Post # 1
I need some help here. The day after our wedding my mom plans to host a brunch only for the bride side of the family and my FI’s mom plans to host a brunch to honor her husband (FI’s step-dad) retiring from the military this year, since all the family will be there. (my mom think it’s really rude that FI’s mom is trying to “squish another event” into our wedding weekend. IMO it’s not super convenient for me, but what can you do, it’s convenient for everyone else and that’s when the family can do it!)
FI’s mom has an extreme tendency to not plan anything very far ahead in advance. I think spontaneity is wonderful, but maybe not on the weekend of our wedding. This is only a problem because I am hoping they can coordinate it so FI and I can go to both events to say goodbye to family who flew in and whatnot. I’m hoping maybe one can have brunch 10-12 and the other 11-1 (I am sorry, maybe this sounds bratty, but I do not want to get out of bed to be somewhere by 9am the first morning of our marriage, I want to be spending some time with my new husband after all that!)
Do you have any idea how I could approach FI’s mom about the time and planning it ahead of time (as in what I should say)? I’m not always the best at wording things.
Post # 2
nawella: Say “Have you decided on a time for the retirement lunch yet? FI and I are hoping we can attend.” If she has not thought about the start time yet, then suggest 11-1 and tell her that would work best for you. Why can’t one of them do dinner or something? I would be annoyed about getting up early for these things too.
Post # 3
nawella: Just tell her you would like to be able to attend both events and if it would be possible to schedule hers at one of the two times you mentioned and that your mom will schedule her event for the other.
Post # 4
nawella: There is nothing whatsoever bratty about a new bride wanting to spend time alone with her husband.
This is why, traditionally, a bride and groom leave from their reception to embark upon their honeymoon alone together, and do not see members of their families or friends until after they return from their honeymoon. Families may host brunch events the next day for their wedding guests, but the bride and groom traditionally do not attend these events. In more modern times, some couples not only attend these morning after events but also serve as the hosts for them. However, there is nothing that requires couples to put in an appearance at any post-wedding events. After all they ARE on their honeymoon, the point of which to to be alone together to enjoy being married.
Since the guest lists for your mother’s event (her family only) and the event being held by your FMIL do not overlap, there should be no problem with both events overlapping or occurring at the same time. You and your husband can very reasonable explain that you won’t be attending either party.
Post # 5
I like the previous two responses. Dictate the time to the hostesses/ moms. Your mom is giving your FMIL crap about having another eventñ but she’s doing the same thing. Only difference the guest of honor is you and not the FFIL.
Post # 6
I think it’s rude that your Mom is hosting for her family only, unless the MOG had already mentioned doing something else for her side beforehand.
Post # 7
Brielle: This. My mom had a day after brunch while my new hubby and i spent a few days at a nice hotel in the country. It was amazing to simply relax with him. I cant imagine having to open presents and/or mingle more after that much chaos for your wedding day.
I would decline BOTH events and do whatever the hell you guys want that day.
Post # 8
Why can’t you guys just have one big brunch as a new family?
Post # 9
housebee: That is an excellent question. I think the moms just want their own events… (because one is a wedding brunch and the other is a retirement brunch) which I think also begged the question- which brunch, if any, would FI’s dad be invited to? Awkward. Maybe we should just have brunch with him alone and then be on our way lol
Swizzle: CurlyCue: Brielle: Wow, this is really validating and making me seriously consider not going at all! I guess I just felt like my cousins set a precedent because they had brunches that they attended and greeted guests at. Did anyone regret/not regret not going to a day after brunch?
Zhabeego: spiffanee: Thank you! That really helps! The other thing is getting it across to her that we can’t really deal with scheduling this the week before our wedding, there will be too much hecticness… any ideas on how to put that?
I actually just talked to FI and he thinks we shouldn’t schedule anything. He thinks we should just show up when we want for however long we want at whatever event… any thoughts on that? (he got that spontaneity gene from his mom lol!)
Thank you all for your help! 🙂
Post # 10
nawella: we had a DW and attended brunch with our guests the day after before they all left later that day. We met up at noon and went jet skiing after. My situation was different. We also paid for the brunch since it was my bday as well.
I would let the moms plan their events and be very non-commital.”Give us the place and time and we will try to make it.” Let your last minute planner FMIL do what she ddoes best. As long as your appearance is a bonus and not a requirement you will be fine and less stressed.
Post # 11
nawella: Its like I was reading about my MIL! 2 weeks before our wedding she came up with this great idea to host a morning after the wedding brunch and asked FI and I about a dozen times to show up (she asked in various way). She even offered to bring our gifts home with her “then we could pop buy the next day to pick them up and say hi to everyone”…she was using our gifts as hostages to get her to go to her brunch!
On the other hand, my parents were hosting my dads out of town friends (about 20 of them) who came to the wedding a very long way but they have known me and been apart of my entire life and mom wanted to just feed them before they drove their 6 hour trip home.
My mom never expected us to show up, we kind of weren’t even invited she assumed we wouldn’t and she took our gifts home and dropped them off to us the afternoon after our wedding and stayed for about 10 minutes.
My MIL on the otherhand had to be told in raised voices by my DH and my FIL to stop asking about this stupid brunch that just occured to her. She was not happy about it at all.
Honestly, don’t commit yourself to anything. DH and I got home at 2am and stayed up late talking about it…we woke up at 11am the next day (start time for MIL brunch) and we were so glad we didn’t commit to anything! It was blissful! MIL has sour grapes but she can go suck on them for all I care!
Post # 12
nawella: What do you mean about you scheduling? Do you mean getting involved with planning the brunch itself or just showing up? If you MIL asks you to help plan, then you just have to say no. “MIL, I’m so sorry, but with the wedding, I just can’t take on any extra things right now. I’m sure whatever you decide will be lovely.” Your FI should also run interference for you here. Remember, and remind her if necessary, this is HER event and only related to your wedding due to timing – it is not one more wedding related event that you are responsible for. If it’s just showing up and if you can get her on board with scheduling her event before or after your Mom’s, then tell her (or better yet, have your FI tell her) that you will briefly pop in for a bit to both events and then you’ll be getting back to your honeymoon. You should tell your mom the same thing. Get there after it’s started, make the rounds with all the guests, thank your respective moms for everything – publicly if possible – then make your excuses as exhausted, giddy newlyweds and beat feet. Everyone will understand.
Post # 13
I agree that the brunch is a newer thing and thst the couple had traditionally headed out on the honeymoon already. Still, in their current form, I’ve never heard of or been invited to a day after brunch that 1) was not in honor of or associated with the wedding itself 2) inclusive of out of town guests from both sides.
I’m curious about why your mothers split things up this way and who came up with the idea first. I can understand your mother being annoyed at FMIL for doing this if FMIL announced she was hosting an event for FIL that competed with the wedding brunch, and I can also see FMIL feeling disrespected if your mother’s plans were never meant to include them. While there are no rules for day after brunches, and you don’t even have to be there, today many couples do attend. I would think the ongoing theme of a wedding weekend is the couple and two families becoming one. This plan doesn’t seem to promote that in spirit.
Post # 14
nawella: could not have cared less. I went through all the stress of planning the wedding for a year that the day after i just laid in bed till noon with my husband, orderd breakfast and took a few walks in the afternoon before dinner. It was incredibly relaxing and we both LOVED it.
Post # 15
My parents hosted brunch for my sisters wedding (as they will mine) and my sister and her DH stopped by for 20 minutes to say hello and eat. That was it. If FI and I wake up early enough to go, we will stop by. If not…oh well!