Post # 1
I was just wondering because it seems like most of the bees here talked with their FI’s about getting engaged/married extensively before he actually proposed. I was just wanting to know how common that was with all of you? and what was your experience like?
For my FI and I, we hardly talked about it at all. The reason for this was because we both knew it was going to happen, and we (HE mainly) wanted it to be a huge surprise when he did, and he figured it was nearly impossible for me to be completely surprised if we talked about it often. So, before we got engaged, we didn’t look at rings together, we didnt talk about our future together (such as where WE would live, or what WE would do), instead we talked about our futures individually (what I wanted to do after graduation, and such) I personally am SO glad we did it this way, because I was BLOWN AWAY when he proposed. I had no clue, and it was SO amazing to know that he made the decision all on his own without me pushing at all. PLUS, it gave us time to really think about we wanted individually and not just as a couple. I feel like he now knows what I want for myself out of life and not just the things I want out of our marriage.
SO, what I am saying is that obviously everyone is different, but was anyone else here in the same boat I was in? and for everyone who did get to talk about it before, what was your experience like? and how did you hint/bring it up?
BTW this really has no useful application for me, I just find it interesting to hear everyones stories 🙂
Post # 3
I’m in the same boat as you mostly. FI and I did not utter the words “wedding” or “marriage” before he proposed. The only thing I ever said was a few weeks before he asked me. I said ‘I want to be with you forever”. I’m SOOO glad we didn’t discuss getting married and being engaged first, just because like you, I was BLOWN AWAY and that was the best part. Knowing it’s coming I think might just be stressful! I’m very happy with the way it happened for us.
Post # 4
i think that it is super sweet that he wanted everyting to be a surprise for you.
My FI and I discussed marriage and engagement about 9 months before his purposal. we even went ring shopping..many times. my ring was a total surprise though; but he is not too sneaky. but he really tried bless his heart.
his phone rang one night and he was talking all discrete and said i can run by tomorrow. when he got off i was like are you going to a friends tomorrow ( we lived together already) night? he was like no i just gotta run an eran and i just knew exactly what it was. also, this was 1 week before our trip to florida.so i figured he would do it in florida.
so we were at our house in florida and i touched his legg and felt the big ring box in his shorts cargo pocket! i jumped up and said what is that! he was like nothing. he asked me the next day.
he was really sweet and it was totally romantic and i was not expecting it at that time or anything.
he did a wonderful job just not very sneaky but he really really tried to be. he is so cute…
anyway…so i kind of do wish that it would have been a big surprise (always greener on the other side..hehe).
what am i saying? it was perfect 🙂
Post # 5
I think the majority of women who are here didn’t bring it up extensively, if at all. LOL… I think even those of is on the waiting side don’t really talk to our SOs as much as we chat it out on the board. It seems that the older the woman is, the more that marriage is talked about. For instance I’m 29, weddings are my business (literally) so of course we’ve spoken about it. I have NO idea when he’ll propose nor what the ring will look like even though I hope it’ll have a halo setting lol! We did however and do talk about our futures together because well we have a life we’ve built together now. And I honestly don’t think of my future without him in it with me. We’re a team, a unit and one day will be husband and wife. When, lol I have no idea, wish I did, what type of ring (dunno that either). How, Lol dunno that either, I have several wonderful weddings planned in my head :D….
When you say getting married, do you mean the wedding etc, or the life after the wedding?
Post # 6
Well, we didn’t talk about anything really. I mean obviously we imagined our lives together and planned for things accordingly we just didnt share our ideas til we were engaged 🙂 but we definitely didnt talk anything about a wedding. that was like a no-go zone for us lol.. but for the couples who live together already, or are a bit older than me (I am 21 right now, 22 at the wedding) I totally understand talking before the proposal. I feel like that would be a natural progression in that situation, but I guess because we are both in school (well I am in school, he just graduated TODAY! YAY!) it was much easier to not go there.
But its definitely fun to hear everyones stories. I am glad we did it the way we did, but I also didn’t have much “waiting” time. I figured he wouldnt even think about proposing until after he graduated so I thought I would start “waiting” then, but he did it so early and caught me off guard! I don’t know what I would’ve done had I actually had to wait for the ring lol..
Post # 7
My FI and I had discussed marriage at about 6 months of dating. We continued to talk about it hypothetically until we decided we definitely wanted to be married to each other at about the 1 year mark but we weren’t financially ready to get married (both working only part time and going to school full time). So we put it on the back burner. That didn’t stop us from talking about marriage and our wedding though. We actually had a lot of it planned before he officially asked me at about 3 years of dating. For me, the engagement was still a surprise, and a wonderful occasion. I don’t think I’d want to be completely blown away by an engagement though, I wouldn’t want to feel like he was making the decision without me because getting married is a big step that *I* feel should be made together.
Not trying to bash the OP or anything, just my feelings on the subject. 🙂
Post # 8
We actually talked about it a lot before. And we mutually decided that we should get married after I graduate (undergrad)…No real proposal, but I am okay with that. I feel like it was right for us to discuss it a lot before deciding to take the next step.
Post # 9
My FI and I talked about it a lot! But it was different for us we wanted to accomplish things before we got married and we did yet we were together while accomplishing things by the time he had proposed we had been living together for 4 years, owned a house together and had made many career and life decisions together. We had joint finances before he even started saving for my ring and so when he did start saving for my ring I knew about it and we decided on our wedding date and booked some vendors before the official proposal. It was more of a decision that we made together that this was the right time in our lives to get married.
The proposal itself was still a surprise as he threw me off and I didn’t think it was happening until later in the fall.
Post # 10
Well, I definitely wouldnt say it was HIS idea and I had no say in it. We both knew this was what we wanted so it wasnt necessary that we talk about it. I guess we are a bit old fashioned, but thats our relationship and I’m very happy with it that way. He will be the leader of our household both financially and spiritually, I guess thats just how we like it 🙂 SO, it only made sense that he take the lead. I totally understand the idea of talking about it because it is a big decision, but thats also why we waited for 2 years before getting engaged.
I feel like when you hit a certain age (marrying age I guess you could all it) and you meet THE person and you both can just feel it. I think that is talking enough and in that situation shouldn’t you expect that it is inevitable no matter what. Kind of like I KNOW I am going to marry this man, so whats the rush in talking about the future. I know it will be there when we get ready to talk about it, I know its taken care of and it will be great. So, thats why we waited. It was important to the FI that he totally surprise me and I know that he thought long and hard about it on his own without me influencing him. Because when you REALLY get down to it, isn’t it always us girls thinking about before it even crossing our guys minds? well, because a lot of times thats how it goes, I MADE myself keep my mouth shut about future talks. I knew what I wanted and I wanted him to be ready on his own also.
I think I am rambling trying to say what I mean lol.. But I TOTALLY see both sides, they both make perfect sense, but I have a friend who bugs her BF about getting engaged ALL the time and it just seems liek she pushes him further from it every time she mentions it. SO, who knows I guess its different for everyone?
Post # 11
were not married but we talk about getting married and talk about our future together frequently, we know were going to be together. were just two crazy kids in love haha.
Post # 12
we were together for 3 and a half years when we got engaged, and I’d say that from the 2.5 year point on, it was a fairly regular conversation (lots of our friends started getting engaged/married/pregnant and I was reeeeeeaally ready to make that step as well). Basically every major (or minor) holiday/time he looked at me funny I thought it was coming 🙂
Post # 13
the funny thing with me and FH is that i had a talk with himmonths before he proposed that i pretty much didnt care if i EVER got married – i was happy in life as it was, and if marriage happened or didnt i would be okay either way since i was happy. little did i know that he had already bought the ring! it was a total surprise when he proposed. i really truly was floored. did i mention how perfect he is for me????
Post # 14
@lns: i’m pretty sure that M would have appreciated if it was entirely his idea. However we are much older than you and your fi… M is 33 and as i stated previously i’m 29. Trust me when I say at my age if it was important to know that the guy that I am involved with wanted marriage because I did. it’s hilarious because when we first started dating I didn’t even want to be married well not until i was 31 or so. then hurricane gustav happened and i realized i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. i told him and probably pushed until february or so of this year, i believe and then things changed and i just stopped talking about it…
he bought it up in june and we have loosely been discussing it ever since… i really think it depends on the couple and the relationship. M is definitely the leader of my house. However we are partners and we discuss everything with each other. He’s my best friend so of course I like talking to him about my future and marriage, etc. I think he now understands that I am just excited lol and that I’m nervous and scared and happy because this is the only time in my life that I will get to experience this and I get to experience it with my soulmate. This man carries my heart with him wherever he is and I am blessed and lucky to say that I carry his with me. I don’t think that has caused him to think I’m pushing him or anything like that. I think he knows i’m just a control freak and he has told me time and time again this is one thing i will have no control over. so i have NO IDEA when anything will happen lol!! or what the ring will look like….
As far as your friend, have her visit the waiting section, she may definitely be able to relax a bit more when she sees that there are other women in her same situation. I am sure it’s hard for her because you’re engaged and she’s ready to be married so badly.
Post # 15
@lns — I totally understand where you are coming from. I think we talked about it from the beginning simply because we knew that it was right. We are both very involved in our church, and in fact I prayed about him before I would even accept his invitation to go on our first date! So, I think from that standpoint, it just seemed natural to talk about the future since we knew we would be together.
We are actually both fairly young, and don’t live together. So I would say we mutually discussed getting married in the future. I don’t think I harped on him to propose because there were distinct reasons why early on was not the right time for us. And I knew the time would come.
Post # 16
Its so interesting to see everyones point of vieww! @crebre I am DEFINITELY going to tell her to visit the waiting section! I think she would love it! heck, I love it, I like the excitement of all the girls when they get engaged!
@manda I totally get where your coming from, I guess its a pretty similar situation. In actuality we talked about it often when we were first together because we were just SO infatuated! We couldnt wait to start our lives. it really stopped completely when it hit us how serious we actually both were about it. We were like woah! okay, its definitely happening now, lets stop talking about it. that sounds kinda weird tho huh? oh well lol…
but regardless it is definitely a partnership. getting here was a team effort, I was just completely surprised about the proposal lol. But when I say hes the leader, I guess I mean it more in a biblical sense. Not so much in a like old school dominating way. Just so no one takes that the wrong way lol..