we will not be parents. We like our ‘things’ too much.” (They just bought two brand new Audis and put their downpayment on a 4,000sq foot house). My brother almost seemed surprised by her answer and said that they were still talking about it.
Well, my bro and I were talking yesterday about my BF and I discussing rings and I asked a few specs about my SIL’s, mostly out of curiousity but also because I think her ring is beautiful and would like something similar in the 4c’s with my center stone. Her’s is a flawless, colorless, 3 carat princess cut. Literally, beautiful. Then he smuggly tells me that it’s $37,000 and “out of my boyfriends budget.” Which he is yet to meet my BF of over two years because his wife won’t “allow” him to come to family functions. He hasn’t been home for a holiday in over 3 years. Basically, I was very hurt that he would say something like that. I just told him that I don’t want a $37,000 engagement ring and I think that is ridiculous and I’d be happy with whatever he wants to give me. I was just wanting to know specs on her’s so I can get an idea of what to look at. I don’t want 3 carats and it doesn’t have to be “a perfect Hollywood ring”.
My mom told me she thinks they are having problems (kids and her demand to have the 4,000 sq foot house) and that was probably just him lashing out because of it but it still hurt. Do I say something to him or let it go?
Post # 2
I wouldn’t say anything. Most normal people don’t have 37K to spend on a ring, I don’t think he meant it in a bad way, it’s just the truth.
Post # 3
Honestly, it’s tough… It sounds like you just need to let him know you’re there for him. Since he doesn’t really see you guys anyways, it may not hurt to be honest with him, but you don’t want to drive him away anymore. Let him come to you. Try to build more of a relationship (call and text more often just to see how he is or if there’s something that reminds you of him or your childhood), and he might open up.
Post # 4
I’d let it go…you gave a great reply to his comment at the time.
Post # 5
She sounds truly awful. Plus who needs a 4000sq foot house without kids!? Are all those rooms just going to be walk in jewelry closets?
Most people even if they could spend that much on a ring wouldn’t. Don’t sweat it. Sounds like she’s rubbed off on him.
Post # 6
Let it go. He’s probably bitter about the price. Also, it’s not a flawless, colorless 3ct diamond for 37k- retail for a stone with those stats is closer to 55k+ if he can even find one. So don’t feel bad- she either has a lower-quality or smaller stone than he says, or he’s lying about the price.
Edit- 55k+ is for a VVS level stone in F-D color, not even a IF.
Post # 7
bkrocks13: haha I was going to say the same thing, a ring with those stats should definitely cost more than 37k!
kellz1207: I wouldn’t say anything more about it…SIL clearly wears the pants in the relationship (you can’t not “let” a man not talk to his sister as much or attend family functions – he’s CHOOSING to agree to these things) so anything you say will probably go straight back to her and will not have any positive impact on your relationship with your brother. Personally I wouldn’t want her having the satisfaction of knowing you gave more than a second thought to this.
You can learn about diamonds on your own and compare stats in real life at any jeweler store. You don’t need to ask about hers.
Just chalk this up to a “to each their own” situation and focus on your own upcoming engagement – congrats btw!
Post # 8
kellz1207: she sounds wonderful… .
I wouldn’t say anything to yor brother. Its obvious he is taking out his frustrations out on you.
My issue is that your BF is not allowed at any family functions. This is something I would address. Its not he is just some guy, you have been with him for 2 years.
$37K on a ring? Is it a lot. Yes. But if your brother has that kind of money to blow, then by all means…blow your money. She sounds really shallow and materialistic.
Post # 9
Post # 10
just let let your brother stew in his own misery
Post # 11
how do you know that she won’t “let” him do these things? Is he unable to pick up a phone or drive?
while she sounds hideous, he is allowing this. It’s obviously turning his personality bitter. Poor thing.
You should not add to his misery by expecting him to be nice and civil. He’s chosen his lot in life and unless and until he stands up to her, expect more of the same. I’m sorry he hurt y our feelings but even more sorrythat you’ve kind of lost your brother temporarily:-(
Post # 12
- Wedding: January 2014 - Lizard Island, Australia
kellz1207: only giving my take on this but you say you never liked her from the beginning. I wonder if that is what has strained things, it’s so easy for these things to escalate. My husbands sister doesn’t seem to of ever liked me, she much preferred his ex. I know I’m a nice person and I’ve made every effort with her but she always finds a way to criticise. For example I’m too quiet and make her feel uncomfortable if I’m at one of their family events. I’m painfully shy that’s just who I am. I’ve tried and tried to be good enough but she criticises everything.
Its got got to the point now where I just don’t go to anything. I know she criticises me. I’ve never EVER told my husband that he can’t see his family but as his sister is so rude to me he has often chose to not go to things if she’s going to be like that. She then accused me of trying to break up his family. I honestly honestly can’t win and I don’t know what to do now. Shes decided she doesn’t like me and I’m not going to suck up to her. It makes me very sad. We got married abroad. I didn’t really want to it was hubby’s dream. He persuaded me. But no of course, it was my fault she couldn’t be there. I’m genuinely sorry if your sister in law is not a nice person, my brothers ex wasn’t great so I understand. But also being on the other side of it I just wonder if your family have made it hard for her.
i live in fear of wanting or buying or doing anything because I’ll be judged. But it’s really between me and my husband. If we want a bigger house or car or ring it’s not because I’m a selfish cow, I’m really not like that at all. I don’t know I’m sorry if I’ve got it wrong but there’s just always that chance she isn’t that bad. I hope you can resolve it. Lots of love x
Post # 13
Daizy914: it’s the brother who hasn’t been to family functions in over three years. The boyfriend has been there.
Post # 14
- Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY
I’d let it go; as PP stated, you gave a great answer on the spot. As for your SIL, no one can ban an able adult from doing anything; he is choosing to go along with her wishes.
Post # 15
Let it go. It’s a bummer, but it sounds like he’s got enough turmoil brewing in his life. Just look forward to the exciting time of engagement and marriage ahead of you. 🙂