How Should I Handle This, What Would You Do?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1649 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I wouldn’t invite her to the wedding. Your FI needs to realize how upset you are by her actions. I wouldn’t invite someone to my wedding who previously called me a psycho. And if FI and her haven’t talked recently there’s really no reason to invite her.

Post # 5
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Assuming your wedding date is correct, you have time to decide to invite her and time to “let her make it up to you”.

Apologises are hard, very hard, they are even harder when you are apologising for something that happened a long time ago and so you don’t really feel responsible for anymore (on her part). 

I personally would let her email stand has her finally making a move towards clearing the air and try to start with a clean slate.

Yes, she did some weird things in the past and yes, she insulted you. But she may have grown up in these past 3 years and be a valuable friend to both of you once again. 

See how these next few months go and if you still get an icky feeling when thinking of “giving into her” and inviting her, then tell your FI about the icky feeling and hope that he comes around.

Or, do it because it will make him happy and in the end, it’s not that big a deal, you most likely won’t even see her on the day. 

P.S. I DO think that the difference between “you are a psycho” and “you are being psycho” is large. It’s like saying “you are a slut” or “you are acting slutty”. One is about a person as a whole (and therefore incredibly hurtful) and the other is about the person’s actions indicating that the person speaking is unhappy with their friend’s action and not with the friend themselves as a whole. I hope that makes sense. 

Post # 6
Member
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

 

If I were you I would maintain my emotional distance from this girl. Don’t ask for an apology, and don’t make contact for any reason other than standard pleasantries. You don’t owe this girl anything and she has made it clear through her actions that she is your fiancé’s friend not yours.

Hopefully with some more time the relationship between your fiancé and this girl will peter out completely. Until then, bide your time and take the high road. This girl will eventually slip up and do something hurtful and then there will be no doubt that you are in the right.

Post # 7
Member
4540 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Royalton White Sands

You’re definitely not in the wrong. I had a friend like this before… and there’s a reason that’s past tense. However, if it’s important to your FI, it’s worth one more try… but just one! If she does something like that again, make it clear with your FI that she’s out for good.

Post # 8
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee

I would keep her at a distance as much as possible.  I feel trouble brewing if she’s allowed to come back into your life.

Post # 9
Member
3371 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

@futuremrsk18:  I applaud you for looking to compromise, but this kind of thing is a trump deal.

Your feelings at your own wedding about someone who makes you feel icky–that trumps whatever obligation or friendliess your ex feels toward her.

If you said that you and FI were going to a party and she would be there, that’s a situation where compromise is in order. But sweetie, you don’t have to do that at your wedding.

 

Post # 10
Member
7531 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

If he hasn’t had contact with X in 3 years, (and her late response to your engagement didn’t seem to be all warm & cozy friendly to either of you) I don’t know why it is sooo important to him to invite her. 

Post # 11
Member
7385 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@futuremrsk18:  I kind of agree with X. Your actions were a little on the way to psycho land. I am not saying that X handled her feeling that well either. She should have been upfront with you about how she was feeling. But you should never have demanded that he could no longer talk to her. Her birthday text was not a clear message to you, it was a message to her friend saying happy birthday.

I think you were just upset that she chose him over you in the friendship game. In life friendships end.

I personally think you need to get over this and accept that your partner has a friend that you do not particularly like/get along with. That should in no way impact upon his relationship with the person especially if that firendship means a lot to him.

My H has friends that I don’t particularly care for or want to be friends with. In the rare situation that we are all together then I put my big girl panties on and be social and civil.  

Post # 12
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I think the bigger problem is between you and your fi. He’s not standing up for you. I would give him an ultimatum on this: X hurt you really bad. But, you are open to repairing the relationship if she apologises and makes amends. You tried for 5 months to stay friends. If he wants her at the wedding, he must talk to her and get her to apologise to you. Otherwise she is not invited to your wedding. 

I do beloeve in second chances but not third or fourths or fifths. Your fi needs to realise this. 

Post # 13
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

You want to know something?  I’ve been in your position.  A friend set me up with a guy, and then she got angry that he was around all the time and she wasn’t able to have a friendship with him since he spent all his time with me.  She even said she felt bad because we were so lovey dovey all the time and her guy wasn’t.

And at the time, I hated her for it so much.  But looking back, I realized something…

SHE WAS RIGHT.  We were super lovey dovey and it was insensitive to others’ feelings.  It was NOT necessary for me to be with him every second he was in town- they totally should have been able to hang out if they wanted without needing to bring me too.  We’re a “unit,” but we’re not inseparable, and we can certainly have individual friendships with the same person.  She had every right to not invite me if she chose to.  And if I had decided to berate her for not inviting me… well, I wouldn’t have been surprised if she decided to start cutting the ties with me.  That’s just escalating an issue that isn’t even an issue.  In my opinion, that is acting a little psycho.  (I agree with @Tickles:  , there is a difference between acting psycho and being psycho.)

So while I really empathize with you- really, I do, I’ve been there, done that, bought the movie rights- I also think you need to take a deep breath and calm down.

 

ETA: And yes, I am still friends with the girl who set us up.  So is he.  We were able to move past it.  And thank God for that too- without her we never would have met.  How terrible that would have been if we had blacklisted her and were telling the story of how we met…  “Well, this one girl got us together, but we don’t talk to her anymore because she dared to invite one of us over instead of both of us.”

Post # 14
Member
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I think if your fiance wants to invite her, you should go ahead. 

I don’t see the point on “clearing the air.” What can you say? “Three years ago, you called me a psycho and didn’t hang out with me as much as I wanted to, and you were nice to me on the surface but I could tell your heart wasn’t in it?” 

That would honestly make you sound pretty crazy. Your friendship has faded, mostly because she stopped doing stuff with you, but now enough time has gone by that the original argument is unimportant. Friends use weddings to reconnect or to have reunions all the time. These reunions do not generally pan out into grand new friendships, but they are pleasant and fun for most people. Your fiance wants her there, and though you are not close now, you may as well invite her. There were lots of reasons you stopped being friends, but there were also reasons you were friends in the first place. Enough time has passed now that perhaps the original reasons for your friendship are much stronger in her mind than the reasons for your fighting. 

If she comes to your wedding, she will just be a guest, not a bridesmaid, so she will have no responsibilities that could cause conflict. 

Post # 15
Member
1887 posts
Buzzing bee

@j_jaye:  + 1 to this:

I kind of agree with X. Your actions were a little on the way to psycho land. I am not saying that X handled her feeling that well either. She should have been upfront with you about how she was feeling. But you should never have demanded that he could no longer talk to her. Her birthday text was not a clear message to you, it was a message to her friend saying happy birthday.

I think you were just upset that she chose him over you in the friendship game. In life friendships end.

I personally think you need to get over this and accept that your partner has a friend that you do not particularly like/get along with. That should in no way impact upon his relationship with the person especially if that firendship means a lot to him.

My H has friends that I don’t particularly care for or want to be friends with. In the rare situation that we are all together then I put my big girl panties on and be social and civil.  

@futuremrsk18:  This is one of those times in life when you are blessed to have the opportunity to be a bigger, better person.  Be gracious, play nice, and I am sure your fiance will appreciate how mature and classy you can be.  My guess is that making childish demands of your fiance and stewing over this won’t impress him and will only frustrate you. 

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors