- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
Hi bees,
I was just wondering how often others are having sex.
My FI and I have different sex drives. I'm more of a every other day type of girl, where FI is closer to once a week. I sometimes find this hard to deal with, because I get frustrated and feel like we only have sex when he feels like it, so if I want my fix then I have to be ready to be turned on when he wants sex. We are still working on figuring out what is normal and acceptable for us.
Any advice? I'd appreciate comments, but if you don't want to discuss your sex life then voting in the poll would be very helpful.
We are the same as you! But i think its because hes gained some weight (50lbs). And we are renovating the house so we go to work and then come home and work on the house for 4-5 hours. Before that we had sex everyday or every other day.
It's so different from couple to couple, the key is that you're both happy with it. There's no right amount. I really would not try to compare what other people do and instead reach some sort of compromise with your fiance.
I'm with Ribbons, comparing other people's sex lives will just make you crazy. BUT, I will offer you an alternative that has worked for us, since my FI and I have unbalanced sex drives like you guys.
He works a very demanding job, and we go through cycles. Sometimes it'll be several times a week, other times maybe once or so. We're not good at quickies, because it takes me longer than your average girl to get...ready to go.
So, we have "minutes." If we're exhausted, but craving some sort of sexual interaction, we lay in bed together, and we take turns. I have a vibrator, and then I give him oral. (It's not a burden to me, I actually like doing that for him) anyway, the whole process takes maybe 10 minutes.
Maybe you and your FI can come up with something like that? We don't use minutes to replace sex, but in addition to it on our less active weeks. It keeps both of us happy.
@Ribbons I see your point, I don't think comparing will get me anywhere, but I guess I'm hoping for others to tell me that I'm not alone and not eveyone is having porn star sex twice a day.
@QuietSerenity Your system sounds great and I'm glad you have found something that works for you two. I'm struggling to make progress with FI because he is getting the amount of sex he needs to satisfy his sex drive, so he doesn't really see a problem. When I try to explain that I feel like having sex more often, he gets very defensive.
You know, my FI did too, for awhile. I had to sit down and differentiate, and I sort of played to his ego a bit. I said "It's not that the sex I have with you isn't fantastic, it IS, but it's so good, I need more of it to be as happy as I can be." I tried hard to present it as something I needed, rather than something he was failing to give me.
Ultimately, hopefully your FI sees that it's a need of yours that he's not meeting, and be willing to work with you. There has to be a compromise, and just "whenever he wants it, then he's out" is not one.
FI and I are both so busy right now and we didn't live together before and are now both living at my parents house while we renovate our new home. Most nights I am sleeping before he even gets homes so I'd say it's more like 1-2 per week. I hope it will be a little more when we are married and are living together and spend more time together, but overall I'm pretty happy with the way things are going.
i can totally feel you! FI and i went through a similar phase. it really made me feel insecure and get emotional as well!
i agree with the PP's that you shouldn't compare it to other couples, as obviously, it's different with everyone, but i just wanted to reassure you that i have been there and totally know everything feeling you're feeling from physical to emotional to irrational! ;P
after a month or so of frustratioin building up, i sat down and talked with FI about it! i know it sounds redundant cuz that's probably the most generic advice, but it's also the most effective! if both of you can come out from behind your walls (you being upset that you should even have to say anything) and your fi (not wanting to talk about it)... you can really see how both of you feel and at least try to make an effort toward a compromise where both of you are happy! :)
we also go in cycles...normally its about 3 times a week..but sometimes its only 1-2 times a week. we make it a point to have it at least once a week. like, if we have to schedule it, we WILL (but we make it fun since its planned).
we sometimes want it at different times too...we talked about this and the one who is not it the mood will try to "get it going" if they think they "can". a lot of times this works for us (it's usually me who has to get it going, but 80% of the time, i make it happen).
Thank you blondeeebuckeye! I understand the whole 'trying to get it going'. I feel if FI wants sex, that I will do my best to get 'turned on' and he is generally good at kissing my neck etc. to help me.
BUT when I try to let him know I'm in the mood, and put on some of my 'moves' he will let me for 10 minutes or so, then when I try to take things further he pushes me away and says he isn't in the mood. And I feel so hurt and rejected. He pushes me away 95% of the time, so now I don't even try because I feel so stupid when he rejects me.
He says he doesn't mean to make me feel stupid or hurt, and that he can't help that he isn't 'in the mood'. I disagree, I think if he gave himself a chance he could get in the mood.
I find a nice pair of undies usually puts the man in the mood! We are lucky in that we are both quite well matched!
Also some saucy picture messages usually has him quite excited by the time he gets home :-)
Am i the only one who feels like the more sex we have, the more i want???
We just got back into having sex more than 2 times a week- I had my daughter in August and for some reason I had a really high sex drive the first 3 weeks after her birth- but obviously we couldn't do anything about that lol so it died down. The last three months have been really good though. My fiance will drop everything he's doing if I am like lets get it on lol It gets rough having a baby because you are both just so tired but I try to make time atleast 2-3 times a week for him
My suggestion is to do it like the first time you had sex with him, that is always fun. Recreate it, or recreate your first date. It's funny because we've gotten so use to each other for 6 years we just get it on lol but when we make it like the first it's fun because there are certain things you didn't do when you first did it- also it brings back those feelings so you really enjoy it. You can start it off by being like "Do you remember what I was wearing on the first date or say do you remember that lame line/move you shot at me to get a kiss
@roux...hmmm...i think i would feel rejected if that happened to me. one of the things we discussed was when the other person was really not in the mood, to let the other one know if we started kissing and stuff. as long as you're both open about it, there's nothing wrong with not being in the mood from time to time. sometimes, you just don't want it.
another thing we do is change up the scenary...bedroom, guestroom (haha), living room, etc. from time to time. for us, it makes us feel more "adventursome".
we have a lot of talks about sex...probably too much, but hey, it works for us! :)
I would feel really hurt by that Roux. I admit that I am the one with the lower sex drive in the relationship (blame BC and health problems). But when my husband wants to (within reason), I really try to go through the motions and do it. I end up enjoying it but I'm really not into it part of the time but if it were up to me, we probably wouldn't have much sex which I know isn't good in a relationship.
If I'm not in the mood, I will assist him in his activities. That's the best euphemism I can use :) I don't go through the motions of sex because it's just way too uncomfortable for me and makes me resent it. Maybe suggest something like that? He doesn't have to have sex-sex, but at least some intimacy?
My husband and I definitely struggle with this. I think my husband would like to have sex every single day, whereas I'm more a once a week/once every other week type (I think because of my birth control). I try to compromise with him and do it 2-3 times a week, but sometimes that's not even enough.
One of our biggest issues (I think) is that my husband would like it if I initiated the activities more often, but for me, if I'm not even the mood (and I rarely am), it's hard to initiate things when I don't even care to do them. I feel like I am compromising by just being willing to do things when he wants to, but he complains that it's not enough and that he doesn't feel wanted by me. I'm still struggling on how to deal with this issue.
I hope that you and your SO can come to a compromise that makes you both happy. I think you guys should talk and try to empathesize with each other. It's really hard to be rejected all the time, but it's also really hard to be the one doing the rejecting. It puts a lot of pressure on the person who doesn't want it all the time to perform when they're not in the mood - you know? And forcing ourselves to just do it isn't usually very fun, for either party. I hope you guys can figure out a compromise that pleases you both!
Dang who voted once or twice a day! 
I would like to have more sex (I voted once or twice a week), but I'm not working a 9-5 right now, the FI is, and when I stay over his place...let's just say he's late to work a few times during the week while I'm there. I believe once we live together it will most likely be every other day.
Since we're all sharing personal info here....
We are normall 2-3 times a week, primarly on weekends, but last weekend I told my husband that I had a challenge for him...sex everyday for a week. So far so good! Our drives are fairly evenly matched, but often one of us will want it more than the other. Right after we got married I wanted intimate time a lot, now it's more him, but this 7 day challenge is working out well for both of us!
We are 5-6 times a week on average, so I can't vote :) Most days we will but most weeks there is 1 or 2 days when it doesn't happen bc we're just tired! Sometimes on a weekend if we put some time aside in the afternoon for "naked fun" it will be twice a day. The more you have, the more you want (like Doritos). We've been together 7 years and although we have definitely slowed down compared to the first couple of years, I love that we still can't keep our hands off each other. I would be hurt getting the reaction you are from your FH, especially if he is so defensive about it. Could there be something affecting his drive or is this the way he has always been? I'm also surprised you can pull "the moves" on him for 10 minutes and he's still not in the mood? I can be not in the mood but if DH invests 5 or 10 minutes of his time, he will change my mind :) And I find it's like going to the gym - you might not want to at first but once you're there you enjoy yourself and afterwards you feel awesome. Just sounds like there is something else going on besides uneven drives for your FH. Does he masturbate/watch porn/do other things to satisfy himself? Lots more talking and being gentle with each other to get to the bottom of this I think :)
I would say to make sure that you are very careful, and gentle in your conversations. We aren't evenly matched and I know how incredibly painful it can be to reject someone that you love.
The feelings are so complicated. I want to give him what he needs, but sometimes I just can't get into it enough to enjoy it and I don't think it's something I should do if it's not enjoyable. Like ribbons said, I would resent it.
It is hard to know when to stop too, or I'll try to let him get me in the mood and for whatever reason I just can't. We have had a lot of conversations about this part of it specifically because I don't want to lead him on, but I don't want to give up or cut off all physical contact either.
Chances are, he has a lot of feelings and emotions tied up in this too. My guess is that it may be harder for him because he's supposed to "be a man" so talking about it may challenge his sense of manhood. I know that may sound silly, but I think that despite our best efforts, many of us internalize socities messages about who we should be.
Mine was more than once a day. Look Been there done that as far as going without enough. This is my second time, sex is free, wonderful and a great stress reliever. Life is great when you have a soulmate, I do in every way.
First time my H was not a once a week person, there was little to no chemistry to begin with. I would highly advise anyone considering marriage to make sure you are sexually compatible. Trust me the longer you are married the less it happens.
I guess I'm the only "other" one, so here's my explanation.
My boyfriend of two years just started working 2 jobs, this often means we don't see each other during the week. If we do see each other, it is only in passing or at 3am when he gets home.
That being said, we have sex about as often as we can. Usually this now means about 3-4 times a week. Often twice a day on his days off. We both have rather high sex drives and are extremely physically attracted to each other.
Prior to him working two jobs we averaged more in the once a day category, and when he has time off (like today when we spent the majority of the day in bed) that is still pretty accurate.
I've always wondered if this is a lot compared to other couples. I appreciate that it works for us, but I've been in other relationships where by two years, sex wasn't a priority like it is in this one. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great, I'm not complaining. I'm just concerned about what will happen if his drive (or mine) changes (he's swears his won't).
One more thing, I am normally the one to initiate it, but I think that is because I am more outgoing about sex. He almost always drops what he is doing or watching on tv when I do start something though. And when he is the one that starts things it just turns me on even more. Also, if either one of us just aren't in the mood, we are always sure to help the other one.
@Quietserenity - We do something similar to that too, I think we just enjoy something a little different some time. Theres something to be said for just enjoying touching your partner and not having intercourse.
@Miss Sydney - I agree about the more I have sex, the more I want it.
I'd say 3-4 times per week... and that is a lot considering he is gone most of the time!
@Adira - You are so the story of my life.
I'm not sure if it is the LoSeasonique birth control or stress from work or his weight gain or what. I just generally have zero drive at all - and would rather just sleep.
I'm thinking maybe it is the BC, because the last two times I've been on the placebo week that I am supposed to be bleeding (but weirdly don't, so maybe it is not the right hormone levels for me) I was all over that jonx. That week is coming up next week so we'll see what happens then in terms of sex drive...
He is always happy to please me too, but crappy part is I don't even want it now, I just feel blah. Which can't be right.
I am in the same situation. Glad to see its more common :) I am a everyday kind of girl while he is a once every 2 weeks (maybe) kind of guy and it sucks! He says he is just tired from work but STILL! LOL. DAMN MEN
MY FI and I have different sex drives too.
He is in upper management and works 12-14 hour days. So when he gets home and is exhausted, his sex drive is GONE.
HOwever, I am definitely an every day kind of girl. I would rather have sex than sleep, eat, play.... :)
We compromise and do it probably 4-5 times a week.
Some weeks I get it every day, but that's a rarity. :) We just have so much chemistry, how can I resist?
hey just throwning this out there.... i have a friend who did this when they couldnt give on the same...pattern, drive.... they implemented a "special" certain night of the week... kinda like...hey if we have sex the other days of the week,great, but every wed is date night, no matter what, lets make a pact... and she did it in a fun flirty kind of way so he didnt feel like it was an obligation, instead like a date kinda... or heck saturday night....make it into a whole evening maybe.... then maybe you u guys will sync up a lil more...get on the same groove/pattern... ya know
oh, i forgot my answer..... 3-4 times a week...well, when he is not overseas :( boohoo
@teamajax13 I did try to bring up the idea of a 'date night', but FI works long hours and often at night, so we can't have a certain day of the week. It is a good idea for the future though when we both start working regular hours.
To be honest, this whole sex thing has been getting me down lately. We haven't had sex for over 2 weeks. We have talked about it, but he says he just isn't a very sexual person. I don't really know where to go from here, I don't want this incompatability to be a problem, but I don't know how to avoid it.
wednesday is the hump day in more ways than one! i agree with teamajax's idea. then if it happens on another day, it's a bonus. some might say it's not the same because it's not spontaneous, but it's actually really nice to know that on that day no matter what, we're both making sure to put everything else aside and focus only on each other. life can be hectic in the midst of working and planning a wedding. after being together for years, i love having at least one night a week where it's all about us and only us. :)
What about weekends/mornings? I work at 7am and DH works at noon or so, so we have very different schedules. Weekend mornings usually work out for us. But during the week? Hell no. I'm in bed by 10pm and he's usually just getting home. It's kinda hit and miss when you work different schedules, i get that. But nobody wants to feel rejected
I'm sorry it's getting you down, though, Roux. We've gone 2 week stints before but I know if DH brought it up to me, and I was aware it bothered him, we'd find a way to make it work and find a solution even if it's only one sided. We probably do more other stuff than sex, though.
well... again, just spit balling, but what if u tell himhow important it is to you... like that you like to feel the connection you get when sex happens... and maybe he can meet in the middle...well maybe at least commit to once a week. because honeslty some people just arent sexual and dont let it get you down one bit, cause ya have to think its hard to imagine someone who is opposite of you and what is in their mind ( i mean on this topic,opposite)so he prob just hasnt put hisself in your shoes yet. for example... you cant get why he is like this... he prob feels the same.... you both need to put yourselves in the others shoes...then talk about it. for instance.... ill use a couple i know as an example on a diff topic.... he loved video games when they got together...she hates them, and hates him playing them... thing is she was only seeing one side.... so maybe if you talk to him, and just explain to him that you do understand where he is coming from.... and ask him to consider where you are coming from as well.... and that you see it as an important part of the connection to the relationship. maybe he hasnt yet considered that??? and tell him anything else,too, that you seek in sex...maybe feeling sexy or wanted... or whatever you feel,tell him
I chose other, because FI and I are LD right now, but whenever we are together, it's at least 1-2 times a day.. The fact that we are in a LD relationship could play into that, but we were that way before he left too, we both just have high sex drives.. We're a good match in that way, among a lot of other ways :)
I had sort of the same problem in a previous relationship though, the guy I was with was like a "once every other month" kind of guy, and that didn't really sit well with me, and I tried to fix it, but nothing would work.. So I can completely understand where you're coming from.. I don't really know what to advise, because it seems like you've tried a lot already (talking to him, date night, etc.), but maybe switching it up? Or surprising him when he comes home one night by greeting him wearing something sexy (if you two live together)? I don't know how your discussions have gone, but maybe if you sit him down, explain where you're coming from and how it makes you feel, and try to reach some sort of compromise like other bees have suggested? I'm sorry I can't be of more help, but I can completely understand how you're feeling..
I agree with Ribbons - we were on a once a week schedule for awhile until we figured out what worked for us. The issue was that by the time we would have sex, it was so late in the evening we were both exhausted. I typically initiate or try to sometime in the evening so that I know we will both be up for it. It also makes it more fun and less rushed. ALSO, the more I wanted it and he didn't, the more frustrated and self-conscious he got which led to LESS sex. It just took us time to figure out what was comfortable for us.
For us it really depends - SO has a job where he travels a lot for work and so sometimes we will go a week or so without seeing each other, if you leave that out tho - I'd say it's usually about 4 or 5 times a week, because there's days where it's more than once and then other days we might in the morning and at night or (usualy hectic week days) not at all the entire week but a lot on the weekend.
I voted for once a day because it evens out to about that. We have sex 2xs a day quite often... like when we wake up and then when we go to bed. But then there is that week out of the month... which is not completely idea for doing it ;), so we TRY to refrain.
im glad someone posted this....
weve been together almost 2 yrs and and were just starting to go through having sex a lot less lately our work hours arent synced and in the beginning i wanted it every night and hes always tired now its the opposite...
im finding it hard to get in the mood and then when i think im ready for it hell make a crack like "oh thats right when IS the last tiem we had sex" its annoying but im sure he thinks its a him thing dontcha wish there was female Viagra haha
Not at all right now...he is deployed
. But when he is home at least 3 times a week.
We're in a LDR so when we do see each other it's 1-3 times a day, but we can go for a month without seeing each other.
It'll be interesting to see what the frequency will be when we're living together!
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| Lyndzo | 33 |
| Ms. Salamander | 23 |
| beargoose | 21 |
| his chippymunk | 20 |
| mypinkshoes | 18 |
| rebwana | 18 |
| LammChop | 17 |
| fivemonthsnotice | 17 |
| kat2014 | 15 |
| s.renea9 | 15 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| LittleAmanda | 2 |
| MsPanda | 1 |
| vreelans | 1 |
| Sarahbear | 1 |
| bulletbee | 1 |
| bonkeyball3 | 1 |
| londonchick | 1 |
