Post # 1
My parents are super-religious. I’m a Christian, but I am not nearly as strict as they are. I don’t subscribe to a lot of the beliefs that seem to be based mostly upon tradition than actual faith. I guess you could say I’m more spiritual than religious. I follow my heart and sometimes strict Christians could find fault with my beliefs. Anyway, my fiance is agnostic and doesn’t want our ceremony to be religion-based. He’s ok with my being a Christian and is even ok with incorporating my beliefs into our wedding ceremony, within certain limits. My parents are paying for the majority of our wedding and have made it pretty clear what they want. They want the pastor from church to marry us. Sure, he’s a nice man, but after attending church there for about 20 years, he still gets my name wrong and doesn’t know my FI. I’m also concerned that if he runs the ceremony it’s going to be entirely tradition-based. We’d like the ceremony to be based upon the love we have for each other. We’ve agreed that it’s ok to have a few Bible verses read, and even to have a prayer said. But I want not only my fiance, but also my friends and family of other faiths to be comfortable and able to relate to what’s being said at my wedding. I mean, the groom is one of the two most important people of the day, doesn’t it make sense that he feel included in the ceremony?
How do I tell my parents that while I love them and God that I don’t want their pastor to marry us?
Post # 3
Is it possible to have a civil ceremony and then a short religious blessing after?
It’s a really difficult one TBH, but I think the ceremony needs to be about you two, and if he’s really against a religious ceremony, and you don’t want one either, I absolutely don’t think you should have one just to keep your parents happy.
My parents are Catholic, my OHs mum and grandmother are Christian; even though our parents would like us to have a religious ceremony, we have point-blank refused as neither of us want one. I’m extremely anti-religion, and while my OH is less opposed, he hasn’t attended Church in about 15 years and absolutely doesn’t want to be married in a Church. My parents are paying, but ultimately it’s our wedding, and we made clear from the outset that while grateful for their help, we wanted to have the final decisions esp on big things like the ceremony.
Post # 4
I don’t think its right to say that you “love God”, because your thoughts and actions show that this is not why you are getting married or why you live your life the way you do. Its easy to say, but are you acually living it out? If not, theres no point in pretending.
The way your making this marriage out to be, is for the sake of your family and your future to be family. But have you stopped to think about your relationship with God? If you have a loving relationship with him, you will seek to please him and not everyone around you.
You also said that your FI is “okay” with your religious beliefs. Honestly this does not sound like you two should be getting married. You both need to realize that this marriage isn’t about you both. You should pray that God will reveil to you what really matters in life.
Post # 5
DH is Christian and I am not. We had a secular wedding that I put together and he reviewed it and had no problems with it. We opted to have the ceremony and reception all in one place and a friend marry us. So the families did not question us about it. Perhaps you could try for something like that.
Post # 6
@srednakun: You also said that your FI is “okay” with your religious beliefs. Honestly this does not sound like you two should be getting married. You both need to realize that this marriage isn’t about you both. You should pray that God will reveil to you what really matters in life.
Seriously? They shouldn’t get married because her FI is only ‘ok’ with her beliefs? And since when is the marriage not about the couple? Please stop inserting your own religious beliefs into this. The OP asked for advice on appeasing both sides, not about the status of her beliefs.
Post # 7
I’m in a similar situation and here is what I’m doing.
We’re going with our own officiant (destination wedding anyways) and have requested a non-religious ceremony. I have specified that I don’t want anything new-agey (no mention of the universe etc.) which would make my parents extremely uncomfortable and would also offend my somewhat Christian sensibilities/raise the cheese-o-meter in my opinion. I also said that something a bit religious, even if it was a bible verse read or a mention of God would be nice.
We will then probably ask my Dad to say grace before dinner, which will allow him to pray for us/ask God’s blessing on our marriage at the same time.
Post # 8
To the OP, you may want to talk to your parents about what their expectations are since they are paying. If they are holding strong to what they want (and what your FI doesn’t want) you may want to consider financing your wedding another way. If you parents feel that there paying means that they get the wedding that they want, you and FI should try to figure out a way to have the wedding that the two of you want.
Post # 9
i’m having a similar issue! would love to hear more opinions…
Post # 10
How about looking for a pastor you like and it’s ok with the kind of ceremony you want? Once you’ve talked to him, talk to your parents about how you found someone you feel comfortable with, explaining how the pastor in their church doesn’t really know you.
Or maybe explainig the situation to their pastor? how you like things to be.
The truth is, it’s your wedding (You and your FI), and both should be comfortable with the way it goes, you have a belief but your FI also has one (atheism is a belief) so you should try to blend both into your ceremony. Good luck.
Post # 11
@srednakun: I think this is a very inappropriate and judgmental response to the OP and have flagged it as such. I encourage others who feel the same way to do this as well.
OP, definitely talk to your parents about the type of ceremony that you and your fiance are comfortable with, but be prepared for the possibility that they will not want to finance a ceremony/wedding that does not express their own beliefs. It’s unfortunate, but I’ve seen enough posts in here to realize that is sometimes the case. Could you and your fiance pay for your own wedding? If so (and if your parents don’t budge on the ceremony details), I would recommend just paying for your own wedding. If this is not a possibility, you can certainly make your wishes known but be aware that you may have to compromise more than you’d like. Good luck!
Post # 12
@srednakun: I have no relationship with God, and honestly, I’m glad I don’t. But for you to say that someone shouldn’t get married because they don’t “love God”??? WOW…that’s all I’m gonna say.
Post # 13
Both my FI and I are Christians, but we do share different views on some things. I would sit down with you FI and your parents and have an honest talk about what both sides are comfortable/uncomfortable with. I know it is easy to say, “it is your day.. do what you want” BUT you also want your parents to feel like their voice is being heard and their opinion matters ( which is what I am gethering from your post). I would include FI and both parents and lay it all out on the table and work as a family unit to try and reach an agreement.. because religion in the ceremony is just the beginning of meshing the two backgrounds for you. I am sure at family dinners there may be praying before meals, when children are involved there could be church camps… so maybe introducing this open forum for them all now will save you some run ins like this in future.
Good luck !! 🙂