Post # 1
- Wedding: November 2012 - Country Club
Some background information: Me and my fiance started dating last Novemeber and got engaged on NYE. He is in the military, so I moved to NC to be with him. My family is in Ohio and his in Oklahoma, so we are all spread out. We are getting married October 2013
We are trying to figure out how much we need to save. My parents have already said that they will help us out a lot. I have not met his parents yet, we are going there for Christmas. He talks about them like they have a pretty good amount of money. They drive nice cars and he is there only child, so they didn’t have to help out with college or other weddings.
His mom has told us she wants to invite 50 people! I feel if you want to invite that many people that I have never met, that she should help us out, if they can. He has met almost everyone that my parents are inviting. When I asked him if he thought his parents would help us out at all he replyed “I honestly don’t know”. Then I don’t think he has ever talked to them about it. I have never even talked to his mother, so I don’t have a clue what to expect. Although I heard him having to ensure her on the phone that “it will be a real wedding, with a ceremony, reception, and drinking”. If she is worried that my wedding won’t be good enough for her guests, shouldn’t she become more involved more?
My fiance and I are living paycheck to paycheck, I am about to graduate college next month and who knows when I will get a job. We live in a tiny town that the closest place I can get a job in the field my degree is in is 2 hours away. So, I will most likely get a job doing something else and not making enough money to save a lot for the wedding. My parents have said that they will find a way to pay for alcohol and the rehersal dinner if his parents don’t offer to help us at all, but I know that my parents can’t take that on along with everything else they are already paying for.
Any ideas on how to ask my fiance to ask his parents about it? I’m not sure if his family doesn’t want to help or just is clueless and hasn’t brought it up yet. I would rather just know, before booking the venue.
Post # 3
I think I would just ask him simply and directly. “Hey, since that last time we talked about it, have your parents mentioned anything about possible contributions to the wedding? It’s fine if they aren’t but just wanted to know so we can start making plans.”
Post # 4
@pinkcrush: Money is touchy– and if it were me, I would go on planning as if they were not going to help out financially. That way, if they do, it will be gravy and a nice extra on top of your budget. If you still feel like you need a solid yes or no- have your FI approach this one * carefully*. You haven’t even met his parents yet, and I’m sure you do not want to come across as the money hungry FDIL. Once the topic is discussed, drop it. They know you’re getting married… And they know that weddings cost money. Good luck with everything! I just don’t want to see you start off on the wrong foot with the FILs, especially over money.
Post # 5
You can just talk to your FI about how you guys plan to pay for the wedding and see if he suggests help from his parents. And if he suggets his parents, maybe ask if he’s talked to them about it. Like PP said, so you guys can start making the appropriate plans.
Post # 6
@Mrs_Amanda: I agree with this. If they were offering money, they will hand it over sooner than later.
Post # 7
How many people total are you thinking of inviting? You indicated that 50 people was alot….. is that in addition to the guests your FI gave you…. or is that 50 people total from HIS entire side? How many people are being invited from YOUR side?
IMHO…. you and your FI should make a budget for a wedding that you guys can afford to pay for ON YOUR OWN that you are happy with. That’s where you start. Then, anything contributed by EITHER side is an *extra*. Something that you could possibly *eliminate* if things get crazy and *strings* start to become attached to the money and then emotions go awry.
As far as the number of invites….. regardless of who pays for what…. the invitations should be split equally. You can’t intend to *join* 2 families and then make it inequitable from the beginning.
So – if you say, for example, – we have decided that each side gets 25 invites TOTAL….. FI has used 15 of those designated for GROOM side, so FMIL… you can invite 10 people of your choosing.
If she says…. but I want to invite more than that, in addition to what FI has invited…. Then you need to tell her that your budget is set for a total of 25 per side and that you can’t really accomodate additional people, unless she would like to help out with the budget. Then give her the “per head” TOTAL cost (to add drinks, flowers, chair bows….whatever, not just the food) x the # of invites over the *base* cost and see if she will help out with that in exchange for inviting her people.
This way…. YOU and FI will maintain *control* of your wedding, yet you give her the ability to get what she wants by helping out with the budget. You’ll also be able to have this conversation before you get too far down the planning road….. like right now, as you are determining venue etc. After she says she wants to invite more than you are allowing….. simply give her the amount and if she agrees then you say…. in order to increase I have to have “that total amount” by “xyz” date. This should be WAY before when your deadlines are and when money is due. That way if she backs out…. you don’t have a problem on your hands. DON’T swap out – or let her, for example, pay for *all the cake* instead of paying a lump sum that you can use however you want. Again…. this will have strings. If you decide to order a different cake than she wants, for example, she can back out of giving you the money…. BUT you’ve already invited HER extra guests.
Good Luck – money stuff is tough.
Post # 8
Honestly, you don’t ask. People volunteer if they want to contribute.
Otherwise, you can have him bring it up to his parents. If they want to invite 50 people, say it’s not in the budget, and if they want those people invited, it would be great if they could make some sort of financial contribution. Let him bring it up though; it would look really bad if you went to his parents asking for money right after you’ve met them.
Post # 9
I don’t think it is appropriate to ask anyone for money. If they say they would like to contribute something, that opens the door and you can have that conversation as to what or how much they will give. If not, then just plan accordingly.