Post # 1
I suppose this question is mainly geared towards waiting Bees, but everyone’s input is welcome. We all know that society (and let’s face it, many women) puts pressure on men to buy an expensive ring. You’ve heard the lines “3 months salary”, “one carat rule”. Of course not all women agree with this philosophy but it’s out there.
Among these threads many Bees are sporting sparklers that are easily upwards of $10,000. Objects that are small enough to fit on one finger. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a jewelry fiend and certainly don’t consider an engagement ring a waste of money. However, an engagement ring is something the woman wears. Her gentleman does not borrow if from her and wear it on his finger from time to time. It’s hers.
I’ve seen more than one post featuring comments such as “He only has (insert amount here) saved up?” or “How selfish of him to buy things for himself when he should be using the money for a ring”. Errr, excuse me?
If my boyfriend (keep in mind, you’re not married) expected me to save $10,000 to purchase an item that only he could use I’d say HELL TO THE NO! And I think most of society would agree with me. No one puts pressure on women to spend 3 months salary on a single item for their boyfriends.
So, how much would you feel comfortable spending? $10,000, $1000, $500? More or less?
Post # 3
@Aquaria: I agree, but then I’m not a hypocrite; I wouldn’t have wanted him to spend any more than we agreed on, and when I’m earning more, I certainly plan on treating him to some nice gifts.
I think the whole 3 months salary thing is nonsense, and I don’t like the idea of something being expected, if that makes sense. If someone can afford to spend $10,000 on a ring and WANTS to, cool; but I don’t like the idea that they should, or that they have to, or that they’re cheaping out if they don’t, particularly if as you say their partner wouldn’t be prepared to spend the same.
Post # 4
@Aquaria: that’s an interesting question, because the ring can also be a point of pride for the guy. I would probably spend a couple thousand if I could, but I would have been happy with a much less expensive ring.
Post # 5
- Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo
The most I’ve spent one one item for BF so far is probably the super awesome figure I got for him for our last anniversary, that was about £120 ^^ if I could afford to just up and buy him something more expensive (like a ps vita or the xbox1 – though I would use that as well haha) then I would.
But the ring I’ve set my heart on is £150, so I don’t think that’s too unbalanced :3 no ring would be fine too.
What would annoy me is if he insisted that I have to be given a ring and that it has to cost stupid amount, which perhaps he’ll be saving for but then turn around and buy himself something else – I’ve seen threads along those lines. The scenario can go either way.
Post # 6
@Aquaria: That’s a REALLY good point, what a great thread idea!
I think for me it’s more of a question of how much either one of us can afford to spend. Right now, my SO is in a much better financial position than myself and I think spending up to 1000 euros for an engagement ring for me would be within reason but I would neither want nor expect him to spend any more – actually, I’d feel guilty if he did. Right now, I can’t afford to spend nearly as much but if I were in a similar financial position, I would spend a similar amount on a once-in-a-lifetime gift for him. If things go according to plan, I will be making exactly the same amount of money he’s making now very soon (within the next 6 months, hopefully) and I plan on buying him something of similar value to my engagement ring for a wedding present. I really like the idea of a great watch for him.
I wouldn’t, however, spend that much on a Christmas or birthday present for him and would probably check his temperature and send him to the doctor if he wanted to spend that much on a “regular” present for me 🙂
Post # 7
Well our finances are essentially fully combined, so the question of how much could be afforded is the same, although he earns about 20% more than me, so I’d feel guilty about it if it was a large proportion of our savings.
I would spend thousands on him but he would feel super uncomfortable about it. For Christmas I spent about $300 on him for Christmas and he spent more like $200 on me. I couldn’t care less, even if the money wasn’t coming from the same pot, but with a birthday next week, he’s already told me multiple times that he feels so guilty about the small Christmas spend discrepancy, I shouldn’t get him anything for his birthday. I don’t want to make him uncomfortable so he’ll get a book and a dinner out and that’s it.
short answer: less than what an engagement ring would cost, but only based on his comfort with the situation rather than mine!
Post # 8
- Wedding: June 2014 - Ontario, Canada ♥ EDD- April 2016
This is such a good post- I never thought about it like that! My ring cost $1500 (Moissanite and diamonds) and I think I would probably spend about the same. We were both students at the time and he saved for my ring since we met when we were 17 (it took three years, not three months, to buy my ring aha). I’m still a student and make minimum wage when I’m not in school, so it would take me a long time to save as well.
Post # 9
@Contented_J: Out of curiosity, are you married? I don’t think I know any couples whose finances are fully combined.
Post # 10
The biggest financial gift I ever gave DH was to pay off his credit cards, and that was a lot of money… much more than my ring. However, I had come into some money, and we were married, so why not? If we weren’t married, I would have paid off less of it, I think.
Physical gift wise, the most I ever spent was on a pedigree kitten as a gift for my existing cat (long story). Yes… I spent a fortune on a gift for an animal…
Jewellery wise, DH spent less than 1 month’s salary on my ring, but it would have been pointless for him to spend more. Big rings just aren’t practical for everyday wear IMO, and mine is high quality as it is.
Post # 11
@Aquaria: well it’s not just a gift. It’s a symbol of your marriage that the wife wears every day for the rest of her life. Worth an investment.
No, I’ve never spent the equivalent of my engagement ring on my FH and at over $20K I doubt I ever will. When men and women earn equal pay, men carry babies, and wear high heels I’ll worry about it.
ETA: aren’t you the poster whose husband won’t ‘let’ you quit your 2nd job? I think you might need to learn to be spoiled sometimes. everything isn’t equal, nor should it be.
Post # 12
that’s an interesting question, because the ring can also be a point of pride for the guy.
I think for me it’s more of a question of how much either one of us can afford to spend.
When men and women earn equal pay, men carry babies, and wear high heels I’ll worry about it.
+1 to all of this.
Generally speaking in our society, men earn more money than women. I think in a situation where the man earns more than the woman, or he has more wealth/assets, it’s entirely appropriate for him to spend considerably more when it comes to wedding jewelry. From my experience, most men also don’t look at this from the “eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth” angle; they consider it a point of pride to provide nice rings for their ladies and don’t expect to be compensated equally, for the lack of a better way of putting it.
However, I’ve always been very generous when it comes to gift-giving in general. When we got married I gave DH a simple, inexpensive gold band because that’s what he wanted. If he had wanted a fancy designer band I would have gotten it.
He didn’t ask me for anything more than that, but I kept asking and he finally said he would like a pocket watch. I had a family heirloom that was badly in need of repair and DH said he would rather have that one than a new one. So I spent $500 having my grandfather’s 1940s solid gold railroad pocket watch refurbished and restored.
A new, solid gold watch would have cost God knows how many thousands. But if DH had wanted a new one, I would have spent that money without blinking an eye because I love him and he deserves the best.
Post # 13
@Aquaria: nope, I’m ‘waiting’ but happily so and would wait forever if that had to be the case. We do own out house together though, so that’s why finances are combined. Believe me, I’d like a little legal acknowledgement, but the long term commitment is 100% there.
Post # 14
I think it depends on where the couple is in life and their individual finances. I bought my boyfriend a $10k Rolex last year for Christmas, which was the biggest “individual” gift I ever bought him, actually the biggest gift I ever bought anyone. Like a ring, he wears it every single day and he will have it always. I know many women who buy their fiancé’s or husbands a high end watch for either their wedding gift or for a milestone birthday, but it’s more common for the woman to not work or just make less than the man does so I agree with the other posters on that. I am not engaged yet, we live together. I don’t ‘expect’ any kind of ring, but as another poster said my boyfriend definitely feels the ring will be a reflection on him, and he has a high standard he wants for the ring he gives me.
Post # 15
i will say I’ve probably spent more than $12k on FI at one time. NBD; he needed it, and I had the cash available. I guess to compare, my ering was ~$10k, so I guess that’s close enough…
Post # 16
I think it really depends! At the moment I make next to nothing, but my future career will be high-paying. Right now I spent $450 on a Christmas present for him, which is about a month’s pay (I’m in my last year of school and only work part-time at a retail job).
When I’m making $250k, I’m not sure I’d go ahead and blow $20,000 on him at Christmas… But I think if he REALLY wanted something and I knew it would make him incredibly happy, then I would probably be willing to spend $10k for a big milestone, like 5th anniversary or something!