Post # 1
My FI’s family lives about 7 hours away from us. He moved to my city because in his line of work it is easy to work from anywhere.
We visit his family on birthdays, holidays and sometimes just for fun. It comes to about once a month if not more. It costs about $100 each time because we drive. It can get exhausting.
I asked him if we will be doing this forever and he said that most likely yes because his family is important to him and it would hurt him to miss their birthdays and such.
So bees, am I wrong to want to cut it down? How often is too often?
Post # 3
7 hours is a pretty long drive to do all the time. maybe cut it down to just once a month, and then go from there. you definitely don’t want fi to feel you’re making him choose you over his family. or maybe he could go alone every once in awhile?
be sure to think out your reasons though. is it just because it’s a pain to do all the time, or is cost an issue too? could his family come to you sometimes?
Post # 4
We live about 12 hours from my husband’s family, and about 22 hours from mine. So we’re lucky to see them twice a year. If I could see my family every day, I would–I miss them! However, I think that a seven hour drive once a month or more is a lot. Can’t they come visit you? You’re spending a lot of money and time and I imagine it’s taking a toll on your lives and your relationship. There comes a point when you have to become more independent–I think it’s that time for your FI.
Post # 5
I think it just depends on what works for you. Personally, I’d be okay with once a month, especially if he’s close to his family (and it sounds like he is), but that’s just me. You could always invite them to come to you for holidays, or maybe get them to celebrate birthdays together (like, all of the january/february birthdays at once).
Post # 6
We see my FI’s family A LOT! They only live about 3 hours away, though. We used to go every other weekend, but have cut it down to once a month. It’s exhausting driving up there and I don’t have any where to stay. (I have to sleep on the floor!)
Driving 7 hours once a month might be too often… Maybe every other month sounds good! If they ask, just say that finances are tight because of the wedding and you’re now spending your weekends doing wedding related activities. If they miss you, they should come more often to visit.
Post # 7
Do you have to go with him on each trip? I am in your FI’s boat. I recently moved 5 hours away from my family/friends (before, I lived 18 hours away). In the 12 months since I have been living here, I’d say I visit home about once a month. I love that I am so much closer now and can go home for a weekend. But FI does not go with me each time. He comes with me ~75% of the time. I think if he came with me every single time he would get annoyed too. But I would be really bummed if he said to me to “cut it down.” Just my 2 cents.
Post # 8
@kitzy: It’s a mixture of a lot of things. It’s stressful to get off work and drive for 7 hours with a child in the car. It’s money on gas that could be spent on other things. I definetly dont want him to feel like he is choosing between his family and me, but i also don’t think it would be end of the world if he missed his brother’s birthday one year. And his family does come once or twice a year too.
Post # 9
I love my family to death but 7hr drive once a month…eh, I doubt I’d do it. Honestly speaking.
Post # 10
My DH family is 7 hours from us as well. Before he met me he went at least once a month if not more, not because he couldn’t be without them but they couldn’t be without him and he couldn never say no to them. His family expected him to come home for everything, they needed somethign fixed, they asked him to come home. It was his birthday they expected him to come home. The first 3 months of us dating, we went there 3 times! I wasn’t pleased about it, he had been living far away from his family for 10 years and in those 10 years, they only came a handful of times, maybe 3 times. I didn’t say anything, but as we grew more serious and committed to each other and started to create our life together, the trips there died down a bit. We would go every 4 months or so, and his family had a HUGE issue with it. They were invited to come many times but didn’t. My DH then realized how messed up it was to drive 14 hours in a matter of a day and half when we have our life to live and own responsiblies, we bought a house, got a dog, things change and you can’t just jump in the car and drive that distance.
We now go to his hometown twice a year, and we hope that his family will come up twice a year. That is how it’s got to be. I have no problem finding a meeting spot and meeting for the weekend at a 3.5 hour mark or something but to do that drive is a lot on both of you , and when you have kids a lot of that is going to change.
Post # 11
I thought having a kid was an automatic excuse not to attend every single family function!!! Seriously though, that is too much. I think maybe once every 2-3 months would be reasonable, so you still see them pretty often but it isn’t such a drain on your time and $.
I live in NYC and I have family in both Philly and Baltimore and I probably see them about once every 2-3 months. I have other relatives in NY though, so they can also set the bar a little high as to how often the trip is made.. most of them are retired though and I work full time and can’t just pick up and drive down on a Thursday morning and stay the whole weekend..
Post # 12
Sweetie, I truly believe the most difficult thing in marriage is the in-laws. Changing to focus from your own families to your spouse is hard. It takes time. It’s not easy.
That is WAAAAAYYY too often!
I totally feel you. I am so glad my husband’s family is a 5 hour plane ride away. As it was, we saw them 9 times last year (the year we were married). I really like his siblings, but his parents leave much to be desired (if I never saw them again, it wouldn’t be soon enough).
My thoughts for you would be to comment about the expense of the trips. Even if your parents are paying 100% for the wedding, you will still have to pay for the rings and the honeymoon, which can be very pricey. Also, how often do you see your parents? If you are always with them, then you can’t say much.
My final thought is to comment about how stressful wedding planning is. It sucks. You need time to yourselves. When planning really stresses you out, you need to take time for your own relationship. In the end, by saying “I Do” you are literally saying that you are putting your spouse above all others. This MUST happen for yoru marriage to work. This also means that if these frequent trips are putting a damper on your relationship, they need to be made more seldom.
I hope this helps.
Post # 13
I would like to add that coming from my sister’s experiences with their inlaws, you have to set the precedence and boundaries early on so that you don’t get taken advantage of or begin to resent later on.
Obviously compromise is important. I do think that is a long trip each month for just birthdays or more minor events. Big ones yes, but every little event? I couldn’t quite do it personally. I’d end up telling him I may need to sit a few of them out once in awhile.
My thoughts are this: when you get married, your commitment and new family is primarily to your spouse and the extended family (his/my parents and siblings) are now just that: extended. It’s not a selfish thing, it’s just where the priorities need to be sometimes. Once you have kids, that becomes your own little family even more and you can’t be going every month 14hr round trip with kiddos.