(Closed) How much should brides expect of families/friends?

posted 8 years ago in Beehive
Post # 3
Member
3709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

My FI and I are pretty private people. I didn’t even ask anybody to go dress shopping with me b/c I WANTED to go on my own. Maybe it was wedding show overload but I have seen too many shows where relatives caused the bride to question what she likes. As far as the planning, my FI did all of that with limited input from his family.

We are both pretty independent and are the “go to” people in our respective families when a problem needs solving or what have you, so there really wasn’t a point to even asking others for help when we are usually the “helpers” ourselves. All we asked our families to do was pray for us and if they weren’t happy with our decision to have a private DW…that they keep it to themselves…at least until it was over.

My younger sister is planning on getting married in September and I am sure there will be tons of offers to help but she already knows that when it’s time for action, it will be me and her…LOL…and her FI of course.

I read some of the comments/threads abt parents not paying for this or that and I can’t really speak to that b/c it’s not what I was raised to expect. In my family, you make your own way and if you can’t pay for it, you can’t have it. I think that those brides who HAVE someone willing to contribute, even in some small way…be it financial or through service, should COUNT THEIR BLESSINGS. Some parents don’t contribute a dime and STILL chime in with their preferences, some parents could care less one way or the other.

 I say if you have family and friends who are willing to be there with you on your day…you have more than a LOT of people. The rest will work itself out one way or the other.

Post # 4
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Honestly, I never expected anything much from my family or friends–and they have surprised me with how much they’ve offered. I didn’t expect my parents to pay for my wedding, but they are, and I’m incredibly grateful for that gift. FI’s parents will end up buying us some furniture (things we really need) and putting the deposits down on our new place, and I’m grateful that they’re willing to do that, too.

However, we planned our future with none of this in mind, and if the help disappeared tomorrow, our plans would change a lot but we would not hold it against anyone one bit–sometimes, that’s life. I’ve vented on here before about the FILs changing their minds, but I’ve come to realize that you have to roll with the punches.

I do feel sad for those brides whose families truly ignore them/their weddings, though. I’ve seen first hand how truly sad it feels. I know that you may have low expectations, and some of these girls have too, but it didn’t make it any less sad that their family was yet again missing from another big part of their life. Yeah, they had a happy wedding day/will have a good wedding day, but that part is still not there. Anyone who has the offers of help when they’re truly wanted is blessed to have a wonderful family or wonderful friends, you know?

Phew, sorry, didn’t mean to write a novel there.

Post # 5
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think in this day in age, it is your and your fiance’s wedding – therefore you are responsible for everything. Family and Friend monetary and time contributions are just a bonus and should not be expected.

Post # 6
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I think when you expect things from people you’re setting yourself up for disappointment, at least when it comes to something like a wedding. My ex used to always say “expect the worse and anything else is a blessing” and I kind of agree with that to a cerain extent.

Post # 7
Member
1676 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’ve tried really hard to keep the same mindset.  …although I can’t pretend that I’m not a little bit upset that my mom doesn’t want to be more involved in the wedding plans.  I’m her first child to get married afterall.  Her and my dad are footing the bill for most of the wedding, which is incredibly generous, but I kind of wish they wanted to have more actual involvement, other than just handing over the checkbook. 

I have been pleasantly surprised by my bridesmaids, since I expect very little of them, and they have gone out of their way to find out ways that they can help out.  Just little things like booking nail appointments for all of us… but still, really nice and thoughtful 🙂

Post # 8
Member
689 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

i agree with skibobrown..my parents aren’t really as involved as i would have liked them to be..i too am the first one getting married in my family, but i guess it’s ok..just have to deal with it..maybe as it gets closer they’ll be a little more involved..only thing that they really did was come dress shopping with me, but as far as the details go, they haven’t said much or done anything to be involved..

as far as the bridesmaids go, i don’t really have any expectations for them except to buy their dresses…i’m sure that once the wedding gets closer, they will be helping with a lot of little tasks that need to be done, and they’ve been great offering their help if needed…

Post # 9
Member
1676 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Tee hee — melv0802, I asked my mom the other day if she likes doing arts and crafts.  I was thinking that maybe she would want to help with some DIY projects, since I remember that when I was a little kid she was always setting up fun arts and crafts projects for my sister and I to work on. 

Her answer to my question?  A resounding NO.  Oh well… at least I know who *not* to ask for help when it comes time for DIY projects. 

Post # 10
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Completely agree with Jamie80218. It’s you and your fiances wedding, not anyone elses. You should be thankful and appreciative if you get any help but it should definetly not be expected.

Post # 11
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Hey Girl – we are both living in NYC and getting married in Philly!

I actually joined the hive back in June because I was so frustrated with my family not showing any interest. I showed up at my family’s easter (a big to-do) with my new FI, no one had seen us since the proposal and NO ONE said congratulations or asked to see the ring. I don’t think it was as simple as people not being as excited at us, they didn’t even acknowledge it!

It’s funny because once I vented to the hive, I felt a lot better and haven’t really thought about it since. And since then also people have shown a lot more interest! I’ve kind of summed it up to the fact that my 3 female cousins my age are single or divorced and I think people didn’t want to make them feel uncomfortable by making a big deal over us in front of them. But once they aren’t around, everyone asks to see the ring and asks about the wedding.

And I’m pretty realistic about BM expectations. Although, it does make me sad that my one BM is being extremely unresponsive and I was just in her wedding a few months ago. Other than that, I am very happy with the level of support I am getting from wedding party members and friends.

Post # 12
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m sort of in a different camp here. I DID expect both money and involvement from my parents. This is because my mom has always, since I was little, said that my wedding is one of the things that they believed was their responsibility as parents to take care of. I’m an only child because they wanted to make sure they could do everything that they felt parents should do for their child if it is within their means. They have not disappointed me and I’m very grateful for that. As far as involvement goes, my mom has historically butted into every aspect of my life and threw in her 2 cents when I didn’t want it on, like, everything. She also expected a lot of me in terms of moral support throughout my life, which I gave to her. So if my wedding rolled around and she was uninterested, that would not fly with me AT ALL.

Post # 13
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I didn’t expect anything from our wedding party as far as involvement is concerned. I let them pick their own dresses, and I even picked them up from the store, and delivered them to each girl. We did the same with the suits for our guys. We never asked for help with favors or programs, and never expected any showers or other parties. Basically, we just wanted them to show up.

That said, though, I think there’s a HUGE difference between expecting involvement and expecting encouragement/interest. My husband and I did everything for our wedding. Like I said, we didn’t want anyone else to have to lift a finger because it was our project, not theirs. But we did expect family and close friends to want to know about some things. The wedding certainly wasn’t all we talked about, but on occasion, we liked to have people ask about how things were going, express interest, listen to our problems, give advice (even if unwarrented sometimes), etc. A wedding is truly a big deal, whether it’s a small courthouse ceremony or a huge lavish party. It’s a big step in anyone’s life, and for a family member or close friend to NOT want to hear about it at times is weird. So yeah, I would be totally offended if my mom wasn’t at all interested or seemed very insincere when talking about the wedding. To me, that would be like a mother not caring her daughter was pregnant and not asking, “How are you feeling?” when she saw her.

Lucky for us, though, our families were wonderful about that and were very interested in the wedding plans.

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