Post # 1
So I was just wondering on average how many wedding things does your MOH attend? i.e. dress shopping, looking at invitation templates, checking out the venue etc.
I just asked my soon to be MOH to come check out our venue with me to get ideas/inspiration for my wedding/bridal shower (both will be held at the same venue) and although she did have a somewhat good excuse I felt that she could have still been back in time to come with me. She offered to come with me next time but still I can’t help but feel a little slighted.
To complicate matters further, she doesn’t know she will be my MOH. She already knows/suspects that she’s going to be a bridesmaid because we’ve promised that to eachother since we were little girls but I think she may be caught a bit off gaurd when I choose her as my MOH. Anyways, I’m kind of disappointed that she can’t make it. So, I guess my question is should I be expected to feel disappointed all the time? Maybe things will change once she’s settled down and out of her busy season (she’s a teacher so right now its hectic for her and I get that) or should I just expect to not have my MOH attend everything and anything under the sun. I’m pretty laid back but I just thought she would want to come to this…maybe I’m asking too much?!
Post # 3
To be honest, it never even occured to me to have my MOH (and I have 2!) to check out venues with me – just my fiance and me. And I think it’s few and far between to find people that would enjoy & willing check out templates for someone else’s wedding!!! I didn’t even want to do it for my own! In my opinion you may be asking a bit much
That said, you have whatever expectations you have. All you can do is talk to her about it and see where the 2 of you agree and what she’s willing and able to help out with. I personally expected basically nothing. My 2 MOH (my bff & my sister) helped with nothing, went shopping for nothing, planned nothing. They bought their dress, and I was happy as a clam. Now as long as they show up in 2 wks for the ceremony I’ll give them each a gold star=)
Post # 4
I think you might be disappointed a lot. My MOH didn’t go to my venue with me or to pick out any of my vendors. That’s what my then FI (now husband) is for. It’s our wedding, and no one will ever be as excited about your own wedding as you will be. My MOH also got married 2 weeks before me, so we did share a lot of our vendor information, but we hardly went to things together. If you’re expecting her to be there for all of that, you might want to let her know as I wouldn’t expect that being a MOH in anyone’s wedding.
Post # 5
I guess I might be asking too much. Just to clarify, I’ve already picked my venue. I just wanted to bring her to the venue when a shower is taking place so we can have a vision of how we should set up and have a vision for bridal shower. I guess that is asking too much? So realistically what should I expect my MOH to do.
I am a very laid back bride (although I guess this post may suggest otherwise) and I guess I didn’t expect anythign at first but now that I’m getting all caught up in the hype and especially b/c I haven’t picked my bridal party yet I’m trying to get a grasp on my bridal party even though I don’t officially have one yet.
Post # 6
I’m going to echo what the previous two posters said: No one will ever be as excited about your wedding as you and your partner are. And that’s OK. That’s actually how it should be. If you’re at the point where you’re making definite wedding plans, then it may be time to pick your bridal party. Make sure to clearly communicate your expectations. Bridesmaids duties range from simply standing next to you during the ceremony to buying a dress/helping with diy projects/ hosting showers and parties/etc. Personally, I will probably only ask my maids to help with day-of duties.
Post # 7
Since you haven’t told her she’s MOH, how can you expect anything of her? Of course she won’t be thinking about your bridal shower yet if she doesn’t know you will ask her to be MOH and plan one!
Also, how do you know where your bridal shower will be if you haven’t picked BMs yet? I think if you expect them to eventually plan it, maybe you should leave it up to them. Depending on their budgets and the amount of planning they want to do, they might want to choose another venue.
When you do ask her to be MOH, I wouldn’t expect her to help plan the wedding (especially stuff like looking at invite templates). I would talk to her about what you both think the role entails and come to a general understanding so neither of you is disappointed.
Regarding getting caught up in the hype – some girls have super-involved MOHs or BMs because their friend happens to be interested in weddings, party planning, or arts and crafts. Most of us aren’t in that situation, so no need to stress 🙂
Post # 8
My MOH is completely MIA. She lives in another state and I understand her not being able to come to any events. But I was the MOH in her wedding and I flew out a week before her wedding to make sure I could attend her Bachelorette and Bridal shower and Rehearsal. I havent spoken to her since wedding in November. She was so rude and such a bridezilla, I was completely disrespected at her wedding. I even had to be DD the entire week I was there bcause I dont drink and she wanted to get wasted.
She never thanked me for flying out early, missing a weeks worth of work, missing 2 finals for school, paying for plane ticket, all my meals while I was out there, all her gifts (bridal shower, lingerie party, wedding gift) and she didnt even want to take me to the air port the day after the wedding, she had her mom do it.
She called me for the first time since November last week asking me when the Save the Dates were coming out and how much it would cost. I was so mad. STD’s went out months ago and everyone but her received theres. Even my brother who is in Afghan got his. I told her I didnt have any more, so I had to email her the information and travel arrangements. I havent spoken to her since.
Post # 9
@Girlwithring….in my culture its actually tradition for the MOB and possibly MOG to throw the bride’s shower. MOH’s and bridesmaids aren’t suppose to financially contribute to the shower (I know very different from the American way of doing things but that’s just how its been) MOH and bridesmaids are there for moral support and pre-preperation stuff like helping put together the games and prizes that go along with it, sealing thank you envelopes and of course attending the shower.
Also, I should mention our bridal showers are huge …around 100 people!
Post # 10
My MOH has been pretty awesome. She looked at dresses with me and spent a whole day driving to my semi-destination location to meet with florists and bakers and to see the sites.
However, I completely worked around her schedule on these things, and have asked her to do very little else. My suggestion is that if you want help with planning and making decisions, you both need to work together to schedule things. She’ll appreciate it and she’ll be much more likely to attend if you schedule together.
And pay for lunch/dinner when you do wedding things. It will show how appreciative you are, and make these outings more fun.
Post # 11
I think you might be expecting a lot, considering she doesn’t know yet. My MOH is my sister and I haven’t even asked her to do those things with me. The way I see it, maid of honor =/= wedding planner. Her job is to wear a dress, show up on time, and smile when she walks down the aisle in front of me. Anything else she wants or offers to do is a bonus.
Besides, if she is going to throw you a shower, she gets to decide/envision how it will look. That’s the fun part!
Post # 12
@mermaid 1082… as I mentioned before in my culture the MOH does not host the shower. Yes, I do however understand yours and everyone elses general point. I guess I am expecting too much and maybe I should just ask her already… fiance and I are still trying to decide on our bridal party because our relationships are continually changing with people that as soon as we’ve picked our final party members something happens to screw it up! i.e. people breaking up, thinking of someone new that could be a better support etc.
Post # 13
The duties of a MOH, in the absence of prior agreement, are to show up on the day, wear what you tell her to, and be generally supportive. They do not include anything before the day: shower, bachelorette, dress shopping, venue visiting, etc.
If you want more than that, you can discuss it with your prospective MOH when you ask her. However, that does mean that you have to be prepared for her to say that she does not have the time/money to do what you want her to do, and therefore to decline being your MOH.
And please do not invite anyone to be your MOH if your desire for her to serve is going to depend on changing relationships, etc. Your MOH should be someone that you have a long-standing and stable relationship with. If you pick someone who does not fall into that category, you will end up with drama in your wedding party.
Post # 14
@2dbride… I DO NOT expect my MOH or bridesmaids to serve me. All my original question asked… is how involved should I expect my MOH to be…that is all
Post # 15
I can completely relate! the girls in my wedding party are very dear to me, but i was somewhat surprised to see they had little interest in doing things that i thought would be fun to do together. i don’t think its anything personal, i have just come to realize that its true, not many people care about your day as much as you and your fiance do!
Post # 16
Well I’ll just agree with the others. If it helps, I would say think about when you want to ask the BP. If you want to wait, that’s fine. But until you ask the BP, don’t expect anyone to offer to help with stuff, or necessarily ask about stuff.
If I was a friend and was unsure if I’d be in someone’s wedding party, I would maybe ask about the wedding once or twice. But I’d purposely try to be zen about it, because I wouldn’t want to make things awkward by talking about it, if she wasn’t planning on asking me.
And I don’t think 2dbride was saying the MOH was “serving you”. I think she was refering to the act of “serving as MOH”.