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I think the biggest problem I've noticed that causes arguments to escalate is not letting one another talk. When you're arguing, try to step back and let the other person have their say/opinion, and then take your turn. It may seem like a simple task, but its really one of the hardest things to do. Once FI and I got into the habit of doing that, the amount of times we've argued has dropped drastically.
@peasantsong: I think sometimes it is important to take those breaks when things get too heated. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying that you'd like to take a moment to collect yourself.
It's also good to try to tell each other what you hear from your partner. "From what you are saying, it seems like you're concerned that I spend too much money on groceries" - or whatever the issue might be. Sometimes we're so busy thinking about our next comeback/statement that we forget to really listen.
If you have any connections to a religion or church, then you can meet with someone there. Sometimes it helps to have neutral ground when discussing a major issue or problem.
My DH and I struggle with "fighting fair". We don't really fight a lot, but we have had a couple of big doosies and we both refuse to lose. At times we have both said some really mean things that we regret later on (except when I said his mom was a terrible mom, but that is a completely different story). I think we are going to read The Five Love Languages. I have heard from other Bees it is great. I have heard "The Seven Principles of Making Marriages Work" by John Gottman is good too.
I am sorry, but I only fight to win. Why else would I enter a fight? :-)
My husband and I don't argue often - but when we do, it's like an endless battle of wits and neither of us likes to lose. So we will throw out points and counter-points until we completely exhaust every scenario. We don't often concede the fight, but we do concede points when they are valid. I am not entirely sure how these things end - but eventually, after exhausting all logic, we always arrive at a state in which we both understand all the sides of the arguments there could possibly be, and are able to make a joint decision from there.
I think the most important thing for us is that we only fight the issues, never each other. We never attack the other person, we never bring up old arguments, and we never distract from the topic at hand. We may be totally ruthless in our logical arguments about the current issue, and we both hold very strong opinions, but we would never say mean things about each other.
At the end of the day, I think you have to remember that you are a team. While your approaches may be different, your purpose is rarely so, and you are ALWAYS on the same side.
the best advice I've EVER gotten is that when you are arguing you should be in physical contact with each other, the best way to do it is to sit next to each other or across from each other and hold hands. That physical contact keeps things from escalating and getting out of control and keeps it productive
We've spent a lot of time learning effective communication strategies and ways to fight fair. Our number one rule (and one I still on occasion struggle with...) is no sarcasm, ever. In my opinion, once someone starts being sarcastic the discussion can't move forward, because you've made the other person feel as if you don't think their opinion matters. We also both agree to walk away for a few minutes of cool-down if we're arguing or getting mad at each other, because if you start feeling that way, you're not going to express your feelings clearly nor are you going to listen to the other person's. If someone calls for a break, it doesn't matter if we're right in the middle of it, we take a few minutes and back off. We also try to repeat back to one another what we think the issue is, to make sure that we both know what the actual problem is and to show that we've been listening to one another.
If you're both aware of the issue and want to take steps toward communicating better, it can definitely be done. We almost never argue at this point despite a high-stress LDR, but learning how to communicate respectfully even when we're angry has really been a relationship-saver.
For ME, I have to take a step outside of myself and accept the fact that I'm not always right. That doesn't mean that I let him "win" every argument, but I think "how important is this argument?" and then go from there. It may take me a while, but I try to come around and admit when I'm wrong. I also try to remember that I cannot control how he thinks/feels/speaks about an issue, I can only control myself.
this thread is great, i fight with my fiance all the time, lots of yelling, etc, i am very good at holding a grudge and not letting things go. hopefully i can take all these things and apply them to our arguing style so we can improve. he is the one to leave the room and shut down so maybe if i give him a break it would help. http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/just-feels-like-he-doesnt-want-me - doesn't fully explain how we argue but you get the idea, any tips on how to improve how we argue would be great :)
I've probably had about half a dozen major arguments with my OH over the 6 and a bit years we've been together. Otherwise, we rarely argue; and when we do, it will be about something 'big', not about something petty.
I think one important thing is not to let things build up; if something bothers you, talk about it while it's still just a minor niggle/petty annoyance, and deal with it. Don't wait until it becomes a bigger issue, as chances are it will result in a bigger, more heated, argument.
Another thing is to recognise what things actually matter, and to try to avoid arguing over stupid little things. If you're angry, try to take a deep breath and count to ten before voicing how you feel.
If things get heated, take a step back straight away; say 'this isn't productive', and if you must, leave the room. Then discuss if when you feel calmer. Never ever discuss anything in the heat of the moment, or when you're angry, tough as that can be.
Also agree never to bring up past problems/arguments; it's a sure-fire way to escalate an argument and it's just not necessary. If you've already discussed and resolved something, leave it where it is: in the past.
But I think one important thing to remember is that provided you aren't having blazing arguments every day/week, it doesn't need to be a huge issue. Most couples argue occasionally; there will be times where the best of us are tired, stressed out, and blow our tops when we probably shouldn't; provided you move on, it doesn't need to be a hige issue, and personally, I think that having therapy because you argue occasionally is a bit extreme.
I asked to help respond to this because we have had our fair share of arguments.
1) its ok to go to bed angry, sometimes you need to just cool down.
2) limit cussing (we cuss in our natural speach but when we are arguing we cut it out)
3) each take turns repeating what point you think the other is trying to make. (we found that sometimes we were arguing over different things)
4) don't talk down to one another
5) limit the disagreement to one topic at a time (when arguing don't bring up a laundry list of annoyances you have with one another)
6) take a step back and admit if either one of you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired (HALT)
7) set a time limit (we dont argue for longer than an hour, if we haven't agreed by then we probably won't) after that time limit Agree to disagree or agree on a time when you can continue the discussion.
Excellent advice everyone! Thank you so much! I am so happy that I posted this because I have learned a lot of new tips that I would not have figured out alone. My husband is the greatest guy and is so willing to try anything I suggest to help us communicate better. I am definitely going to incorporate your excellent advice into our future arguments. You guys are so helpful!
@mcklough: That's interesting!
For me, I know it's important to start my sentences with, "I feel" or "When you _____, it makes me feel" and stuff like that. I try to avoid starting sentences with "YOU" and definitely try to avoid using "always" and "never".
For example, instead of accusing, "You never tell me when you're going to be late!"
try, "It makes me feel worried when I don't know where you are. I'd feel a lot more relaxed if you would send me a text when you think you'll be running late."
Ya know?
we argue every couple of days, but i shall take all the advice this thread has and hopefully it will be a lot less :)
My biggest advice comes from our premarital counselor.
Most fights in marriage revolve around sex, money or the home... it's almost inevitable that there will be arguments. However... there are a few ways to prevent a bad fight from happening.
Listening- repeating what you think your spouse is saying back to them to make sure all is understood. A lot of anger and frustration comes when one person misunderstands the other. This has helped resolve a LOT of our arguments. When I think DH is being dumb or really stubborn I'll repeat what I think he's saying back to him and he usually is able to explain what he meant originally.
Sometimes going to bed angry is actually okay. Fights usually don't resolve well if both people are angry and tired at the same time.
I love this thread! My FI and I argue alot, we are semi LDR as he is stationed 2hours away and cost prevents us from seeing each other more than two weekends a month. Not bad, but we seem to spend alot of our phone time arguing, then when he comes home it can continue.
Generally when an argument starts on the phone, one of us usually ends the convo before the argument 'takes off'. I hate wasting our precious time together having squabbles. Ours seem to come down to the culture difference. We have such differing expectations of each other. But the tips of communicating are really practical and helpful... and the listening thing. I definitely have issues with that.
He, I, we need to find a way to discuss without feeling that our opinion is invalid, or not being misunderstood, I am realising the heat of an argument is not the best time to do that.
This is more of a philosophy than a tactic, but something that has helped us immensely is to think of fighting/disagreements as myself and my husband working together to solve a problem that is harming our relationship (so it's me and my husband vs. the problem), rather than thinking of it as me vs. my husband. This takes the focus off of winning/being right and puts it onto actually working on what is harming me/him/us. That's not to say that we don't ever get angry or frustrated with each other, but knowing that we're working together to create the best partnership possible really helps both of us when we're at odds, because hearing his point of view (even if I disagree with it) is another piece of information that will help us reconcile, rather than something that will threaten my own point of view.
@mckernae: OMG! I LOVE this!! I am the oldest child in my famiy and the only girl...so I'm bossy AND spoiled...so that carries over into my relationship and I am fixated on being right AND getting my way...FI DESPISES this about me and I'm really trying to work on this. Because nobody wants to be the bratty wife, lol!
I love your philosophy of me and him against the issue as opposed to both of us trying to prove our points and trying to be the one to make the other apologize first. SMH...it is so childish when I think about it. I also like the advice of keeping in physical contact I notice if he is getting heated and I grab his hand and rub it between my hands he IMMEDIATELY calms down.
Patience patience patience.
We never raise our voices and we never interrupt. (I think it goes without saying that we would never swear at one another.) Usually if we can manage to keep calm and not talk over one another, things stay respectful and we can usually reach a solution. My husband and I (I feel) are very fortunate because neither of us has a problem admitting we were wrong or apologizing.
Also. My husband manages a LOT of people in a very competitive field and his main beef with arguing/bringing up issues in the relationship is coming to him with a problem and not having any ideas of how to solve it or make it better. Like, he doesn't like to be bitched at for bitching's sake, if that makes sense. So . . . I resort to my 7th grade health glass format:
I feel ___ when you ___ because ____. I need ____.
It doesn't always work, but it helps as a jumping-off point.
@panterapeach: These are all very good.
I learned about using a code word when things start to get heated from this thread: how do you remember to use your 'argument rules' when you're angry? Sometimes that's all you need to diffuse the situation and just talk it out without fighting.
My own personal quote:
You're fighting a losing battle. Because you are arguing with the one person you are suppose to be working with through life's challenges, together! You have to remember, you are on the same team! Don't let pride take you over. Pride doesn't make you right in the arguement, it only makes you weak as a team. If you really want to win, stop fighting a losing battle no matter who started it & figure out what is going to make it work. Because you can only win if you both make it together, not by figuring out who is wrong or right.
Pride is what takes over in these heated arguements. Its pride that wont let you stop yourself from saying things you don't mean to say. Its pride that holds you back from saying sorry, forgiving & moving on from the arguement.
Going back to the sarcasm topic - point blank, if you are feeling hurt/disrespected/whatever, just be honest and flat out say "that really hurt me", or "that really upset me". It seems simple, but nobody thinks to every just stop and do that. You can have heated debates or arguments, but when people are starting to feel emotionally vulnerable or abused, then you know that the conversation has veered off course. Taking a second to just reflect on how you both are feeling, and then redirecting back to the issue is a simple concept, but very effective.
Wow, this thread is full of great ideas!
We rarely *fight*, we more just say things that hurt each other, and then once we gradually start talking (get past the point of just being mad and trying to figure out our personal feelings,) then we are fine b/c we just apologize and say we love each other and cry a little. :-)
Anyhow, in our marriage prep class, we learned about this thing called the "speaker-listener technique." (We've never really had to use it, b/c like I said above, we rarely have *arguments* that are like "i'm right and you're wrong.")
But it goes like this: They gave us this magnet to put on our fridge, and it's called "The Floor." The technique is big into not interrupting, and trying to *understand* what the other person is saying.
So what the magnet says is:
Rules for the speaker:
-speak for yourself, don't mind read
-keep statements brief. Don't go on and on.-stop to let the listener paraphrase.
Rules for the listener:
-paraphrase what you hear
-focus on the speaker's message. don't rebut.
Rules for both:
-the speaker has the floor.
-speaker keeps the floor while the listener paraphrases
-share the floor.
So basically the way it works, is one person (the speaker) gets to have "the floor," and they say what they want/how they feel. The other person can't interrupt. Then, when they're done, the listener says something like, "so what I heard you saying is, <this> is what you want/feel. Am I right?" Then they go back and forth until the speaker believes that the listener understands his/her side. Then, they switch sides, and the listener becomes the speaker and gets to say how he/she feels/wants.
The idea is, in the heat of the argument (assuming you have already discussed "the floor" as a possible method that you agree on, ;-) ) then in the heat of an arguement, someone can run into the kitchen and grab it off the fridge and say, "I have the floor! You have to listen to me say my side!" :-)
My struggle is getting my non-confrontations, easy-going FI to tell me when small things bother him. He often expects small things to just go away or stop bothering him, but when they don't, his impatience and ___ (anger seems to strong a word) grow until he breaks down and either gets really upset or withdrawn and still doesn't want to say why because he thinks it's stupid he is so bothered by it. I'd prefer to know early and nip it in the butt. We're talking small things, like that I leave water glasses all over the apartment (always makes me think of Signs), but they can really get to him after a while, and I can't be proactive if I don't know he's annoyed. Big stuff, we're great at communicating respectfully about that!
@mckernae: THIS. A simple and best way I have heard this put is that you are a part of a team now. Arguments should always be you and your partner against the problem. It isolates the problem, and the goal is to collaboratively find a way to solve the problem. It doesn't always have to be a joint problem, where you're both upset, because if one person is upset it is a problem for both by default of both being members of the same team. So if one person is feeling upset, both members should figure out where the problem stems from and work to solve it.
It's not me vs you, it's me AND you vs the problem.
After I heard this, it revolutionized the way I look at arguments!
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This is a very personal subject, but I feel like many couples experience the issue of not knowing how to argue well so I thought I would start a thread and ask for some advice. Maybe this thread will help others as well.
Like all couples, my husband and I argue. I feel like we argue a normal amount and it's not normal arguments that upset me. What upset me are those few times when arguments turn nasty and disrespectful. Never any name calling or really low blows, but there will be a super rude "whatever!" or a sarcastic "yeah, ok right!" and an escalation of anger until I feel I have to leave the room or immediately be quiet unless I want to say something I don't mean. In my opinion, respect is more important than anything in a relationship and when we have these fights where I feel we are being seriously disrepectiful, it makes me fear for the longevity of our relationship. I have, of course, shared all of these feelings with him and he fully agrees that we need to find better, healthier ways to argue. We can't afford marriage counseling, but are willing to read books, articles and take good advice.
So tell me, what's your advice for having healthy and respectful arguments?