Post # 1
Tonight is my last dress fitting. Wedding is in just over a month. Invitiations are out and and we’ve only received a little over half of the yes’s we counted on (invited 120, planned on 80, only have 43 yes’s including the bridal party, and the deadline was the 1st). Have had lots of problems with FI’s family and pretty much none of them are coming. Lots of family have made travel plans (including booking flights). Just received this email from FI:
“I want you to read this and think. A wedding is supposed to be about 2 people, the bride and the groom. Not their family, friends etc. They are invited to share in the start of the new life. It is to be a happy, joyous occassion. It is not supposed to be filled with disappointed, anger, resentment, worry. I love you. It is about me and you and I know you want a big fancy wedding but honestly, does it really matter. It is about me and you and since everyone in my family seems to be saying screw us, I feel like saying screw everyone.
I am really honestly to a point I would much prefer to just get married and take a little trip that weekend. I know what about the pictures, wedding dress etc. We can still get pictures, get in your dress etc. I don’t even want the ceremony any more, just me and you and maybe a photographer for an afternoon to document me and you.
I don’t care about money lost, what people will think or any of that crap. You have to remember right now this wedding is all about you, and your family. I don’t really factor into it at all.”
I know he still wants to get married, but to me this is as good as calling it all off. I’m numb and don’t know how to respond. I need advice. Any will help. (and no, I don’t really want to elope, I don’t want my family and our friends to be punished for his family being spiteful and not coming. It may be selfish but I *DO* want a wedding, but I don’t want him to be miserable at it.)
Post # 3
@phishy179: I completely agree with your FI. Sure, you will lose some money but you’ll be saving more in the long run. I’d rather have a kick ass honeymoon than a wedding for a bunch of people who don’t even want to be there. The wedding is about the two of you, not everyone else. I find elopements so romantic and intimate (hence why we are going that route) and it’s left us with amazing honeymoon options given all the money we saved.
So many people lose sight of what is actually important because they get so fussed about the details of the wedding. The main reason we wanted an elopement at all was to get pictures – we are going to do that! I will still have a dress and it will still be an amazing, special day. We are writing our own vows, choosing a location we want and is convenient for us, and not worrying about what anyone else wants.
I’d save myself the headache and just have a great day with my man if I were you!
Post # 4
You should just tell him your feelings! I’m sure he’ll understand. Just be really nice about it. He’s probably feeling hurt because of everything with his family.
Post # 5
@phishy179: It sounds to me like he’s more worried about you and your feelings than his. I didn’t take it as calling it off at all. My best guess is he’s seeing you stressing over all of this, and wants to take that stress away.
Men are ‘fixers’. You could just tell him thank you, and you’ll think about it. Give yourself some cool down time, and tell him you appreciate what he’s trying to do, but you still want what you originally planned, even though his family is being goofy.
Post # 6
Sounds like he wants to call off the wedding, but not the marriage. So not calling it “all” off.
I think you two should have a good talk. His family not wanting to participate and him feeling like he’s not a part of what’s happening are two different things. You two should talk and get to the bottom of that.
Luckily, it sounds like he’s not waivering at all in his desire to be married to you.
Post # 7
I think it’s a little worrisome that he thinks the wedding is about you and your family and that he doesn’t factor into it at all…
Post # 8
@ANGELaaimt: +1. He doesn’t want to call off the marriage, just the wedding.
Post # 9
Wow, that is a lot to take in. I think the two of you need to talk tonight-face to face. He obviously is really hurt by the way his family has acted, and feels left out since none of them will be there.
I completely get where you are coming from, not wanting to hurt your family.Does he have friends that will be there, friends in the wedding party? If you are really set on having the big wedding reminiding him that your family is his family now too and they are there to support both of you.
I hope the two of you can come up with something that you both will be happy with. The silver lining in this is you know that all he really wants out of this is to marry you:)
Post # 10
@phishy179: Yikes! I think you need to have an open and honest conversation with your FI. It’s clear that he thinks the wedding has become only about you and your family and he and his family have no part. I don’t know what happened with his side to warrent them not coming, but clearly he is upset about it. Perhaps it would be best to elope and then have an at home reception after the fact.
It doesn’t sound like he wants to call off the marriage, he just doesn’t want to have a wedding without his family. Wanting to elope instead of having a big wedding is completely different then wanting to call off the engagement/wedding/marriage.
Post # 11
@phishy179: ….he’s telling you what this day means to him, and honestly, that’s a great guy you’ve got on your hands. He wants to be your husband, not put on a show for half the guests you invited, not spend a bunch of money on a single evening…he wants YOU.
Cancelling the wedding to elope punishes no one…run off, get an elopement package, spoil yourselves and focus on each other…the family that’s still coming into town can come, for a much more casual reception and celebrate the newlyweds.
Its important that both parties get what they want out of their wedding day, round up your golden cows and see if you can’t come to a compromise.
Post # 12
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
I think he’s sad that you’re stressed about it, and he’s trying to fix the situation. Tell him that you appreciate him trying to fix things, but you still really want the big wedding.
THEN, make a concerted effort to overlook all the drama and focus on the good. It’s just so not worth it to ruin this wedding experience by letting all this crap get to you. You want to look back at this time with happy memories, so make those memories now!
Post # 13
@phishy179: what your FI said reminds me of what BIG says to carrie in sex and the city about their upcoming nuptials. it’s so true. it IS just about you two.
hang in there!
Post # 14
It sounds like he’s sick of the drama and hard work of planning a wedding, and that he would much rather start your new life together in a more private celebration. You two will need to work together to find a compromise.
Post # 15
@ANGELaaimt: Agreed completely.
@phishy179: It sounds like your fiance is seeing how stressed out and upset this wedding is making you, and he’s trying to tell you that he doesn’t care about the ceremony and hooplah – he just wants to be married to you. He’s not saying he wants to call off the marriage. Sounds to me like he’s actually a really great guy who wants to make you as happy as he can, and that he thinks not having a wedding is what will make you the happiest.
Post # 16
Yes! You need to talk to him. And discuss the importance of the day. Yes the dress and the big event is exciting, but it really is about the two of you. It sounds like he is saddened by his family, and now saddened because how it makes you feel.
I would honestly continue with the day and not allow the people that arent attending, to ruin anything for you. Enjoy the day with the people that come, and enjoy starting your forever with your fiance! Dont worry about the others, worry about your two!