Post # 1
Just curious to see how various couples are handling this. I used to believe that men did not care much about the details of the wedding day and were happy to have women make all the decisions. However, I have met several men who were upset that the bride “took over.” One of these men broke off an engagement because, he told me, his fiancée was very set in her ways, and he did not discover this until they were planning the wedding and everything had to be a certain way.
I tried during my own wedding planning to make it a joint venture, but I met resistance from a friend who insisted that it was “the bride’s day” and it should be all about what I want. The coordinator at the venue also told me that “the women rule” when it comes to weddings.
How is it going (or how did it go) with you?
Post # 3
We’re at the tail end of planning but in the beginning of it, I had to gauge how involved FI wanted to be. So I tried involving him early on with choosing the venue and decor. He was very clear in telling me the things he cared about and the things he had no opinion on. For those things, I ran the show. But with the other things, I made sure I got his take on it before making a final decision (venue, food, music, officiant).
Post # 4
- Wedding: September 2013 - Ontario, Canada
I have run things by my SO and he cares about certain things but I have pretty much done 90% of it on my own. I work as an Executive Assistant though so have a lot of experience is organisation and event planning so it sort of makes sense that I take the lead on it. I think it is competely wrong to say that men doesn’t have a say though – it’s their day too and I think its really important to sit down and agree on the feel of the day.
We agreed ahead of time that we wanted something quite intimate, really good food, non religious ceremony, and all in once place so our guests didn’t have to travel from the ceremony to reception. After that I did all the research and then showed him the options and that is pretty much how we have planned the whole wedding.
I asked him about flowers – he said that I completely don’t care about, so I can choose what I want. Cake topper – he is much more opinionated on so I let him pick that. I think its about finding a middle ground – even if women quite often ends up making the majority of the decisions.
Post # 5
It depends on the dynamics of the couple I guess. My partner has been involved in all the big decisions, and I’ve run pretty much all the other stuff past him for his opinions – which he’s given, the good & the bad. He has claimed ownership of cars & suits (boy stuff apparently) but we jointly agreed on the cars at a recent bridal expo, and I’ll g on a preliminary suit shopping trip to see colours & styles, but I’m happy if he wants to make it his decision.
However I know talking to my girlfriends (1 recently married & 2 also engaged) that their guys involvement ranges from “whatever you want babe” to being rather particular about certain elements (cars, music, suits etc).
Post # 6
It is more equal for us, but some aspects FI has no opinion on, whereas I do, so in that case I will decide. Also the ceremony venue is my choice mainly, as it has been where I have wanted to get married my whole life, it is where my parents and grandparents were married, and my aunt and I were christened. It was very important to me to have a church wedding, whereas FI didn’t mind as much, so that decision was mine as well.
Post # 7
I’ve already had a few people, mostly the FI’s friends and family in fact, tell me that “it’s the bride’s day” and refer to it as my wedding.
I remind them that it’s “our” wedding and that it will be his day too – my day is my birthday and I’m not marrying myself.
Some people have been surprised that I’ve consulted the FI about and that he has given his input (in varying degrees) on pretty much every aspect of the wedding (including my dress) because I know I come off as a Type A control freak. But the day is about celebrating the next chapter of our lives, not just mine.
Post # 8
I voted equally but in reality I do get a little extra weight on most votes. BUT FH doesn’t care about much, generally he has no opinion so he says everything is fine. We met with the caterer the other night and we were going through options and came to the ice sculpture, I immediately said no, we don’t need that. FH piped up and said he thought he might like one, he’d seen them be pretty cool. It became a maybe (if budget allows) item. I personally don’t want one, but it’s something he feels strongly about (i know this because he piped up about it) so we’ll consider it and if we can afford it we’ll do it.
Post # 9
I did most of it because DH truly didn’t care about the details I did. If he did and he had an opinion I would have listened to him and it would have been completely a joint venture. If the groom has an opinion it should be listened to because it’s his day as will.
Post # 10
@Carolsays: i told FI i wasn’t planning the wedding myself.
there are aspects he could care less about, invitations, flowers, decor, etc.
but food and music were the most important and we did those together.
we also picked the location together, i did go to a few places without FI.
i also gave FI a To Do list of things he needed to do. He is creating our wedding program, he is arranging dance lessons (he knew someone to teach us), he is planning the entire honeymoon.
Post # 11
I try to run ever decision past him, just so he’s in the loop. Some he cares about, others he doesn’t, and then there’s some that he’s very adamant about. In the end, I’m making most of the decisions, but it’s not because I don’t care what he wants, he just doesn’t care about 90% of the decisions. lol. He’s also been a trooper and come to every meeting with me, even when it’s something he clearly doesn’t care about, like linens. 🙂
Post # 12
I did the majority of the research part – narrowed down venues to about 5-7 I liked and were in our budget. Then he and I went through them (we’re doing a DW so it was all Internet based) and decided together. This is how it worked with pretty much everything – invitations, DJ/band, photographer, etc. so I did the majority of the prep work I guess, but we decided it all together and agreed on who to hire. He even had opinions on flowers!
Post # 13
FI and I are both in the planning. I’m leaving him up to the music, he knows more about music than I do. We are doing an iPod wedding since we are having very few people there. I work weddings almost every weekend and am very knowledgable about weddings, so he leaves a lot of the details and ideas up to me. I just run them by him and he gives me input and more ideas. Some things he cares about, other he doesn’t. Somethings he’s clueless about, like flowers and a few details, but he said he’d leave that up to me.
Post # 14
@Carolsays: DH cared about 40% of planning VERY passionatey, so he got 100% say in the 40% he cared about.
I planned the other 60%, and ran my choices by him!
Post # 15
I am probably tcontrolling has made a lot of the decisions but these are the little bits and pieces that my fiancé doesn’t really care about, like decorations, flowers etc. We have made the big decisions together and if my fiancé had a suggestion then I would try and incorporate it somehow, but he hasn’t really made any! So, I said if was equal and if would be but he is happy to let me take the lead with it. I run things by him first and if he said no to something then I would not do it.
Post # 16
My groom gets as much say and involvement as he wants. However, he knows that I’m not his personal wedding planner, so it’s not just “tell me what you want and I’ll make it happen.” He has areas that he coordinates, and we tend to make decisions collaboratively.