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1. Honesty is the best policy. Tell her you just can't afford more shoes. Send her pics of the nude shoes you already have. The ball will be in her court from there.
2. It is my understanding that people participate or "stand up" in a friend's wedding to show their support for their friend's marriage. Not to get a meal. Not to get a party. Getting a meal, gifts, etc. are not payment for standng up. They are simply thank you gifts, that are not required. IMO, no one should be in someone's wedding for the "perks". If that is the reason someone is in a friend's wedding, they should graciously decline the offer.
I'd tell her that you can't afford it.
Also,
@2ndtime: I think the point is that she's asking for a bunch of money to be spent, and she's not taking 'care' of the bridal party or guests much at all. I see it as a proportions thing.
And that is weird. Brides should take care of their friends, imo!
@2ndtime: 1.) I agree, she still has not found the "pair" so hopefully I have some time to figure it out
2.) I agree with you, that thought never crossed my mind that I should expect XYZ.
@Baimee: Thanks for the advice. And yes that was the point my fiend was trying to make, that in return the BM should be treated... for example, she said if that's the case she should pay for our nails or makeup (something like that)
I would take a picture of them, or a picture of them with the dress if you have it yet.
I would also ask her if you could do your own makeup because money is tight; it's my understanding that it's polite to pay for your bridesmaids' makeup and hair if you absolutely need them to have those done professionally, but I wouldn't bring that up to her. Just ask if you can do your own makeup because you can't really afford it.
The dry wedding part without a real meal doesn't really enter into the equation. Whether she was buying you a meal and drinks as a wedding guest or not, you wouldn't be able to afford this. I do understand why you added it, but I think it's not really relevant. You're not being a bad bridesmaid by simply asking if you can do more affordable things; the worst she's going to say is "No, if you can't afford it than don't be in my bridal party." Which would suck but if that's her attitude about it, do you really want to be in her wedding party?
Honestly, if I'm asking my bridal party to buy $220 long dress, get their hair done, get their makeup done, dictate $75 shoes, etc., well, this had better be a pretty formal affair. A cake and punch reception is not formal. There's nothing wrong with it at all, but the rest of it is over the top. Simple weddings are perfectly fine, but then it ALL has to be simple. It's just not fair to the BMs to go all out otherwise.
Even for a very formal wedding, the BM should only be required to buy a dress in her budget. If the bride wants particular shoes, or wants professional hair and makeup, then its on the bride to buy those things.
1. I would just explain to her that you're having trouble financially paying for everything and like you suggested say you have nude heels to wear already. To my mind, if a bride requires makeup (or really even hair) to be done professionally, she should pay for it, but I know others have other thoughts on that.
2. I can see there being some issue with the formality of the event being out of sync with what you're expected to pay for. Kind of like she's happy to go all out when it's on someone else's dime? I do have to say that I traveled to Hawaii for a DW just recently and the bride advised it was just going to be the ceremony and cake and punch afterwards, and I definitely felt that was a long way and a lot of trouble for just that... so some guests very well might feel the same.
Be honest about your financial situation. Even if you did have the money i dont think its necessary to get your make up done. And i think of yor dresses are LONG i dont think the shoes have be identical. If they were short it would be more important but isnt the case! Honesty is the best policy!
@SapphireSun: " Kind of like she's happy to go all out when it's on someone else's dime? "
That's exactly my thought. =/
Shoes and makeup should be a non-issue. I think if she is asking you to get your hair done she should also foot the bill, or let you opt out. If she makes a big deal out of it, she is not that good a friend. Regardless of your financial situation, things like that are not necessary for bridesmaids.
I agree that you should say something to her. She is assuming you have money to spend on her wedding, which isn't fair to do. Just explain that you're not working and money is tight.
1. Definitely talk to her about the shoes--send her photos of your three styles, and tell her she can choose. The option of you buying the pair she specifies is absolutely not on the table. Insisting you buy a specific pair to wear under a floor-length dress is preposterous.
2. You're also totally justified in telling her you cannot afford professional hair and makeup; to demand that of your bridesmaids without paying for it is incredibly rude. I agree with the PP who said it sounds like this woman, while budget-conscious for herself, is perfectly happy to run wild spending other people's money... it's obnoxious and selfish and it reflects poorly on her.
3. While I don't see how she could give you girls a meal at the reception if none of her other guests are getting one, I d*mn well think she should feed you during the day-of prep that you will be involved in. There are a lot of things that aren't "required" but are nonetheless gestures of gratitude and appreciation, and providing a meal for people who have gone out of their way, and considerably out-of-pocket, to be a part of our weddings is the absolute LEAST we brides can do. I have no issue at all with informal, light-refreshment wedding receptions, but for the amount of effort and expense that the OP is going to in order to be a bridesmaid, which I'm assuming will include giving up her full day in advance of the actual wedding in order to help the bride prepare, it would be rude for the bride not to give her a meal as part of her thanks.
This is so wrong, but I would put on the dress, put on my nude heels and then send her a pic asking if the shoes were ok. She'll probably reply she can't see the shoes. To which I would respond, "That's kind of my point."
I would also tell her that unless she is paying for hair and make up, you can't afford to get it done and won't be partaking. Don't make it a discussion, just make it a fact.
If you're lucky, she'll be a bride who can see the light if you confront her (nicely), but you never know with some brides.
Good luck
I agree with all PP, pics will help her visualize the look. Maybe she can find shoes that are similar to the ones you own for the other BMs?
@Kewii: "This is so wrong, but I would put on the dress, put on my nude heels and then send her a pic asking if the shoes were ok. She'll probably reply she can't see the shoes. To which I would respond, "That's kind of my point.""
That is perfect.
talk to her about the shoes. Hopefully she will be okay with you buying shoes you already own. Before I had settled on the shoes we did for my wedding, we were going to be buying black flats and making them into glitter shoes for all the girls, so I was looking for the cheapest thing I could find. I agree as well if she is REQUIRING you to have make up done, she should be offering at least half of that fee. One of my maids suggested having it done, and they're all on board, but I am fine with what they choose either way.
I think Kewii has a great idea about putting on the dress and sending a picture. If it's long, chances are you're only going to see your shoes if she wants a "shoe shot"
Hopefully you get it all staightened out :)
@MidwestBride2012: Totally agree. This sounds like a formal evening wedding not a cake and punch type reception.
I would just be honest and say you have a pair of shoes already that would work & can't afford to spend money on new ones. I agree with others, if she wants you to get your make up done then she should pay.
@MidwestBride2012: I agree 100% with what you said. I couldn't have said it better myself.
I agree that a $220 dress and specific shoes doesn't really sound fitting for a cake & punch reception. It does seem that she's being less than understanding about your money when she's on a tight budget herself. I wouldn't bring those things up, though (even if they are true), I would just tell her, "I have XYZ shoes, here's a picture, will those work?" and hope she's not completely unreasonable. If she is, just be honest and say you can't afford it.\
ETA: I would also tell her you can't afford hair & make up but that you'll do your own and if she wants a certain "look", she can send you a picture and you'll try your best to replicate it.
I kind of want to hit that bride. I agree with other posters--she's budgeting for herself and then is going crazy with other people's money. A cake and punch reception is not formal. Long formal dresses are inappropriate.
Just tell her flat out--you can't afford the shoes, the hair and the makeup. You're a bridesmaid so I am assuming that you are friends. Tell your friend that you can't pay for this. Back out if you must. Don't screw yourself financially for this wedding.
Send her the pics and ask if they will work, if she says no, tell her you simply can't afford the heels she choose.
Again, ask about the makeup and if you can do it explain WHY you want to do it (money reasons).
Finally be prepared to step down. She has a "right" to ask you to spend, although even that's arguable but you have to know when to say "Well, I'm sooo sorry I don't think I can afford it I totally undertand if you want me to step down."
@vmec: The only 'right' the bride has to ask bridesmaids to spend is on the dress. And beforehand, the bride should have asked each maid individually their budget, and adhered to the lowest common denominator.
Shoes, hair and makeup are all extras, and really have little to do with the uniformity of the bridesmaids. She may ask them to wear a shoe in a specific color, and give the option for hair and makeup, but that is it.
@futuremrsfitz18: I simply disagree. Bride can ask for anything but to expect everyone to fulfill is ones mistake.
@futuremrsfitz18: Absolutely agree with you and I believe etiquette does as well :)
@futuremrsfitz18: I agree. I only have one bridesmaid, partly because I can't afford to have more. I want to pay to get her nails done, hair, her shoes, and a gift. Who would want to put added pressure on their friends when they know already that they are on a tight budget?
@futuremrsfitz18: I agree. If a bride is going to require professional hair and make-up she has to pay for them.
Thank you for the help. Just an update... we were at dinner the other night and she mentioned in the bathroom something to the tune of "oh yeah and I will be getting my make up done and she will be there to do all you girls too"
what does that mean? Is she paying for the makeup?
Regarding the shoes, she has not said anything since so I am going to send her a pic of my options... oh and BTW I acutally have a 4th pair I forgot about that would work too!
hopefully she will be reasonable with the shoes, especially if it is a floor length dress! and i suggest talking to her about the makeup, say something like 'oh i hope it's not costing you too much money for our makeup...' and if she says that you are paying for it give her a budget you can spend or offer to do your own. hope it works out, depending on the budget for my wedding, i am planning on buying the dresses for my bridesmaids, and their makeup, flowers etc, they may pay for their shoes, but just cos i will suggest a colour for all their shoes to be then they can choose their own :)
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Thanks for being so helpful on my post about wearing my BM dress one week before the cruise!
I have another problem... I am in 4 weddings in the next 12 months. I swear, everyone got engaged at the same time! ...And I am a grad student with little money. I love all my brides and I am excited for all of them but I just cannot afford everything they are asking :( All the other BM's have a salary job but I am back in school, she knows my situation. I moved to another state for grad school so I will have to travel for 3 of the weddings.
main problem... shoes for one wedding...
The bride is having us pay for dress ($220), shoes, hair, makeup, nails, and travel for bach. party. Originally she said we could wear any nude color heel since our dresses are long we will not see them anyway. A few weeks later she said they have to be peep toe, and more criteria came out. Now she decided she is picking out shoes for us to buy, and they MUST be darker nude, peep toe, full back, platform, non-patent leather and is looking in thr $75 range.
I already have 3 pairs of nude heels! 1.) patent pump (non peep), 1.) patent peep-toe pump (but sling back), and 3.) pump non patent, but has a nude bow on toe.
What do I do? I cannot afford another pair of nude heels! My mom is already helping me pay for the dress. And the dress is long? Should I just tell her I honestly cannot afford another heel (she knows money is tight for me) and send her pics of the 3 and see if any of them are acceptable? I want to please all my brides, the others (so far) just said wear XYZ style/color, you pick. This paricular bride is picking out a specific shoe for us.
Additionally, makeup, should I ask her if I can just do my own makeup? I am fine with getting my hair done because she wants us in up-dos but I can do my own makeup?
**this is not crucial to the story but my one friend brought this up, this will be a dry wedding with no drinking, dancing or no meal.... she thinks it is strange that we are paying all of this money and not even getting a meal out of it except for cake and appetizers (if we get that since we will be taking pics?). What do you think? I hoenstly did not even think about it until my friend brought it up. She also said something about other guests might be perturbed that they bought a $100+ gift but did not get a meal, glass of wine etc..... this is what my friend said not me, just looking for thoughts on this.