Weddingbee boards

So my sister is getting married in December.  I have struggled with some negative feelings about the wedding, but I'm trying to push that aside and be a good bridesmaid for her.  She kinda hurt my feelings at my wedding, too, and I've been feeling really bad about it.  The best idea I can come up with on how to get over my negativity is to 100% throw myself into helping her as a bridesmaid.  The problem is, I'm not really sure how to go about it. 

When she and her Fi started planning, I sent them the entire Excel Wedding Workbook my husband and I had created for our wedding.  It had a guest list and addresses, guest tracker, invite/thank you tracker, gift tracker, budget spreadsheets, vendor contact log, etc...  And I spent a little extra time taking out our personal information so it was basically like a blank template for them to just fill out.  I don't think she even looked at it though, and that kinda hurt my feelings, as well.  She said that she just forwarded it on to her Fi because he was the one doing all the planning. 

At one point before my wedding, we were also talking about how her planning was coming along.  She said her FSIL was making their invitations and bridesmaids dresses because it would be cheaper.  I suggested that she buy invite kits because you can get invites for under $1/piece and that she could have BMs buy their own dresses to save money.  She basically told me she was doing it her way, so I just backed off the subject.  Last night I found out that her FSIL picked out BM dresses from a well-known designer for about $150/piece.  Not a ton, but a lot when my sis wants to buy these herself and is on a tight budget. 

I emailed her last night saying the dresses were beautiful and she is really sweet to pay for the dresses by herself.  I also asked about the rest of the bridal party and if there were any plans for her shower or bachelorette yet.  She wrote back saying that all of our sister and her FSIL are BMs (four of us), and a friend of the family is her MOH.  I feel really weird about this because the MOH is a forty year old who has five kids.  She also sells Pampered Chef out of her home, and told my sister that all she can do for the wedding is show up because she's too busy.  My mom said she would throw my sister and her Fi a co-ed shower in August, and my sis's FSIL is supposed to throw them one in her Fi's hometown in November.  No one has said anything about a bachelorette, but her MOH did offer to create a Pampered Chef registry for them for both showers (and she gets the commission).

I feel like my sister is being taken advantage of in many ways.  Her FSIL promised to save her money, and now she's costing her a bunch of money with these BM dresses she picked out.  Plus, she has never been married or even been in a wedding so I seriously doubt that she knows what she's doing.  My sister's MOH isn't giving her any help or attention, except for doing the registry for her which, obviously, she has an ulterior motive for doing.  And none of the other BMs seem interested in traditonal duties like the shower, the bachelorette, etc...

Part of this is probably because I am have wedding regrets, and I am "living vicariously" through her since she is still in the planning stages.  Another part is because my wedding just ended and I am still in planning mode (why else would I be on WB every day?  :)  Part of it is because I really want to help and show her that I'm trying to get over the things she did at my wedding that upset me.  And a bunch of it stems from the fact that I'm angry my sister is being taken advantage of this way.  I just don't know how to help out without seeming like I'm being pushy and her blowing off my suggestions.  Should I just back off, like the rest of the BMs?  Or should I push a little bit to make sure she gets the wedding she deserves?

Thanks, ladies.  You all gave me brilliant advice!  Last night we talked on the phone for about an hour and a half, I feel a bit better about things.  It's tough because she lives in Arizone and I live in Northern CA, but she's coming into town on Sunday, so I think there will be another chance for us to work things out.

Last night's conversation was really good.  I tried to gently suggest some things, like I would to any poster on WB (saying "Could you maybe try this?" instead of "That's not going to work.").  We also kinda bonded over typical planning experiences like wedding nightmares and being told wedding/marriage horror stories by well-meaning relatives. 

I also brought up a few of the things I was worried about.  I told her that I don't want to be overbearing and that if I end up being pushy instead of helpful she needs to tell me.  We talked about her FSIL, and she seems happy with the situation right now, so I just backed off of the topic.  We also talked about her MOH, who I have serious reservations about, but it seems that she doesn't expect her MOH to do anything other than show up for the wedding.  I also let that topic go, and concentrated on other things instead.  One of other topics was the bachelorette party, which she agreed I should plan since no one else has mentioned it.  So, I'm glad I get to help out that way.  Plus, I sent her some pictures and planning links today that I hoped would help her out, and I have volunteered my services to my mom to help with their co-ed shower in August.  So I feel good about being able to help her in a few areas, even though the major issues I just left alone since she seems ok with those situations.

Anyway, once again my biggest thanks to the hive.  Your advice and help is always welcome!

Thanks, doctorgirl!  I really appreciate your words and support.  :)

@ laural - Yeah, I totally understand how older sisters can end up being pushy when they mean to be helpful.  I am number 4 out of 5, so I've had my fair share of well-intentioned sisters pushing their own things on me.  That tendency to direct instead of suggest combined with the other negative feelings I had is why I wanted some advice on how not to do that to my little sister.  Luckliy, we got to talk it out, and I'm trying really hard to let things go instead of pushing my concerns on her.

I think my sis also recognized that I was trying because she shared some things with me that made me feel really good about helping her.  During our conversation, she asked me about wedding nightmares, and I got to reassure her that they happen to everyone and are nothing to worry about.  Plus, we talked about how people sometimes react rudely to wedding announcements, and I was able to share some of the positive things about being newly married instead of concentrating on the negatives.  I don't know if you are open to this, but her interest in hearing my advice about these things made me feel really good.  It might help your sister back off a little, too.  Sometimes we older sisters can get really caught up in helping, but we go about it the wrong way.  And sometimes we little sisters (myself included) have a tendency to become overly defensive when we think someone's just taking over.  I don't know about your relationship, but it felt really nice to be included by my sis, even in some trivial area.  And it was a big step in helping heal our relationship.  :)