Post # 1
When it comes to your partner, do you care what your family thinks? I will say that my family gets no say over what happens in my marriage nor would I choose them over my husband. However, when choosing a partner I did hear their voices in my head.
I have ony ever dated 1 guy who wasn’t Russian (and also happened to be black). It’s important to me to speak the language at home and keep our traditions/customs. When I dated the guy who wasn’t Russian, I definitely heard some comments.
I have no problem saying it – my grandparents are racist. They would have had less of an issue with a white European, even non-Russian, than a black guy from Jamaica. Obviously I don’t share their sentiments but they are old and won’t change.
I had to make a conscious decision – is this person worth losing my family over? He wasn’t. We’d only had a few dates and were not serious or in love. Since then, I’ve only dated guys I can see long term potential with. Right or wrong, it’s what I chose.
I feel most people will say they don’t care what anyone thinks but my family is ridiculously important to me. It would take an awfully special outsider for me to ever consider losing them. I wanted everyone to get along and our families to merge.
How about you?
Post # 3
My family knows me very well and we are very close so if they had an issue with a partner of mine, I would really stop and consider what it is about that person that made them dislike him. I had an ex they absolutely hated and I couldn’t see it at the time because I was in the infatuation stage, but the more I thought about it, the more I started to notice the things he would do that were manipulative and borderline emotionally abusive. They turned out to be 100% right about him. They also loved FI and got along amazingly from the second they met him, so I consider them pretty good judges of character. My sister is especially good at reading people and has absolutely no issue with speaking her mind when she dislikes someone.
Post # 4
@MrsPanda99: It is very important that my FI and my family get along. Luckily for me they do but my sister’s husband and my family do not get along. So, my sister brings herself and my nephew to our holiday events and her husband does not come. That is weird to me and I am glad that my FI and I from the beginning had an agreement that we would spend holidays together and we both fit in very well with eachother’s families.
Post # 5
@MrsPanda99: I wouldn’t say that I think about them in specific. My parents raised me with the thought that you don’t date someone unless you could see long-term marriage potential with them- if you don’t then it’s time to move on. So I do what you describe but not specifically with my family dynamic in mind…. Luckily they are all in love with DH & my dad started calling & introducing him as his son-in-law probably 3-4 years before we even got engaged!
Post # 6
@MrsPanda99: my dad is pretty loving and accepting of everyone so if he really disapproved of someone it would be because the dude treated me badly. As an adult I have more respect for myself than that so there’s no way the issue would even come up now. But when I first started dating my FI my favorite cousin asked who would need to “approve him” and I had a hugely negative visceral reaction and said “no one!!!”
Post # 7
@MrsPanda99: Its me and Mr. 99, and thats all…I’m a very family oriented person, but I have a hierarchy of where everything falls, and no matter the circumstance…he’s first.
He is the exact opposite of everything I was raised around and influenced by, I find him to be refreshing, inspiring and tough as nails…which is exactly what I wanted…I just didn’t know until I clapped eyes on him.
Post # 8
I am very close with my family, and they support my choices, no matter what. It would be highly unlikely that I would date someone that they didn’t approve of because we value the same characteristics in people: kind, hard-working, family oriented, etc.
IF it came down to it, I can’t imagine losing my family over my partner. They are my flesh and blood. I think if I chose my partner over them, I’d come to resent him down the line and things probably wouldn’t work out anyway.
Good thing I don’t have to worry about this – they have loved my fiance since we started dating 8 years ago, and he has long since been a part of the family.
Post # 9
@Nona99: Now that we are married, I totally agree. He comes first and my family knows that. Getting to this point and choosing a partner I wanted to marry though, I did care about what they thought. Maybe it’s a bit weird but 4 out of 5 of us married Russians and the one brother who didn’t is getting divorced. Understanding the culture and language help with raising kids and family time.
Or I’m totally nuts and it’s a coincidence.
Post # 10
Being that I usually dated people for years before my family even meets them, I’d say they have very little sway on my decisons!
My mom has met my H only 5 times total I think. And we’ve been together for over 5 years now. It was even fewer with my exH.
Post # 11
@MrsPanda99: …I knew the minute I saw Mr. 99 that I was going to marry him…actually, it was the exact moment he took off his sunglasses and I looked him in the eyes….those cerulean depths told me everything I needed to know about him and I never looked back, someone would have had an easier time bailing out the tide than telling me to leave him alone
….my parents got engaged after dating for two weeks….so my experience was nothing out of the ordinary in our family, they’ve been married 37 years, my brother has been married for 10 and we’re going on 6…some people know a sure thing when they see it.
Post # 12
@BeckyS0: Sometimes I liked to just date for fun. I won’t say I was above casual sex. However, my brother told me grandma would die of a heart attack if I brought a black guy home for xmas. It’s not even a valid reason, which is frustrating. What is more valid is that half my family only speaks Russian so they couldn’t communicate with him.
I don’t know, I just wouldn’t let anyone break our family apart.
Post # 13
@MrsPanda99: Honestly, it’s a non-issue for me, because my family would only dislike my partner if they treated me poorly or made me unhappy. So I guess they get a lot of say, because they’ve only ever intervened in one relationship in which I was treated VERY badly. So if they were to ever dislike my husband, I suppose I’d have to take a very hard look at our marriage. And I think, considering he’s a part of the family now, they would probably more than likely take issue up with him.
Post # 14
My FI comes first. We’re a unit and always present ourselves as one, no matter what the situation.
My family supports everything I do, if they had issue with someone I was dating and spoke up, I would certainly listen to what they had to say.. They’re not the type of people who create drama or dislike people without merit, I respect them and what they have to say. They adore my FI, and joke that they like him more than they like me…. I would NOT want to marry someone my parents didn’t like.
Post # 15
My family has zero say or influence in my relationships. Back in college, I dated a guy for 2 years. I was having a great time and we had a good thing going for a while. Obviously, it didn’t work out, but he was a good guy and I have no regrets about the relationship. But, my parents hated him because they thought his mathematics degree was beneath me (I majored in business) and that he couldn’t provide for me. Yeah, they had a few screws loose. They even refused to acknowledge that we were in a relationship; they would always change the subject if I brought him up. And it’s not like they had a bad history or lots of drama with him…they met him twice in our 2 years of dating and both times were in the first few months. I decided that if they could not even look past their own interests and acknowledge someone who clearly makes their daughter happy, that they would no longer be a factor or influence in my dating life. They like my FI, which is cool. I was actually taken by surprise with how much they like him. But, if they hadn’t liked the man I planned to marry, it would not have phased me.
Post # 16
@KC-2722: Now that I’m married, of course. But I don’t make myself a unit with any guy I date. Fitting into my family was a big consideration to me. Just because I’m starting my own family doesn’t mean I want to lose my first one if that makes sense.