How soon is too soon to date again?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
220 posts
Helper bee

@fancymichelle:   nope you dont need to live like a nun, but I am a firm believer in taking your time.

I didnt date for years and in hindsight it was the best thing Ive ever done for myself because it gave me time to get to know myself properly. It was only then that I knew who and what I truly wanted.

Best of luck.

Post # 4
Member
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@fancymichelle:  I dont think there is any time that is too soon. I think it can be empowering after a relationship to celebrate yourself and remember that other people want your attention and company- regardless of whether or not it’s in a romantic sense 

Post # 5
Member
1634 posts
Bumble bee

How do you define ‘dating’? I cant casually date, I just know myself enough to know that a few dates turn into a relationship and thats that for me. I would need a good long time on my own to be totally over a messy relationship and work through all the baggage on my own without pulling someone else into it. That would be my concern for you, are you really and truely over it? I think thats probably where the concern is coming from, 10 weeks isnt much time, and its hard to heal a lot of wounds and anger in that short of a time. A healthy realationship cant take hold in the dust of an unhealthy one. that dust has to settle first and the only way it can is with time! But Im not you, I dont know anything about your relationship, so maybe you really and truely are ready.

Post # 6
Member
442 posts
Helper bee

@fancymichelle:  If you are feeling ok about it, don’t other people shut you down. You seem to have your priorities in order – casual dating to see what’s out there and to meet new people is perfectly fine. A rebound relationship isn’t a good idea, but you aren’t looking for that. 

I’m generally a proponent of taking your time, but I met and started hooking up with my current boyfriend two weeks after my first relationship of 5 years ended. I was 100% not ready for a relationship and told him up front, but we were still hooking up although he was definitely trying subtly to see if a relationship was in the future. That happened for a month and then we skyped a lot while I was abroad for two months and started dating officially a week after I got back. It was just over 3 months after the break up. Honestly I still wasn’t ready for a relationship at that point and I did struggle a lot for the first several months, but there was something about this guy. Now we have been together over a year, talk about the future a lot, and I am 100% over my ex minus a few twinges here and there. So I’m not saying you should look for a relationship now, but letting things fall where they may can also work out.

Post # 8
Member
3394 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@fancymichelle:  I would say it’s not too soon to go out and have fun, but maybe too soon to start dating. I was so happy when I finally got away from my abusive ex, but then when I started dating he caused all sorts of issues and I found out that I was still an emotional train wreck. He was basically stalking me and threatening every guy I talked to. When I finally thought it was safe (about 6 months later) and I could just date I had my rebound guy, but in my mind it was not rebound guy and I promptly got into a deep relationship with the wrong guy. Luckily it only took me 3 more months to realize that I was, yet again, in the wrong place. So I went back to just being alone and having fun, being happy. Then I met FI and I was in a much better place. We were also just friends for a few months before we got into a relationship.

I really needed that extra time to get to know myself again. When you’re in an abusive relationship you tend to lose yourself because we all know the abusive man is never happy with you the way you are. So you change in order to avoid the fights. You don’t want to end up getting into something new before you’re divorced, before this has all played out and risk  jumping into something wrong just for the comfort or to forget about the past. 

 

Post # 9
Member
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

1) you need to be fair to your future partner.  You should be legally divorced, or nearso, before you invest in a relationship.  Remeber, if his folks are vindictive and you’re not divorced they’ll be more than happy to use that against you.

 

2) you need time to heal and deal with the court proceedings.  Rape, while not treated as such, is a big deal.  You may not know some of your triggers until you encounter them and the more time you put between these things the better.

You have been through some serious, heavy stuff.  This is not an average split where you faught and decided to mutually leave for eachother’s good.  Really, it’s between you and a health care provider to decide.

Post # 10
Member
1634 posts
Bumble bee

@fancymichelle:  Then I think as long as it doesnt mess with your head, its fine! Its good to get out and get your flirt on! Have a good time, feel pretty and desired and enjoy yourself. Just be careful and guard your heart, and be honest with the people you hang out with, make sure they know where you’re at. And make sure you arent avoiding dealing with emotions that come up and using the outside attention as a band-aid

Post # 11
Member
1947 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think any man worth dating would not want to date someone who was still married – whether or not a divorce was in the works.

Go out & have fun with friends! If you meet someone hot and are sexually interested, why not go for it?  It sounds like you’ve been through a lot, maybe it’s worth talking to a therapist and getting their opinion on dating again?  

Post # 14
Member
3394 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@fancymichelle:  I didn’t think it would happen either. He seemed ok when he moved out and the stalking didn’t really start until a few months later. Maybe it was just him seeing me in the presence of another man what flipped his switch. Who knows. There’s something off in these guys brains. I can’t imagine a man that would rape his own wife is going to just slink away and let it go. I mean, for your sake, I hope he does, but it seems unlikely.

Post # 15
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

It’s really not for anyone else to say wether it’s too soon for yo to date or to pass judgment when you say you are. You are the only one that can say when you are really ready!

Post # 16
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@fancymichelle:  I think it’s great that you feel up to dating! When I broke up with my ex-BF, lots of sweet bees posted encouraging words… including one who said she met her future-husband like 10 days after breaking up with a long-term partner! Love can work out in amazing ways sometimes. Do what feels right to you!

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