Post # 1
I am getting married in January and one of my best friends is getting married in July 2015. Her my FI and myself are in their wedding as well as the couple is in ours. I have been very cost concious towards my bridesmaids and groomsmen knowing that 2 of our friends are saving up for thier wedding too. The only expense my girls have had to pay for is their dresses. I’ve purchased their shoes, shawls, and have already told them I am paying for their hair and makeup. My groomsmen only need to pay for part of their suit. I have also asked that we don’t do anything big for my stagette as they are just way too much money. (We ended up having a girls night in my city were I paid for all my own drinks)
So anyways, now that it is coming closer to the time for my friend to start planning her wedding, we are not getting the same consideration! She is asking me to plan and pay for her staggette out of town and take time off of work. Her weekend will cost me upwards of $500.00!!! On top of that her FI has decided he wants all the groomsmen to go to Mexico for his stag in April. The cost is $1000.00 plus taxes!!! I am utterly shocked and insulted that they would ask us to spend this much money on their wedding.
My FI and I sat down and figured it out. With all of their demands, being in their wedding will cost us close to $3000.00. This is causing a rift with my FI and I because I want to tell our friends how unreasonable they are being. My FI feels obligated to do everything even though we cannot afford it. We are going to have to take money out of our wedding to be able to join in their wedding. I am so torn! Am I being cheap? Is this how much people spend to be in a wedding?
Post # 2
You’re not being cheap, that is WAY too much to ask of someone! If I was in your shoes, I would just say that it’s a little too much for you, can you just do a simpler bachelorette party? After all, you are getting married too, so cash might be a little tight. She should understand.
And no, this shouldn’t be the norm for how much people spend. My bridesmaids are paying for a simple shower, bachelorette party, and their own hair and makeup and outfits. It will probably cost each of them a maximum of $400.
Post # 3
That is very inconsiderate of her. If you are this stressed about it, it is obviously too much. Remind your fiance how fair would it be for them to have these big parties that yall each have to pay for and then he end up having nothing for his stag because there is no money to spend on anything. I would put my foot down and I would not be joining them for their parties.
Post # 4
I don’t think you should tell your friends that they’re being unreasonable. However, I would just politely inform them that you and your fiance aren’t in a financial position to be spending that much money on their wedding for obvious reasons. Tell them that you hope they have a great time and that you wish you could go.
Just because you and your fiance are in the wedding party does not mean you are obligated to attend and pay for things that will cause a financial burden. However, if the bride & groom want to have a big expensive trip to celebrate their upcoming nuptials, then they should be able to do that. They just can’t get too upset if some people are unable to come.
I don’t think you’re being cheap. However, those prices don’t seem out of the ordinary (which is quite sad) to me.
Post # 5
MBradley: I mean, I think it’s quite expensive and I’d be put off by it, too. However, you can’t always expect the same type of consideration from another person. It’s very considerate of you to make these sacrifices and chip in to help cover the costs, but that doesn’t mean your friend has to automatically do the same. If this is what she wants, this is what she wants. You are free to bow out of it to save the money, but she doesn’t have to do something low key just because you did something low key. Have you told the friend all of the things you’ve done to help her out, or are you just expecting her to know? When it comes to money and weddings, unfortunately, you can’t compare your situation to another persons. What you’re doing for that couple is nice, but you can’t expect the exact same in return.
Post # 6
MBradley: Telling them they are being unreasonabe would not be wise. Telling them you cannot afford those plans is fine. If they want to stick to those plans, then you cannot afford to attend. Period.
Post # 7
- Wedding: May 2015 - Walnut Hill Bed & Breakfast
That sounds ridiculous and your friends need a reality check. $1,000 trip to mexico for a bachelor party?! what?!
Post # 8
I wouldn’t take it too personally. That is their wedding and that is how they want to plan things. You had your way and they have theirs.
My friend and her FI are in our wedding and we are in theirs. She is having a black tie event and we have to pay for it all on our own as well as going to their out of town bachelor/bachelorette parties, so it is going to add up for us as well. I don’t think they are being inconsiderate though. They are as excited to do all the things that go with wedding planning as we are. I think we are just a little money concious about it. We both understood if one couldn’t do the others bachelorette party and that we would support and help each other as much as we could with all the planning we had to do for our own weddings.
So maybe just talk to your friends, I don’t think they will expect you do go to the bachelorette/bachelor parties. You might just have to not go but explain to them why. They will probably understand.
Post # 9
MBradley: You’re being sensible to your wedding party by cutting costs. She is not. Don’t do anything you can’t afford. If being in her wedding is going to be a financial burden (and $3000 most definitely is) it’s better to step down and focus on your own wedding.
Post # 10
- Wedding: May 2015 - Walnut Hill Bed & Breakfast
I’d explain to her that you’d love to do those things but they’re just not in your budget. If it means not being in the wedding or just not going to the parties.
Post # 11
They shouldn’t cancel a fun trip because it’s more expensive than your party. However, they can’t require anyone to go.
Post # 12
Thanks for all the support. I makes me feel a lot better knowing that I am not alone. I feel a little put out because as costs have come up with my wedding I made sure to tell my girls to not worry and save their money for thier weddings as I want them to have their dream day too!! I just didnt expect their dream wedding to include 2 crazy expensive stag/stagettes plus a wedding.
Post # 13
I would just tell them you can’t afford to do these parties b/c of other expenses and time off needed including for your own wedding. In my circles big out of town bachelor/bachelorettes are pretty common. I don’t feel offended I just don’t attend if I can’t afford the time or money. Depending on my relationship I might offer to take the bride to lunch at home instead, buy her a drink, or see if she wants to have a local night out as well just a dinner or night at a bar.
Post # 14
I would say something like it sounds like you are going to have an amazing time, unfortunately my FI and I are not in the position to afford to take part. Focus on your own wedding. those are the memories you will have
Post # 15
julies1949: Agreed! I would just say I’m sorry but we can’t, we can afford attire and local events but the extra costs just don’t work in our budget with our upcoming wedding.