(Closed) How to ask a bridesmaid to step down? Or maybe I'm having a meltdown!

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: Do I ask her to step down and explain genuinely how I feel and how it will affect the day?
    Yes : (6 votes)
    18 %
    No : (27 votes)
    82 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1071 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @SweetGrass876:  Honestly, I think you should let her bring her sister and her baby.  I think its a bit much to tell her she cant bring the baby because of the cost when she offered to pay.  Her sister will be able to hold and care for the baby while she is in the ceremony hanging out with you, etc.  I really dont understand why you are so upset by this.  How old is the baby?  If its younger than 1 year and/or she is breatfeeding you cant expect her to leave the baby at home

    Post # 4
    Member
    2874 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    youre wedding is the day after mine!

    ok realistically i would stick to your guns and say shes welcome to leave reception earlier but you cant accomodate extra guests. only ‘de-bridesmaid’ her (or ask her to step down) if you want her nto to attend wedding at all and most likely no longer be friends with you. theres no nice way to do it!

    Post # 5
    Member
    3039 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    How old is the baby, because if it’s an infant I can understand that she would want him somewhere close. In that case, is there someone that she’s close to that could keep an eye on the baby during the ceremony when she’s attending to you? If not, I think you need to have a talk with her and try to solve the situation – but don’t ask her to step down right away.

    Post # 6
    Member
    34 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Are you having children at your wedding?  If there will be kids/babies there anyways, maybe she can have her sister drop the baby off during the reception – that way no one has to worry about extra costs, the bridesmaid and can perform all her BM duties and then spend the reception with her son as she seems to want.

    That said I think she could have been more tactful in how she approach the subject.

    Post # 7
    Member
    11753 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    how old is her kid?

    Post # 9
    Member
    9143 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    A two year old is not a baby.  Most moms would jump at the chance to spend a few hours away from a child that age!  I say stand your ground but be prepared to lose the friend, however, I am not sure how much of a friend she is if she can’t leave her 2 year old son with her sister for 4-6 hours so she can attend your wedding.  I think this is the first instance of many more to come where she will choose her child over you and your relationship with her and it’s hard to knock a mother for choosing her child over other people; she will however lose friends over situations like this where she is being a bit unreasonable.

    Post # 10
    Member
    12827 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    If you don’t want the kid there, you need to take a firm stance and say it’s kid-free and you don’t have space to add her sister.  Don’t make it a question, or a money thing – firm line “No, it won’t be possible,”  Eventually you’ll have to ask her to decide if she can separate from her child for a few hours with her sister babysitting, or if she’ll stay home.  Personally, I’d offer not having her stay at the hotel the night before as a compromise.

    Post # 13
    Member
    12827 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @SweetGrass876:  Oh, I wasn’t suggesting you allow the toddler there the night before.  I meant she could stay at home with the toddler while you’re in the hotel without them, and just kind of leave it at that! 

    Post # 15
    Member
    6256 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: March 2014

    Bridesmaids should never be required to buy makeup. Bridesmaids should never be required to help with transportation. You don’t NEED fancy transportation to your wedding, and it’s not the obligation of those who have already spent the time and money to be there for you, no matter how inadequate you think that amount is, to provide transportation or anything else for your wedding. Regardless of how cheap you got the dress for, and regardless of whether you bought the shoes, that doesn’t give you carte blanche to pass the plate.

    It was a little rude of her to ask to bring extra people, but since it’s a child, and you say you aren’t having any, the correct response would have been “We are having no children at the wedding.” Bringing up the money, after already asking them to foot the bill for makeup and transportation (which again, are in no way, shape or form expected bridesmaids contributions) makes you look like a bit like a cheapskate.

    Basically, you’re asking whether it’s appropriate to ask her to step down because you’re upset she isn’t paying her way, and because she had the audacity to ask whether she could bring her kid and her sister (presumably so she could watch the kid….and her attention could be on you.) She was willing to take no for an answer! Don’t punish her just because she asked. She probably thinks you’re friends, since you did ask her to stand with you. That question is incredibly rude from a stranger, but IMO much less so from a close friend.

    It sounds like she is doing all she can with a limited income to try and make your wedding work. I bet the reason that she is willing to pay for sister and baby is because by the time you factor in the cost of paying for a sitter, it would have been a wash.

    If she’s really your friend, you should be able to overlook these things, because honestly, none of them are egregious, and you were within your right to say no to sister and kid. But since it sounds like she has jumped through all required hoops, and is trying to accommodate your wishes on the kid/sister thing, it would be really rude to uninvite her. Do you even like this girl?

    Post # 16
    Member
    2702 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Well, you can’t blame her for wanting to be near her kid.  Some people just don’t feel comfortable leaving their baby alone for long periods of time.  I don’t think it’s fair for anyone to judge her for that.  It’s nothing against you, it’s just how she parents.

    However, you are perfectly within your rights to say you want a child-free wedding.  I would definitely explain this to her.  You can tell her that it’s not necessarily about money, but you decided to not invite children and you don’t think it would be fair to allow her kid there, but not anyone else’s.  Hopefully she will understand.

    Also, I’m a bit confused: are the BMs staying with you the night of the wedding and thus she’s going ot have to spend the night away from her kid?  Or does she want to spend the night with you but can’t because you don’t want her kid there?  The latter is reasonable, the former is not.

    As far as the money goes, don’t stress about it.  You will give yourself a headache trying to keep track of her finances.  It’s one thing to spend money on something that will make you more comfortable (such has having your kid near) and it’s another to spend money for/on someone else’s wedding.  Also, I agree with PP: if you are requiring professional hair and makeup, the bride needs to pay.  Also, the bride and groom are responsible for organzing and paying for transportation costs for the BP if it’s required to get from one venue to another and/or if travel is required for pictures.  It’s very unfair to ask for your BP to help pay for a limo/gas/car/bus.

    I know you’re just venting and I hope this has helped.  I don’t know what your other conversations have been like, but this one just sounds like she was trying to figure out the logistics of the day.  It sounds like she is trying to make it work so she can be there and support you but still fullfill her role as a mom.

     

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