(Closed) How not to pressure

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1404 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@lizzybeth5807:  You should bring it up again and remind him that it was at his suggestion that you “should talk about this again sometime”. If it’s something that you need to know, you have to ask or you’ll just keep going around in circles wondering when, if ever, he’ll talk about it on his own.

Post # 4
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

He told you “some time to get his life together”- that could be weeks, months, or years. If “some time” is more in the years category for him, he could feel that there is no need to discuss it any time soon.

I would bring it up again and ask not for a timeline so much as what he wants in place before he feels ready to move to the next step. Maybe both of you discuss what you want your life to look like 5 years down the line. It will help get you on the same page or at least open the lines of communication.

Post # 6
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

I think the more you talk about what you want out of life, it plants ideas in their heads and then talking about the future slowly comes apart of every day conversations. I remember when it was hard to know when to bring up the marriage talk, but now after a few times it is so easy to have conversations about where I don’t have to freakout if he is freaking out. I think you two have been together long enough that you should be talking about the future and planning something. I think a timeline is important bc it gives him an idea when he needs to get his stuff together too.

Post # 7
Member
1450 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Men marry women who demand that they be married.  So if you don’t insist on getting married (within reason), he will not marry you.

Some books:

Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others – John T Malloy (you can actually read the important chapters on Google Books for free)

Love in 90 Days – Diana Kirshner (I know it’s for dating, but there is a lot of good/interesting information that is applicable for people in relationships)

The Relationship Cure – Dr. John Gottman (Great ideas for creating and maintaining healthy relationships, as well as figuring out where you’re going wrong with the way you communicate with one another)

I wouldn’t have moved in with my bf unless he had a plan or timeline of when getting married would happen.  If you want to be married and have children, your prime window is about to open and it’s unfair of him to ask you to waste your time waiting on him.

Post # 8
Member
228 posts
Helper bee

I would say, hey, you offered a timeline before and I actually think that would be nice to have. Can you think about it and thewe get back to me and we can talk a little more? Sometime in the next month or so (or a couple weeks, however much time you want to give.) that way he’ll hopefully initiate the next convo. He sounds sweet, my SO did the same thing assuring me that they were good convos to have bc I brought it up the first few times and he could tell I felt wierd doing so. He started bringing it up too as time went on. 

Post # 9
Member
228 posts
Helper bee

But I say give a timeframe for the convo bc with early relationship talks I just about burst since “take some time to think about it” meant different things to each of us.

Post # 10
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@wilfred:  +1

that is all good advice. I would say that since he offered, you’re just taking him up on his offer. that’s not pressure! best thing you can do is try to not get freaked out and stay calm and happy for the conversation.

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