Post # 1
ok I have been boiling on the inside and it has now evolved into resentment. I love my husband, but this issue is so overblown in my head I sometimes feel that I dont love him like I used to and I question my decision of marrying him. When we were first discussing rules for marriage and I asked him how he felt about having friends from the opposite gender (I have plenty of guy friends) he had said he doesnt thinnk its appropriate and he would cut off ties, which I thought was not practical, but I do believe that talking to someone from the opposite gender on a regular basis is not healthy for a marriage so I was ok with distancing myself somewhat. Anyway a month before we had our religious ceremony (we still dont live together) I grew suspicisious one time because he wasnt being honest with me about talking to a girl…said “they” instead of “she” I called him out on it immediately. Anyway, so this friend of his he would to talk to on chat on a regular basis, and i got a little jealous. We are in a long distance relationship (and married now) so its hard to feel emotionally close at times, and its hard to trust as well. But I started feeling like he had feelings for this girl just because he was always the one to initiate conversations with her and he’d always ask her when shes gonna tie the knot and tease her for being single? One time I expressed my feelings about him talking to her often, and it was obvious that I was jealous. I guess he’s one of those guys who rather than stopping whats hurting you will merely start to HIDE it. so instead of not talking to her as often he just stopped telling me and started deleting his chats (I have his password and he knows that but he thought he was deleting those chats before I saw them) I think even when they’d meet up he wouldnt tell me. Recently he added her to our dropbox folder (dropbox keeps a history of actions you take) and he didnt bother telling me. Im just really hurt because I feel that there is another woman in his life and he’s not putting 100% into the relationship while I feel that Ive made so many sacrifices. I have a hard time expressing what bothers me in a relationship, but I made an effort and I emailed him, this is part of the email “I also wish we were more honest with each other. I think when I do let you know what bothers me I articulate it in a way that makes you evasive. I probably bitch, you start withdrawing, you tell me less about your feelings, opinions, your life, your activities, and that makes me feel less close to you.” Anyway, he didnt reply to my email, which again, left me feeling a little hurt. I think a big part of this is that I feel a little neglected. I know he understood the email because the other day hes like btw she called me and blablah and Im gonna go drop someting off to her today. I am positive he isnt cheating, but still I am extremely resentful. I think a part of it is this fear of being cheated on. My parents had/have a loving and healthy relationship, so I dont understand this fear. And in all my past relationships, I was the one to walk out. well except for my first highschool sweetheart who “emotionally” cheated on me. How do you feel about your beau talking to other ladies?
Post # 3
I’ve honestly never understood girls not wanting their guys to have girl friends. I only have a few male friends but if FH had a problem with that I’d be a little upset.
FH works with a lot of girls who have also become his friends. There are 3 girls in his office that he has gone to dinner with as a group, happy hour, and on one occasion even a movie. If he started acting shady or neglecting me I think I’d have a problem with it but to me those girls are the same as guys. They aren’t attracted to each other, they don’t do anything inappropriate and I trust my FH 100%
In your situation I’d be more concerned about why you are feeling so insecure. Is it that you know he’s lying? Thats what I’d have an issue with.
Post # 4
My best friend is a guy, my FI also has close female friends. He usually catches up with them on the phone every few weeks or so.. I really have no problem with him talkin to female friends regularly.
Post # 5
Ok, I voted that he can’t have girlfriends only because he doesn’t have any, and I think it would be super weird if he just started making them after we got married. PS: He has no female coworkers
Post # 6
I’m typically fine with it, because it never crosses any boundaries or makes me feel uncomfortable. FH used to be a cop and from time to time will talk with his old partner who is a woman- but she and I have met and occasionally talk to each other as well because she has a daughter right around our daughter’s age. There are one or two old classmates from law school he’ll talk to, and a couple old coworkers here and there but it’s never anything weird, you know? But if it ever got to the point where there were many online chats and he was clearly hiding stuff from me, regardless of who he was talking to, I’d be mad. You don’t deceive your spouse; if you think they’re being irrational, you talk to them about it and calm them down and reassure them- you don’t LIE, that just makes them MORE irrational.
In this particular situation, I wouldn’t be happy. It’s one thing to talk to female friends on the up and up if your spouse is cool with it; it’s another to resort to lying and trickery.
Post # 7
I can’t vote. It’s one thing to talk to friends of the opposite sex, its another thing to lie and sneak around about it.
Post # 8
I’m confused by the poll. My husband has many female friends, as I have many male friends, and we both talk to them every single day. Is talking really the problem? Talking to your friends is fine–lying about it would be weird. I think that’s the issue–if all of a sudden my husband or I started hiding that we were talking to our opposite sex friends, or choosing to talk to them instead of talking to each other, that would be problematic. However, just talking to your friends in the normal course of, you know, being FRIENDS with them is not at all objectionable.
Post # 9
If you’re SURE he’s not cheating, then I guess I would say that you have nothing to worry about. Not at this point, anyways.
But what bothers me is that he didn’t sit down and talk to you about your email. After such a pouring out of your heart, if I were a guy, I would want to talk to my lady as soon as possible to reassure her that she’s my #1. And as a woman (which i am), I would be really sad that my man didn’t want to talk to me about it. It is, however, a really touchy subject and I guess if I was a quiet type of guy, I might be too scared to talk about it.
Perhaps you should sit him down. He clearly doesn’t think your feelings are BS because he’s trying to make it better by telling you what he’s up to lately. But y’all should sit down and REALLY discuss so that you never have this misunderstanding again. You made your feelings clear in the email, but talking with him will ensure that he interpreted your feelings the way you wanted them to be interpreted. It is SO common for men to misunderstand their women. Like….really common. I want to stress it more but I’m afraid I’ll insult someone. 😛 So to avoid any future heartbreak, make sure y’all are on the same wavelength!
Post # 10
Do I care if he has girlfriends? No.
Would I care if he’s lying about having girlfriends? Yes.
Post # 11
And I would care if (especially in a long distance) I felt that girl was getting more of his time and attention then me (more phone calls, chats, etc.).
Post # 12
Having a girl friend is not the same thing as sneaking around or blowing you off to hang out with a girl.
DH has girl friends, I have guy friends, and neither of us have any reason to feel threatened by that. I actually think it’s healthy to have friends of the opposite sex in your life, and I consider it a good sign when a guy has girl pals. It demonstrates that the guy is capable of viewing and respecting women as people rather than seeing our entire gender as a stereotype, or as potential booty.
I don’t know what’s up with your FI, or what kind of trust issues you have in your relationsihp, but having opposite-sex friends is not the problem. If your FI is not trustworthy, he’s going to find ways to sneak around whether or not you allow him to have girl friends.
Post # 13
I personally do not mind my FI to have female friends. Especially if he has been friends with them long before I came along. I do feel that there is a certain level of respect for ones marriage to limit the interaction to an appropiate level. I do not know what would be considered too much interaction because that would vary from person to person but it looks like based on this certain girl that you would prefer for it to stop completly. How much, if at all, would you want him to contact her? What is your level of comfort? Is it just this one girl or do you want him to stop talking with all females?
As far as checking his emails, that really needs to stop. There is a reason they have passwords, because they are private and personal. So he gave you the password, doesn’t mean you should use it. I am a firm believer in “seek and you shall find”. I’m not saying you should just believe in everything thing that he says but since you haven’t actually had a detailed conversation with him regarding the issue than he is just going to continue to hide things just he doesn’t have to hear you bitch. Obviously distance is an issue, but if I were you I would pick up the phone and talk everything out. Sending emails isn’t really going to get your point across. And, whatever you do, do not give him an ultimatum. That will only cause him to resent you and make it hide it more. There needs to be some level of compromise. I get that it can be hard to trust, but you need to choose to allow yourself to trust him. Trust and communication is everything.
Post # 14
I guess it depends on how they talk etc. I admit its annoying at times here and there, but I trust him overall.
Post # 15
Ohhh, can I sympathize. My FI and I have fought about this and it’s been a major issue with us more than once. (okay, so I’m still insecure after 8 years and his daughter, so sue me :P) It wasn’t so much the talking, but what was being said and my 6th (ok, more like 12th) sense about the female in question. I still have days I question him, but since I love him and want to be together for the rest of our lives, I try to lock the green-eyed monster away. Really. I do try. It just doesn’t like being locked up… >.>
Here’s my take: if he’s lying and resorting to hiding and trickery, it doesn’t cut it for me. I also don’t understand why you aren’t living together (that would make me question HIM more than anything, but I’m sure you have a good reason behind it.). You two need to sit and talk it out. If that doesn’t help, go to counceling. If he’s not willing, I’d suggest re-evaluating your relationship, but that’s just me.
Good luck, and sorry you’re having to deal with this.
p.s. for the record, he has A LOT of beautiful female friends who I don’t mind him talking to. I’ve also got lots of guy friends who I talk to and I’ve not only recieved flirty comments, but so has he and it doesn’t bother either of us. Usually. It’s the intent from the other person and what’s being said that gets to me (and to him, too).
Post # 16
I think if HE told you that he felt it was inappropriate for YOU to have friends of the opposite sex then he too should be abiding by those ‘guidelines.’ Double standards do not work, nor are they FAIR or EQUAL.
However, were it my partner, I would not mind as long as he could prioritize, and he feels the same–many of my closest friends are male, but do I choose hanging out with them over spending time with my partner or preevious obligations? No.
If my partner expressed a concern, jealousy or lack of confidence in my fidelity I would be bending over backwards to correct the situation and try and find a compromise that works.
(I din’t bother voting, as none of the options really applied).