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I don't really wonder what's normal (though I do get curious!). For me, it's whatever works for us. There are some couples that do it daily, some weekly, some monthly. It just depends. I think the main thing is making sure you're both on the same page! :-)
My husband and I are a lot less than we want right now. Stupid birth control and health problems!
I know...birth control and paxil have almost completely killed my dersire.
It's sad. I want a viagra for girls. tee-hee-hee
Pretty often!! FI is not afraid to show his affection towards me, and we get down a pretty good bit! :)
I would say on average, three times a week...It feels a bit low to me when I think how often other people our age do it, but we're tired during the week, he comes home late and I waiit for him to get home before eatiing dinner, so as soon as he comes home we eat, and then by the time I digest, it's already so late! But the weekends are our fun time :)
Maybe THAT is how birth control works! haha
You don;t get pregnant because you never want to have sex! LOL!!!
Yeah, the weekends are when we get busy. We are just too busy/tired during the week. We both get up at 5:45 am, and by the time we get home there is three hours to change, make dinner, eat dinner, watch a bit of tv and it's bed time! Haha, we would both like to have sex more often, but it just doesn't work with our schedules right now.
The crazy thing is that birth control totally killed my drive... but pregnancy (at least the first few months of it) had the same effect. I was so sick and tired during the first trimester, I think we had sex like once a month. So you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't, lol!
Not that I wish it on anyone but I had a preventative total hysterectomy five years ago and it's made me want it non-stop! We do it at least once a day and we have a daughter, I work a full time job and a part time job on the weekends, he works and is a full time Master's student, and we have two pups and a house so our time is limited but we make time.....every day!
It's so weird thinking about birth control and sex drive after being on it for 10 years! I definitely remember it being higher when I was 18...and I definitely attributed a lower sex drive to birth control. After being on it so long I have just learned to do have sex whenever the situation arises rather than when I'm already thinking about it...which is rare. I always enjoy it, so why not just always say yes!
BTW - thanks for including options in the poll that were in monthly increments. The last poll on this topic only had how many times per week! Ha!
I will be very honest with you ladies.
We don't have a lot of sex. We had it twice a couple weeks ago (Saturday/Sunday I think?) and haven't had it for....about 1.5 weeks now. DH had drill Sat/Sun so he was up and gone by 530am. Sometimes we fool around, but *I* don't really want it. I'm not a sexual person for the most part--I am more emotional than anything. I'm not cruel to my husband but I do know he wants more and is always secretly afraid I'll always have a low sex drive.
But, BC is evil. And I am just exhausted with working, taking 9 credits of college classes and trying to lose these last 5 pounds. I literally work, go to class, work out, eat dinner, shower, study, pack lunch, and pass out. When i come home and shower, I put lotion on, and I am clean. The last thing I want is sex. Sex requires a shower or some cleaning up afterwards, sometimes a change of sheet. Lots of lube. Silicone lube. You need soap to clean that mess up! And i get up for work before 6am. Sorry. Not gonna happen.
Frankly, I don't WANT to make time. Sounds bad, but hear me out. I don't really enjoy sex that much (crazy, right?!?!) because about 75% of the time, it just freakin' hurts and is frustrating. Thinking about the day we have to have REGULAR sex to have a baby freaks me out. So we kinda avoid it b/c I don't have the energy to deal with THAT aspect of it on top of the lack of time. It's no fun when the pain days outweigh the few good days.
So, I will fully admit that we have sex <5 times a month.
we go thru stages - i remember when we were barely managing once a month and thats with a full workload plus both of us going to university again plus him teaching scuba on weekends and me working most weekends - we were always tired. last year i went thru a hormonal blitz and the poor man didnt even get a chance to get thru the door before i was pouncing on him
as EJ has been so honest, now my turn. about 3 weeks ago was the worst sex for us ever - yes he was tired (hes a morning person) and it was hot (heatwave) but it went on forever and although he was all systems go it ended up with with me in tears in the end because i felt like a total failure. although the next morning everything was fine and we did have sex we havent had it since because it battered my self confidence to be honest *sigh*
This poll made me laugh because I have a friend who asks me this at least twice a year. Her hubby allots the weekend for sex and thats pretty much it. The problem with that for her I think is that it becomes too routine and she would like more spontaneity (sp?). FI and I really just depend. We both work full time, we try to make time to work out, we hae two kids, two dogs...and you just never know what life throws at you on any given day. I answered 2 or more per week because typically it is around 3-4, but there are times that I will realize a week has gone by. Its when life permits. Its totally not that we don't want to...we've also been guilty of passing out while one of us is initiating foreplay. Sad, I know. LOL
About birth control....very evil!! I stopped taking bc about Aug of last year and we started using condoms. I told FI I wanted to stop and gave him my reasons and he was very supportive. One of them was my low sex drive. It was not that I didn't want to , I just did not have the energy to actually do it. I would actually dream of us having sex! Yes, dream of my fiance, not another man! Since I got off its been much better and we've both been much happier. Ya, using condoms has its disadvantages, but I myself feel so much better and he is willing to make the sacrifice so to me it was worth it. After the wedding I am getting a book called something like "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" and see if I can feel comfortable with a more natural planning type of birth control. I really DO NOT want to go on the pill ever again!
Hmmmm...I think I am one of the only ladies who has zero sex drive issues related to birth control. I've been on it since I was 17 and I have a really healthy (and substantial) sex drive. In fact, until reading things on here, I had no idea that BC even effected your libido.
FI and I are also very busy people, and my sex drive is definitely higher than his. We get busy 2-3 times a week though. And that's with full time jobs, running, and grad school so that's not so bad I guess ;o)
Also we're using condoms now (until the wedding) and I've never used lube so sex is not that messy and we can peace out to bed afterwards.
We're a 'weekends' couple too. We go crazy on the weekends, but lemme tell you... by Friday afternoon I'm going through "does he really love me!?" freakouts every week (hahaha....) because physical touch is such a huge form of affection for me. The weeks are, shall we say, barren. We cuddle, but nothing intimate.
I would love NOT to be on BC, but it keeps the endometriosis away and I'm scared it'll come back if I start having periods again.
Hm...low sex drive on one hand....infertility on the other.
yeah. =]
(PS i actually penciled in "alone time" for us and DH was like "whaaat? you're scheduling it now?!?!" and i was like "yes, just be grateful!"
I heard there was a poll last year that said about 75% of women have some sexual issue and 75% don't think it's a problem (the numbers are a little fudged but that was the basic idea)
I really relate to you ejs4y8
I have a feeling that more people have less sex than people realize
For sure, spraguebride.
I've met with a specialist and my obgyn and brought it up to both--they BOTH said it is EXTREMELY common and not to really worry about it until it takes a toll beyond what it is now. Like some sort of emotional neglect/damage on one of our parts.
Mine used to be pretty low, lower than what I wanted it to be. I would only really want it about once a month but a while back I read a story that totally changed it for me.
A reporter was interviewing this happily married couple and asks what their secret is. He says, "she never says no." The reporter is shocked and turns to the wife asking her if that's true. She smiled and said, "He knows when to not ask."
I thought that was genius so I tried it and it definitely helped. What worked even better though was telling myself that not only was I just not going to say no, but I would be more willingly receptive. And Ho. Ly. Crap has it worked! We went from sex maybe once or twice a week (and I wasn't loving even that much) to (sorry for the TMI) everyday this week. And twice on Tuesday. And I initiated some of them. A really tell tale sign though? I'm not even sore which is definitely a new thing for me. So for me it was totally mental. Once I changed the way I was looking at sex it totally increased my drive.
A couple disclaimers why this worked for me but may not work for a lot of people:
I don't orgasm so there's no pressure for me to "perform" or to feel like I have a something to accomplish. I have an IUD so I don't have any synthetic hormones to decrease my drive because they most certainly do. And there was another reason I thought of but I forgot what it was... Oh well.
This probably won't help most people but maybe if it helps even one it will be worth having totally exposed myself to the internets. :-)
Pregnancy has killed my libido. It's like someone just went and dumped a bucket of ice water all over it... I'd say we do it now about once every 10-14 days. The juices just aren't flowing the way they used to and since we're really not doing it very often I feel like a virgin when we finally do. I've never had any problems in the intimacy department before so it's a little distressing. I keep reading about how pregnany is supposed to turn you into a total horn ball... but that just doesn't seem to be the case with me.
@ ejs - It's great that you are honest - You inspire us to be honest as well! ;)
We avg about twice a week, sometimes once but usually twice, but like a lot of ladies have said, it's usually on the weekends.
@ daydream - you said:
"by Friday afternoon I'm going through "does he really love me!?" freakouts every week"
That is funny cuz sometimes I think the same way! I mean, we cuddle and stuff, and I already KNOW that during the week we're both usually just tired or not in the mood, but still lol.
SIDE NOTE: I do not take BC pills, but my SD isn't very high anyways... I took paxil YEARS ago, and I remember at that point it did affect me in that area, and I stopped taking it because of that.. Now, I don't know what the deal is, all I know is I'm not nearly as excited at the idea of it as I was when I was oh, about 20. Age, maybe? I hope it comes back! LOL.
We average about twice a week but it had been about a week and a half before he went on his trip...I was on my period for a week and he ended up working a 70 hour work week the week after...but let me tell you...the night before he traveled....WOW. made up for those two weeks and then some! and now I miss him like crazy and cant wait for when he gets back for our next session!
Mrs Cheese wrote a post a while back and she called it "twister"
I really like one of the points she made: Sometimes you don't want to do something...but when you do, you feel better. She used the example of going to the gym. You don't want to go....but once you do, and are done...you feel better and are glad you went
She used this in the example of why she should learn to not say "no" as often. That she tells herself that she will be happier if she does
I really liked the examples she used...it really hit home
Haha they should just call birth control the abstinence pill. I don't know why they don't distribute it freely in high schools---once girls get on it, they won't even THINK about sex!
(Just kidding. I'm not advocating distribution of BC in schools nor is this any sort of debate about BC advocacy.)
Mrs. Cheese' great post about "Twister"
http://www.weddingbee.com/2009/02/05/this-elephants-wearing-lingerie/
I've tried to say "yes' more often, but it usually ends up bad for me! I'd imagine if my only factor was JUST sex drive, that'd be one thing. But I have no problem saying yes when he busts out the BOB, lol.
That reminds me--there was an article where a couple vowed to have sex every day for a month. She said it was really eye-opening, brought her and her husband closer together, all that good stuff.
While I get that, I hate the idea of forcing myself to have sex with DH, which is kinda how it feels
BC is terrible on my sex drive for sure! I've been on it so long that I honestly can't remember what it feels like to really want it. We still have sex probably 2-4 times a week, but I am hardly ever in the mood. After we get started, though, I always enjoy it, so I try to remember that when I just really want to shoot him down. And we almost never go more than 5 days without it, or my husband turns into a grump! I feel guilty that I don't initiate more (or ever).
Hmm...without providing too much information (but I really wanted to post here!) I've had no problem with BC and would suggest if you are having a problem you speak with your doctor…they can provide different prescriptions and alternative BC if it’s a big problem.
I totally believe in the "no no's" policy.
It helps that I don't have physical issues, but a while back my friend explained how important it is to be receptive to your partner (she went to a marriage conference). My relationship with my SO is good because I feel comfortable and supported. If he suddenly started rejecting me, it would be hard not to be resentful. So for us, unless it’s ridiculously late or some other predetermined reason for not going at it, he’s probably going to get lucky. Let's just say, he usually makes it worth my time.
@GreenBee
You are a lucky girl :-)
Sadly alot of us are not as lucky when it comes to meds. BC and AntiDepressiants can have a HUGE affect on many people's desire.
@ejs4y8 It's kinda a hard call. You don't have to "fake it" but at the same time...if we wait until we are in the mood...then we would NEVER do it. haha So many it's about finding a balance. Like a few other people have mentioned...there is a point where it can become neglectful towards your partner. At what point to I put my needs aside to meet the needs of my partner?
I think there needs to be a balance between meeting your own needs and not feeling forced into things that you are not in the mood for....and also realizing that we are a partnership and we need to consider our SO needs. It's a really tough balance, I know.
This leads me back to: Can they please make a little blue pill for woman?! haha Some of us have problems that can't be fixed...or are on meds that we can't get off. I would love it if all those men scientists would devote some engery to US women! :-)
I also think it is interensting to note the trend I am seeing in "what's normal"
When looking at the numbers it looks like approx:
HALF are "playing twister" a few times a week
HALF are "playing twister" 2-4 times a month
I find this REALLY intersting. I think that many people...especailly newlyweds feel like we should be doing it all the time. I mean...isn't that what they tell us being in love is all about?! HA! Not true!
Look....only 5% are busy bees every day
and 4% are doing it once a month or less
I think it's really interesting to see what a huge amount are on the "once a week or less" schedule.
me and my bf are pretty often but like alot of people have said my stupid birth control really kills the sex drive!!!!! I'm on the shot and my dr told me thats one of the worst birth controls to be on considering it almost kills all of your sex drive, but we make it through and even if i'm not feeling like having sex i still want to make my partner happy.
If my DH could have it his way, he would play twister morning and night (seriously, he has said this on many occasions). So for me, that means a lot of "not tonights." BC is a definite lebido killer for me. But so is pregnancy. Which is disappointing because you would think the fear of getting pregnant would put a damper on the twister playing, but it's actually a turn on for us! Now that I am, well, I can't get MORE pregnant, right? I don't know it's weird.
We get crazy about 3 times a week. My boyfriend wants it all the tiem, morning before work, night before bed, while i'm asleep. That boy never gets enough....
When I was on BC (the ring) I didn't have any problems with a low sex drive. FI and I were just so excited to not have to use condoms that it was one or more times a day. My problem was that combined with homesickness I got really depressed on it and cried at least once a day. Usually we're about once a week or so, but lately we've been stressed/busy and haven't for probably 1.5 weeks now.
One of the reasons I ditched my birth control!!! Made me crazy and not wanting sex?! Who wants to be engaged to that? haha
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Eeek! I said it!
Do you ever wonder what's normal? I know I do
This is a really personal subject...so I am choosing to post this as a poll. Thus people can awnser and no one knows who said what. :-)