(Closed) How to ask someone not to help financially?

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Unfortunately, allowing people to pay gives them control.  I don’t know if there is a polite way to say it but I think that your FI should sit down with her and let her know that you don’t feel comfortable taking her money so you will just pay for it yourself.  That way you don’t have to tell her that she is being a pain!

Post # 4
Member
3709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I would have your FI handle it. He can probably be a lot more frank with your FMIL than you can. For what it’s worth, I think that you are making the right decision as far as not accepting her money. Your wedding planning will probably be a lot less stressful.

Post # 5
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Would your parents still be paying and having a say in the wedding?

I think the tactful way to do it would be to sit down and talk to her about how greatful you both are for her offer to pay for things, you apprecaite how generous that is, and blah, blah, blah… however, you guys want to take more ownership of your wedding, have a specific vision, and that you guys can accomplish that vision without any financial help from her, and that you would hate to ask her to pay for things that she may not like.

Or, perhaps consider something small she can do (and pay for if your parents are contributing still) that she can have free reign over, like the rehersal dinner, or a post-wedding brunch, or organizing a cocktail party for out of town guest before the wedding. In that case, you can just say that you guys want to pay for the wedding on the budget you have, however would she mind helping plan (and pay for) “x.” I think that, traditionally, the groom’s family pays for the rehersal dinner anway so that might be a good way to go if you’re okay with letting her do what she wants in that regards.

And then send her a nice thank you card, or get her something small (flowers or a bottle of wine) and leave it at that. And then, going forward, don’t involve her in any of the planning at all, but do tell her things after the fact like, “we have chosen to get “x” type of cake,” so that she doesn’t feel totally out of the loop.

Stick to your guns, and don’t let her guilt you guys into doing things you don’t want or forgoing on this you do want.

Post # 6
Member
1149 posts
Bumble bee

CurlyDreamer’s advice is really good. 

 

Perhaps if she insists on contributing financially and you don’t want to give her full reign over any of your events, she can buy you guys a fabulous honeymoon trip?  Smile

Post # 7
Hostess
16217 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Good idea on the honeymoon, Lorienne!

Post # 8
Member
1051 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I’d just tell her your appreciate her generous offer but it means a lot to you guys to cover the expense yourself and for her to be an honored guest at your wedding.  There’s no reason to mention she’s being a pain in the ass.

I’ve always known I wanted to pay for my own wedding, and that’s basically what I told all 4 of our parents when we got engaged (it’s what I’ve been telling my paretns for years!)

Post # 9
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Eeek! That’s a sticky one. I’d say that you and FI should sit down with her (perhaps ask her to lunch or something) and in a non-threatening way explain to her that these are the choices you and FI have made. I’d also mention to her that although you both appreciate her willingness to contribute financially, you would prefer to pay for things yourselves. Plain and simple. If she won’t accept that (which she should if you are firm with her), tell her she can contribute to your Honeymoon fund or something (although, on second thought maybe not because she might try and control that too).  

I’d also like to say that I know some people say/think that whoever pays, makes the decisions – this isn’t always true (and shouldn’t be). My parents are contributing a significant amount of money to our wedding fund and their only stipulation was that we spend the money as we see fit (we could use it for the wedding, honeymoon, downpayment on our house, new furniture, whatever).  

Be Firm. Stand Strong (and together). Be Nice (afterall, she is your FMIL).

My 2 cents.

Bella  

Post # 10
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

Well, there’s not real good way to say, “We don’t want you to contribute anymore”. To avoid a lot confrontation and more drama (you say she’s a drama queen) I’d just not even mention it to her and do as you please going forth. It’s just a subtle way to get her to back off and it’s really just better if a controlling momzilla isn’t informed of a lot of details.

My mother started acting like this at the beginning of my wedding planning (I love my mom and she’s not a drama queen) so in order to nip it in the bud I decided to just not have her involved at all in any decision making process. Of course I didn’t tell her you can’t help me decide… I just starting going on my merry way, figuring things out w/o asking for her input at all or telling her any details of the wedding until after me and FI figured a solution out. It’has worked out great b/c she totally back off from being a crazy momzilla and wedding planning has been much easier. To add to this, my mom IS contributing money toward the wedding. I’m just giving you hope that there is a way to deal with all of this and not alienate people too much. 🙂

 

 

Post # 11
Member
3316 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Perhaps if she insists on contributing financially and you don’t want to give her full reign over any of your events, she can buy you guys a fabulous honeymoon trip?  Smile

Ok, maybe I just have a weird mind, but I would not ask her to pay for the honeymoon.  I just hate to think what she might try to control in that area!

Post # 12
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee

I definitely would have your FI tell her that the two of you are paying for the wedding yourselves.  I’m sure that he will know just how to handle it!  🙂  Happy Planning!

Post # 13
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

It appears to me that she is being incredibly manipulative.  I think you have the right idea by telling her that you will not need her financial assistance.  Best to let your FI do all the talking, but the basic conversation should put a positive spin on it (instead of pointing out that she only offered in order to control all the decisions!):

FI: “Mom, we really appreciate your offer to help us with the wedding, but we have made some great choices thus far, and we would like to decline your offer to pay for half of everything.  We completely appreciate that you were willing to do that for us, but we are comfortable with how we’ve spent our money thus far and we think that we won’t need the help.”
FMIL: “I don’t care if you don’t want the money, I’m paying for HALF.”
FI: “If you end up giving us a financial gift, of course we won’t tell you no or give it back.  But we are going to be paying for the wedding expenses ourselves.”

She can try to argue that, but the undertone of that is you will be making all the decisions about the wedding yourselves, and paying for everything.  If she is truly coming from a generous place (and not being a manipulative witch) then she will give you a financial gift (a check) at the wedding.  Plus having that conversation with her will free the both of you to begin making decisions independent of her “approval.”  I think that you are making a mistake by including her in the decision process at all!  Just make your own decisions then tell her about it after it has been finalized.  Again, if she’s helping to pay to be nice, then it shouldn’t matter that she didn’t get what SHE wanted…it’s about the two of you!

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