Post # 1
My daughter and her boyfriend are in their early 20’s and have been dating for over two years. I know they’ve talked about their future together and being married one day. And when that day comes, her dad and I will be very excited. We love her boyfriend. They are currently still in college and I know he struggles for every single penny to pay his tuition and rent. They are both in professional programs and have 2-3 years left of college.
I have a beautiful antique platinum engagement ring that was from a family member on my mother’s side. It would need a stone and I have a few diamonds that are about 3/4 carat sized that can be used. They are diamonds that belonged to my mother. There are two small baguette diamonds on either side of the center. It’s a very classic style. And I know my daugher would LOVE the ring, especially knowing it came from a relative who was happily married for over 50 years. And that it is vintage. My jeweler said the ring could be polished to look brand new.
My question is this: how should I let him know that he is welcome to use this ring IF he wants to? Should I mention it to him now? Or should I wait and see if he comes to us to get our blessing one day and then offer it at that time IF he hasn’t bought one yet? My husband says to wait until then. I would prefer to let him know about the ring before that just so he knows he has the option. But it’s a bit awkward to me — I also don’t want to appear pushy and I don’t want him to feel like I am offering because he cannot afford one. That is not the case at all. He can’t now but one day he certainly will be able to. I would feel awful if I thought I hurt his feelings.
I’ve never mentioned this to my daughter but she does know about the ring’s existance. I know she wants him to pick out the ring and she doesn’t want to see it until he asks. 🙂 He may not even like this ring or he may prefer to buy a new ring himself. And the thought of getting engaged may be the absolute furthest thing from his mind right now.
Any suggestions? Should I somehow find a way to mention it to him soon — or just wait and see?
Post # 3
I would wait for a little while – until your daughter says they’re talking about marriage but before he asks for your blessing. At that point I’d let him know that you have the ring but it’s 100% up to him.
Post # 4
I would wait and see. It might spook him if you were to bring it up out of the blue. Alternatively you could find an excuse to show your daughter the ring, or have it out for some reason, when they are both there..and maybe if she fawns over it enough and you subtly mention you’re saving it in case someday someone wants to propose to her with it he’ll get an inkling?
Post # 6
I wouldn’t necessarily wait until he asks for your blessing. Because 1) who knows if he is even going to ask. It is not tradition anymore to ask the parents permission. So it is all based on what her boyfriend and her believe in. 2) If he is the type of person to ask for your blessing then there is a possibility that he already bought the ring.
I would just casually bring it up. Let him know that you don’t want to put any pressure on him and that you are not suggesting anything. But it will be there if he wants it.
Post # 7
I would tell your daughter that you have a family ring that you would be honored for her to wear as an e-ring/wedding set someday. Then she can let her BF know if she’s into it. Much better than approaching him about it. That way, if she changes her mind about the guy, she can let a future BF in on the deal too.
Post # 8
It really would depend on the type of guy he is, and your relationship with him, but you could always just let him know that you don’t mean to rush or pressure him, and that you aren’t expecting him to pop the question in any frame of time, but that when he is ready (be it next week or in 10 years), that you have a family engagement ring that he is welcome to use, should he wish to. If you go this route, be frank with him like you’ve been here. Make sure he knows that you know that an engagement may be the furthest thing from his mind, and that if it is, you have no intention of changing that or rushing him, but are merely offering him the information for down the road. Just in case he is ever thinking of it, and goes out to buy a ring not knowing, when he would have liked to use a family ring.
Post # 9
@the boss of you: i agree. tell your daughter, and she can tell him. she doesn’t have to see it or anything, but i think it would be really sweet to say ‘you know that your dad and i think that you and x are a great couple, and if the time comes that you would like to get engaged there is a family ring that is yours if you would like it. just something for you to discuss with x”.
i am sort of in the same boat as your daughter (SO and i are in grad school) and i know that i would be touched for our parents to think of us, and offer us that. in addition, it would be a big weight off our shoulders and might even allow us to be engaged earlier. these things might also be true of your daughter and her SO.
Post # 10
I agree with PPs who say to tell your daughter who can tell him. My FI asked for my mom’s blessing a few days before he proposed, months after the ring was purchased. So if you wait til then, it would be too late,
Post # 11
Next time he’s over or whenever you two have a moment alone, let him know that this is completely out of the blue, but that you are in possession of a family heirloom ring that you know your daughter would love very much to have as an engagment ring down the road, as you know she’d love the family history and sentimental value, and while you are not expecting anything in any time frame, thought that he may like the information just in case. 🙂
Post # 12
I would definately make this known prior to him asking for her hand as he will likely already have a ring at that point. It all depends on how seriously they’re talking about marriage. If it’s vague “I love him and wna to be with him forever” kinds of things I would wait. If it is actual talk about getting married and a possible timeline then I’d get to informing so that he knows his options.
I was in kind of a similar situation. I, myself, had inherited a solitaire that I wanted to use as an engagement ring. So after we had kind of vaguely talked about getting married but before we had really decided it was going to happen, I made sure my fiance was paying attention and let it slip in casual conversation with my father that I had this ring that I would want to use as an e-ring.
So is there a way to casually bring it up? Maybe have it sitting out when they come over. You could say you just took it to the jewler to get cleaned or appraised or something. Then just casually mention that you’re keeping it tucked away in case your daughter would ever want to use it in the future… and make sure he hears. And that way your daughter will hear too. Maybe some eyebrow raises? So he at least knows it’s out there. Also, if your daughter has a girlfriend who you think her fiance might go to for advice about a ring (sister, best friend, etc) you should let her know about your ring offer as well.
Post # 13
PPs have got you covered for answers to your question, I think, but can I just say – I am so freaking jealous of your daughter. I always wanted an heirloom ring or diamond,so bad! But my dad’s side are recent, super-poor immigrants and my mother’s side just left their godforsaken farmland to try to make a living elsewhere. So we don’t really have anything beautiful to pass down. No heirlooms for me. 🙁
Especially considering that your daughter’s boyfriend works so hard just to live, and couldn’t very easily afford a diamond on his own. You are such a wonderful mother for thinking of them!
Post # 14
Yeah I had a family heirloom ring available for my husband to propose with, but since no one said anything to him about it before he asked for my dad’s blessing, he’d already purchased a different ring by then. I wish he would have known about this ring set as it is very beautiful and special to me, but now I have two rings so I guess I should consider myself lucky!
Post # 15
@PopcornMama: If my mother mentioned that to my boyfriend I’d be horrified. It would creep me out to no end. Ugh. But then, I was private with boyfriends and if DH had asked for parental blessing or for my hand or whatever I would have told him Dude that is not cool.
We actually DID have a family ring to be used as an engagment ring, but it went to my brother, so it was easier to communicate its existence and he did use it for an engagement ring for his wife.
Hey mom, I would mention the ring to your daughter. From there let her use it, or not.
My mom gave me a family ring decades after I got married and it’s a lovely right hand ring.