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My dad gave us a figure that he and my stepmom could contribute to our wedding next october. I am grateful for anything, but i was honestly expecting more than the amount they gave us. When looking realistically at our budget, the amount they gave us will probably cover about 42% of the wedding. My fiance's parents also graciously contributed, which will probably pay for about 16% of the wedding. So really, fi and i are going to have to save A LOT. And by those figures, I am counting on a 12k wedding, which isn't a lot at all. I already feel bad b/c my fiance has had to pay for all of the deposits, except for reception deposit. (The money my dad gave us covers the reception minimum, but does not included tax/service charge, which tacks on an add'l 2-3k).
However, my stepmom has recently gotten a job so now my dad and her will be having 2 incomes instead of 1. At first, i didn't want to say anything to my dad b/c they have young kids at home (3 kids under the age of 10) and my dad was paying for everying.
Is it too soon to ask my dad to help ($2k or $3k more)? That would at least cover the reception cost...
You really shouldn't be asking your dad to pitch in any more than he is. If you are unable to afford the wedding between just yourself and fiance, then tone it down to as low as you can or postpone it until you two can save up enough yourselves.
It might also create ill feelings between your dad, stepmom and you if you are hoping to get more money than what is being offered. They do have kids to take care of. And even though you are their child too, they are not obligated to finance your wedding the way you want. You will have to meet them and come down to their level of help and not the other way around. 
I agree with @Sasha...the fact that they're contributing less then what you expected and now your stepmom has had to get a job should clue you in that they aren't exactly rollin' in the dough.
I agree with pp, you shouldn't ask your dad to give more than what he has offered.
I agree with pp... though it sucks that its not what you expected (I thought the same thing with my parents, I felt the contributed more to my sisters wedding), you cant ask your dad for more. He contributed what he could. We were kind of in the same position, and our choices were work within the confines of the budget that our parents set for us with what they contributed or plan the wedding we want and come up with the rest. We chose to come up with the rest because we have enough money set aside to do so... But if you cant you cant... unfortunately it is what it is... and times are tough for everyone.
Yep, I agree with others, I wouldn't bring it up.
Wait for them to make the offer, it sounds like they are doing what they can and want you to have a great wedding; so I'm sure if they determine they can give you more, they will. If they don't offer, that prob means they can't afford to do so.
I agree with @sasha2011. I wouldn't ask for more money. Your father could have already been scrimping and saving to give you the amount he did and even with the second income, may not be able to give you any more. Maybe you could change some of your plans or scale back a bit to trim off the 2-3k you need to come up with. You could also try talking to your dad about your plans in a casual way and say something like 'Well, really love Venue A but it's just out of our budget so we may have to go with Venue B.' He may realize you're struggling and offer more money with out you having to go through the guilt of asking.
i agree, don't bring it up. if he offers more on his own and unsolicited, that will be very generous, but it's really not your place to be asking for more money when your stepmom just got a job and they have young kids. if your stepmom has been out of work for awhile, they probably haven't been able to put much, if anything, into savings, which they really need for their kids!
I know everyone in the world pictures their wedding a certain way...and they want this and that....but with that all aside, its really about the idea and the union!!
You want more money which is fine as an act of nature (so did I!!) , but the fact of the matter is...you can have a great reception/wedding with the money you have. So you will have to cut out a few of the things you wanted, but thats ok. If the important people are there at the wedding, they wont care what is there-- i promise, they are probably just happy they are there for you and FH.
I would try to negotiate with vendors and reception hall--- tell them you have hit a financial bump and see if they can help work something out with you, but as the other bees suggested, I wouldnt ask dad either.
I agree with PP - don't ask for more money. You may not know about all of your dad's financial obligations, so even with your stepmom's job, money may still be tight. There is always the option to push the wedding back - FI and I had to do this when we actually realized how much everything cost. If you mention to your parents and FIL's that you are considered a later wedding date to give you time to save more money, maybe someone will offer you more $$ (but don't ask for it and don't expect it).
I guess it comes down to what is more important, your wedding budget or your relationship with your dad. 42 percent is generous(IMO). I wish you luck on your big day!
I also say don't ask for more money. I'm a firm believer in the adage that if you are adult enough to marry you are adult enough to do it without someone else paying for it. The idea that the bride's family pays for a wedding is antiquated. In this day and age if you can't afford what you want to do then you'll just need to scale it back. Good luck!
Also, if they have young kids than they have college funds to think about which is far more important than a wedding, you know?
So you and your FI only need about $5,000 to cover the rest of the wedding? THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS. You are blessed and should be grateful.
I first want to clarify that I am not greedy and my stepmom did not get a job just to help for for the wedding. I can't explain my whole family situation to you so really I should have never posted this thread.
All of you that responded, are you all paying for your own weddings?
I am in a very similar situation. My father had originally given us a number, and told me that it was flexible. Later, after he talked with my stepmother, he took it back and gave me a smaller number and told me it was firm.
I was very upset that I felt like my stepmother was completely in control of their finances, and (as selfish as it sounds) I kept thinking that if my parents were still together this whole thing would be a different story.
With that being said, I didn't ask my father for more money. I did however let him know along the way when we were struggling to pay for something, or when we needed to make cuts because of $$. The funny part is I found that they had high expectations for my wedding and ended up offering to pay for a few things above and beyond in order for the wedding to go the way they thought it "should".
None of us can really tell you how to handle this situation, because you're right, ultimately it is your family. And only you know what will work for you.
I say if you really want to talk to your father about it, then talk to him. You just have to tread lightly and keep an open mind on the outcome. Let him know what your concerns are about paying for the wedding, but I would avoid bringing up your step-moms new job.
-I just saw your other question My dad- 40%, my mom- 20% FI parents-20%, us 20%
It sounds like your question isn't really "should I ask my dad for more money" but rather "WHEN would it be appropriate to ask for more money?" I would say that since you have almost a year to go, I would try and save up as much as you can and see where you are in a few months/in the spring before broaching the topic with him.
I'm sorry, I have to agree also. Especially if your dad and step mom have 3 kids under 10 to take care of, and it's definately not a cheap task to raise children, I dont think it's fair to ask for more money. He is already covering nearly 50% and I feel that is very generous as it is. Maybe there are place you can cut out some cost to get it down. Or you can pick up some side jobs if you really need the extra.
FI and I are planning to pay for the entire wedding. My mom bought my dress (only $250) because she was with me and offered, but I would not have asked her to or has the thought even crossed my mind to ask my parents for any money. If you're old enough to take care of yourself and get married and starting your own life, I think you're too old to be asking for money unless youre life and/or well being depended on it.
Since you had asked, my exhubby and I paid for our wedding years ago and my bf and I will be paying for ours when we do it.
Every situation is different, but since I'm an adult I would feel weird asking my parents to pay for my special day. I mean, I don't ask them for rent money or to buy me a car, either but I realize that some girls don't feel this way and want/expect someone else to pay. I'm not saying that it's right or wrong for anyone else. It's wrong for me.
I'm just saying if someone told you 'I'm generously going to give you a pile of money in x amount" I don't think saying 'hmmm, I want more, or well I expected more or even well, I noticed that my stepmom just got a new job so I'd like more' is the best response. Just my opinion and I thought that was what you were asking for.
@cherrycoke:I am paying for my wedding, yes!
I don't know how old you are, and not to be rude but IMO, if mommy and daddy need to pay more than they have graciously offered to contribute to you for your wedding, then you need to step back and rethink your priorities.
I can't even really fathom what you would spend that much money on. You need to make a list of what is necessary and what is extra. You might have to give up some of the extras. And no one will know that they have been given up except for you.
$12K is a crazy lot of money to me. And I live and just had a wedding in MA where prices are high. $12K is a lot more than my wedding cost last week. And we had a full banquet buffet w/ 3 entrees, an open bar, gorgeous hall, perfect décor, fabulous centerpieces and I loved my dress. Everything was perfect.
I caught a glance at the receipt for the banquet hall (my parents paid, even though H & I planned to all along) and the total for the :
Room rental for 5 hours
3 entrée buffet (sirloin, stuffed lemon chicken and fettucine alfredo + numerous salads, sides, breads 5 kids meals and 1 vegan meal)
3 hors de oevres during cocktail hour (beef & chicken skewers + a cheese a fruit plate)
Open bar of beer, wine and sodas
Cake cutting service
Ice cream (they added to a cake we had brought in)
All table linens
for 70 people
was approx $3095.
It was at a facility hall called the Castle that is literally a castle (looks like one on the outside & inside)… not some cheesy or bland looking hall.
My dress was $550. I loved it a lot.
We made our centerpieces. H is an artist. He did them. They were awesome.
We donated to charity in lieu of favors because, IMO anyway, favors are silly and there are a lot of kids with cancer who could really use the money more. Some of our guests thanked us for doing this.
We had friends do our DJ work and photos. Our photos came out better than the pro ones some of my friends had paid $4K for. We got compliments on our music all night.
Our friends brother DJ'd off my music collection (20,000+ tracks on iTunes + hubbys bands PA system + college kid willing to work for a Game Stop gift card = win)
3 of our friends are semi pro photographers. From what I have seen so far, our photos are perfect and more in focus and in some cases more artsy than other people's photos who had pros.
Your parents are being incredibly generous. Instead of asking them for more money, either find a way to do it yourself or let it go.
Ok bees.... maybe I am just freaking out b/c I don't really know how much things really cost.
This is what I have so far:
$5350 for food/reception (the minimum we spend is $5350 and then the venue is free), BUT there is sales tax of 7% plus service charge of 22% so that adds on a hefty penny....$6901.50
$995 for photographer (7 hours coverage plus edited photos and print money)
$635 for DJ (although, we may have a friend do this for free)
$967 dress (already paid for), so it depends what alterations will be
I have NO idea what flowers, cake, centerpieces, decor, hair/make up, etc will cost.....
@TowerofTerror:Love your breakdown...i too am having a budget friendly wedding and am thrilled. It is a small event(underr 100 people) so we are having the ceremony/reception in the same room in an old train depot. All the dresses(including mine) are totaling $800, Tuxes,$200, Bar and food $1800, Venue $1100, photography...FREE(I have a friend who is a photog), music$65(the cost of renting speakers for our i pod), rental/centerpieces$100, cupcakes..Free as a gift. it can be done! I too feel 12k is a lot, but i am older and have 5 kids to think about!
@cherrycoke - I have to agree with the other posters...I would not ask your dad for more money. Even if he can afford more, he is already being generous. Parents are not obligated to help with wedding costs, and whatever he gives is out of love, not duty.
I know that my dad could give more, but he does not like to see tens of thousands of dollars used for one party. So we took what he gave with heartfelt thanks. We're going to end up paying for about 1/2 the wedding costs.
We are having a budget wedding ourselves. That being said, it is at a country club with an open bar. We are saving money on the expendibles...decorations, flowers, make-up, hair....
We are going to go to the flower market a few days before the wedding and make the bouquets and boutinneries with floral tape and ribbon. The ceterpieces are going to be picture frames (which I'm looking for at thrift stores) with votives and bud vases of flowers (again, picking up at thrift stores). We are not decorating the club, as it is already pretty.
I'm going to do my own makeup - I manage to do just fine every day! What I'm going to do is go to MAC before the wedding and buy a lipstick and eye-liner to dress myself up, and have them show me how to apply it.
The bridesmaids are doing their own hair. I can't afford to have theirs all done. I'm going to practice with mine, and depending on how it goes...I may or may not splurge on this.
Check the grocery stores for cake. A lot of them can make very beautiful wedding cakes for a fraction of the costs (flowers also). Or...don't have a cake. The last two weddings we went to only about six people watched the cake cutting - seriously. Cake is included in our meal plan, so we were going to skip it altogether until my grandparents offered to pay for it.
This was long - but my point is that things can be done very nicely on a budget, and really nobody will be able to tell the difference.
If I were in your shoes I wouldn't ask my dad for a penny more. He doesn't have to contribute anything in the first place because it simply isn't his wedding. Anything he is giving you is a gift and it should simply be appreciated. Just plan a wedding you can afford based on whatever your finances are and that's it. My in-laws are well off, but they didn't contribute to our wedding and we didn't ask or even consider asking them to. They could have easily paid for our whole event, but it's just something I felt like was our responsiblity.
Okay so your dad offered you 5k and your FI's parents offered you 2k and you want to have a 12k wedding... which means you need to save 5k, yes?
If I were you I would absolutely not ask for a penny more from anyone. IMO wedding are solely the responsibility of those getting married. If people want to offer to help you, that is FANTASTIC and you should be super grateful. Putting aside for a moment the fact that it was nice of your dad to offer at all to help because he didn't have to... asking him to contribute about another 50% of what he already offered you really seems to be overstepping. Clearly he has his own stuff going on. Kids in the house, other expenses, etc.
I think you should seriously consider reducing your budget (check out the Bees blogs... Mrs. Bunny for example had an amazing wedding on 5k!) or postponing until you and your FI can save the 5k yourselves.
I think you can ask. It's just important to ask tactfully, make it clear that it will not damage your relationship if he says no, and accept the verdict with grace. I posted on here ages ago about whether or not I should ask my dad to pitch in with my wedding. Everyone told me not to. I asked anyway. And you know what? He said yes. And him pitching in made him feel more involved, and got my mom off my back (they're divorced) about him inviting some of his friends. It wasn't that much, but it was really helpful and we were able to have a nicer, more inclusive event because of it. If I hadn't asked, I wouldn't have gotten it.
I do like what someone suggested above, which is see how you fare with your current budget/saving and then revisit it later. If it turns out you won't need it, then great.
@cherrycoke, I totally understand that its really overwhelming to think about the costs and what the total adds up to, but the doesn't mean asking your father for more. Unless he has said "i'll pay for everything for the reception", and he didnt consider the taxes and such, I dont think you should ask him for more. Even if he said that, depending on his financial situation, unless he's just got boat loads of money hanging around, I don't think its really right to ask or to put any kind of financial strain on him. It seems like you've got a good handle on what the numbers come out to, so hopefully you'll find some wiggle room in some different areas. There's definately a budget diy and still awesome way to do centerpieces and flowers, and make up. I've gotten some great ideas from the treads and info posted on the bee. Good luck!
I wouldn't ask for anymore money. My parent are contributing 7K, FI's are putting in 3K, and our wedding is costing about 12K, plus our honeymoon is 3K. That means we have to come up with 5K to contribute.
If my parents of FILs had offered less, we would either come up with the extra money, or scale back. I don't think it's fair to ask for more money :(
I see what you are saying, but I would only ask them for more if there is something specific that you want in the future that is just slightly out of reach. Like I wouldn't ask for the $ in general, but if your dream venue required you to save up like $2 or $3K more than you were able to, then I'd think about asking them.
I'm sorry but I think it's generous that they are helping at all. And at 42% that is EXTREMELY generous.
I think it would seem ungrateful to ask for more.
I think the fact that they were willing to contribute while living on only one income is already so extremely generous of them!
With what both sets of parents are already contributing you two only have to pay for less than half. That's pretty good!
And FYI since you asked, my husband's family offered to contribute X amount. Same as they did for his two older brothers. We refused profusely many times but at the end I felt it would be more hurtful to them to not accept the money.
My mom was extremely generous in what she contributed. More than she ever should have. And again we insisted and refused profusely many times. At the end my mom and both my brothers gave us very generous wedding gifts during the tea ceremony because they knew it's the only way we would have accepted it.
I won't deny that we needed the help. But would never have asked for it if they did not offer. And tried very hard to refuse the crazy amounts my family wanted to help us.
@cherrycoke: Looking at your breakdown so far, I would say that you have done pretty well with keeping the costs manageable. There are lots of great ways to save $$ on the remaining items, and it sounds like $12K is perfectly reasonable given what's left on your list.
As for asking your father, there's no absolute right or wrong answer. It all depends on your relationship with him, and what you know of his situation. So I will just suggest that you ask yourself a few question:
1 - Is he in a precarious financial position? Does he struggle with paying bills or saving for his children's expenses? Is he in debt? If so, don't ask.
2 - If you ask, will he feel obligated to give even if he can't/doesn't want to? If there's a chance he will feel too guilty or ashamed to say no, even if it's not advisable for him to do it, don't ask.
3 - If you ask, will he be angry and/or resentful that you're trying to get more money out of him? Do you risk harming your relationship in any way? If so, don't ask.
4 - If you ask and he says no, will you hold it against him? If so, don't ask. It's not worth it.
On the other hand, if you have a solid, healthy, open relationship with your dad, and you are 100% confident that both of you will be fine no matter how he answers, then there's really no harm in asking. I would just do it very graciously and make it very easy for him to decline just in case (i.e., "it's not a big deal if you can't and I don't want you to do it if you're not comfortable...").
I would say to wait to ask for more money until have all the specifics ironed out. Make a budget that you can work with now, and then if you have specific needs closer to the wedding, maybe ask then.
I'd say that knowing the specific areas where you could use more money, would make it easier to approach the topic.
I am only paying for bits and pieces of the wedding (probably only $2000 total), but I clear everything with my parents before I decide on a vendor or sign a contract, just to be sure they know where their money is going and they can decide when they want to add more money or not (for instance, I got rid of the dancefloor because it seemed like a waste of $600 and it kept the reception budget better in line, when my parents found out they told me to add it back it and not worry about the additional cost).
My fiance and I discussed things during our run at lunch... we are going to plan around what we have rec'd from our parents, and then account for the rest ourselves. Honestly, people are making it sound like I'm ungrateful but you don't know all the details, nor did I explain very well what my dad's situation is. He actually came out and asked me if we wanted them to pay for certain things or give us a figure, so we decided the figure. He told us the figure but said he would let us know if they can contribute more... but he left it open eneded, so we are going to get a better idea of what things cost, when it comes down to it, we may just mention how much we are spending on what, and not actually come out and ASK for more, but see if they offer. I would be totally comfortable if they said $5k is the max they can contribute, I'm not going to throw a fit or anything. I am a little more mature than that. I am not one to ask my parents for money, haven't done that once unless it was an emergency, and I would never ask if I didn't think he would consider it. They are in no way struggling to save money, and there is no way he would say yes b/c he would "feel bad". I have a pretty good relationship with my dad and no hurt feelings would occur if that is all they can afford.
Sounds like you have a good plan in place. I agree that you have to make this decision on your own but my advice would be to try to save as much as you can, cut the budget back where you can, and then if you really think there is something you can't live without then go to your dad for.
A big thing for my parents was not feeling like I was ungrateful for the money. They wanted to make sure my FI and I appreciated the monetary gift and also worked hard to contribute to our wedding. My parents could have contributed more but that was where we left off comfortably.
@cherrycoke: sounds like a really good decision. My dad has helped me out with things over the years, school exp, car down payments, medical bill ($3,000 a year is my current amount.) etc.... He seems to enjoy helping me out when I am responsible and know the details on the expenses. So, again, I think it is very smart to share with him what you are spending. If he can and wants to give more then he will because he wants to but it is good to know that even without it you will still have a wonderful wedding.
42% is a good chunk of money! My fiance and I are both 22, he's in law school, and I'm working as a nurse and together we're contributing a little under half of our wedding. Our parents are each contributing about 25% ($4,000). If we can contribute 50% on one income then you and your FI definitely can!!! Just dig into those pockets and you'll come up with the money. Also, use sites like Etsy to find things for your wedding or try weddingpaperdivas.com for your invitations. This can help save some money!
MTE. Some things usually have to be paid for --- venue, food, drinks & attire. Everything else, IMO is expendable can be either cut completely or done for way less than what I routinely see girls paying for it.
Here is my brutally honest list of things I consider a mega waste of money at weddings.
Limos etc. -- Seriously, usually $1000 or more and pretty much no one is going to see it except the wedding party. I was driven to my venue in my FIL's wicked 1980's Free Bird van. No lie. It was wicked comfy. Huge and I got to sit on a couch haha. They drove me up to the kitchen of the venue so I could sneak in that way to avoid being seen. I toyed with the idea of renting an old timey hearse for my Hallowedding but really, the cost was crazy and NO ONE would have seen it.
Centerpieces -- Your average kindergarten student can tie ribbons around bud vased or candleholders and these will do just fine. Why anyone would pay a 3rd party vendor to do this is beyond me. My husband is an artist so he ended up making all of ours by wrapping silk black roses around small candle holders and tied them together with skull & crossbone ribbons. Add a fake tealight and voila! Perfect centerpieces which came from the dollar store and looked professional.
Photographers -- I appreciate what you all do. Don't get me wrong. I edit photos for people all the time so I get what goes into it and the time and money etc. so don't give me any lectures --- it sometimes takes me an hour of scrutinizing my own work to make one photo look exactly how I want... I get it. HOWEVER, one of my BFFs paid over $3000 to a photographer and she hated all her photos. The photographer missed a few relatives she really wanted pics with. Most of the shots look fake and posed and the candids just look messy. Seriously, my 3 year old cousin took better pics with the disposables we had at our table. Another friend paid around $2500 + whatever the prints cost and said she liked my pics better. We had 3 semi pro photographer friends at the wedding, one who specializes in black and white, one who specializes in candids and one who does formal wedding photos for everyone he knows. 3 of our other friends who had him do their weddings and all of our photos came out perfectly lovely, seemed way more intimate and "real" than most and were free of charge. We did give him a thank you gift like we gave the BMs and GMs.
DJs -- It's not that I don't think people should get a DJ. In fact, most people probably should. Not everyone has a 20K+ song library and a professional PA system at their disposal (we did). But you don't have to get the most well known, super pricey DJ in your state. DJ requirements should be to have proper equiptment, be willing to play the songs you want, and pronounce everyone's names correctly when making announcements. Find someone just starting out who can give you a good rate. I know people who paid for experienced "pros" who screwed up so badly. My cousin's father/daughter dance started out as the wrong song, he mispronounced her name and then the cd started skipping. My DJ was my friends 19 year old brother. We paid him in Game Stop gift cards and he did a fabulous job--above and beyond what we asked him to do.
Favors -- I think favors are kind of silly. I don't recall any favor that I have ever gotten at any wedding ever and really strongly think that donating to charity is a better way to honor your guests.
Designer Attire -- I really couldn't imagine spending $3000 on a dress. My dress was gorgeous and it was $550 and I think even that was pricey.
Makeup - if you do it yourself every day, you can do it on your wedding. Do you want to look totally different? I didn't. I never wear make up so I just dabbed some light eyeshadow and eyeliner on and called it a day. I do think hair is a valid expense. Most people can't do an updo on themselves. But make up? Sure.
My main concern with my wedding was wanting my guests to have a good time. Thus most of our budget went to good food and drink and being in a unique, cozy atmosphere. My other priority was that our wedding be OUR style and not what Martha Stewart or some guy on TLC says a wedding should be. It all worked out.
So back to the OP --- do not ask for more money. Decide what your priorities are and decide if you can save for it or if it's worth it. It's funny how some things that you absolutely MUST have suddenly don't matter when you're the one footing the bill.
Wow..... "Tower of Terror" Interesting 'take' on weddings. Yes, everyone can spend what they want and many people find different things important. I hired a "third person" to do my decorating. Sorry but "a kindergarden" looking centrepiece is not what I envision at my wedding! LOL.....As well, it is a WEDDING....spending a little on makeup and feeling special for your day is important as well. Definitely don't look at it, as a 'mega waste of money'!! I'm all for budgeting, but I would have to disagree on many of your statements. To each their own, but many bees I believe have very different opinions on what to skimp on and what to splurge on. Everyone, determine what is important to you, and then decide.......don't sacrifice EVERYTHING, for a dime.....IMO.
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