How much to give BIL and his FI at their wedding.

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

2) Give them physical gifts for the shower, bachelorette, and engagement party and a card for their wedding. Don’t invite comparisons.  Don’t calculate how much they spent vs. how much you’re spending multiplied by your income divided by their condo cost to the square root of your hotel room. 

Edited my post to remove point 1.  Re-read and realized the Wedding Envelope Website is some messed up sort of calculator tool????

  • This reply was modified 2 years ago by  canadajane.
Post # 4
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Don’t make this tit for tat.  

This is your husband’s brother, and now your brother.  Different people are going to suggest different amounts/gifts, and eventually, you’ll make a decision.  The only way you can go wrong is making this about how much you spent vs. how much they spent and making it all fair and equal.    

Post # 5
988 posts
Busy bee


Salted_Caramel:  You lost me at the “suggested” $275 gift. As PP said…WTF?! [EDIT: Okay, I see your response/explanation now…it seemed at first as if the couple put a suggested gift on their site, which would really have been WTF.]

Actually, I agree with PP on everything she said. I hope this doesn’t offend, but this whole post reminds me of Sheldon from the Big Bang theory describing how much he hates gift giving as a whole because if one gift is bigger than another, then you’re “uneven” (I believe the plot of one episode involved him buying multiple gifts at different price points so he knew how much had been spent on him prior to selecting which gift would be the appropriate in return). My point is, your gift should reflect what you personally want to spend on the couple and should not be based on what you have (or have not) received from them.

  • This reply was modified 2 years ago by  amanda.417.
Post # 7
4956 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Salted_Caramel:  I would absolutely not give $500 if you are paying $350+ a night for a hotel. I would maybe give $200, if that. If you honestly can’t afford a gift, I would leave it at a card and call it a day.

Post # 8
4147 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

You lost me when you started comparing your weddings to “peak” and “off-peak” – no need to be petty about what each other’s weddings cost.

It’s unfortunately that their money was lost in a limo, but that’s their fault for not taking better care of $500.  I would say given you are spending so much, have planned all the other activities and this is kind of a destination wedding for you to attend, give them $100 in a card and hope they aren’t so greedy that they don’t realize all the other money you’re putting out to attend/be in their wedding/other festivities.

Post # 9
3828 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

wtf. I’m sorry but that website is bunk. It told me to give way more than we did for my BIL. We dont have a lot of money right now!! 

Give whatever you are comfortable with.  

Post # 12
2282 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

But giving back exactly what you received is not a gift at all. I would try to put something in teh card – as much as you can comfortably afford – and don’t compare it to what they did or did not or tried to give you. Too separate things. Be the first in your family to do things the right way…

Post # 15
2787 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014


Swizzle:  If that website was accurate, EVERYONE at our wedding “undergifted” us by $250.  I would not use that website as a even a guideline. 

OP, give what you are comfortable wtih, what your DH is comfortable wtih.  Even if you family is very “Tit for tat” you don’t need to justify yourself. 

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