- 3 years ago
- Wedding: June 2013
I just have to let this out ladies.
I’m 5’10” and a few pounds short of 200. The least I’ve ever been was 155 (size 12 jeans), and at that point you could count my ribs. So, suffice to say that I am currently about 35-40 pounds overweight. However, being tall and having a wide chest (affects of asthma, not boobage- sad face) make me look like a giant to everyone around me.
I am currently trying to lose weight. Over the past few months I have been eating much healthier, drinking less and exercising a little more. I certainly can be doing better but I want this to be a longterm shift, a change in my life. So I’ve made progress, but it’s going slowly. I’m happy about this. I can wait, I know I’m getting healthier from the inside out.
However, it seems like so much attention is directed as how I look. If I keep losing weight, I can get back to what I looked like 8 years ago. I will look “so much better”. And I know these women (friends and family) aren’t trying to be mean, but I really friggin wish that they would focus less on how I look and more on health. I have a weird ass body shape, I had it when I was ultra thin too. The pictures anyone sees are the best pictures of me. So all I can ever think about when they say this is, “yea, they think I’ll look better until it happens- and then they’re still going to think my body as grotesque.”
Part of me, the part that is really pushing my resolve to lose weight right now, is to just get everyone to stop focusing on it. Spiteful like “Okay, I’ve lost the weight. You cannot say a damn thing about my body now. You’re not allowed”
I’m not content with where I am right now, and I don’t feel like I should be. I can, and should, be a lot healthier and use my body a lot more. I also know I can look better. But… I also hate feeling like everyone around me believes that I should also dislike my body- or at least barely tolerate it until I get rid of the ugly. It’s 40 pounds, it’s not going to come off in a month, or even three. Is the suggestion that I loathe it until it looks better, or perfect?
Is this how the majority of people think? I realize I’m being sensitive too, but it’s not completely unfounded. There is a general tone that is pushing this idea.