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Well, as I was reading, my first inclination was to suggest that you eat a smaller portion before he gets home, but then I read a little further........so, ummm, yeah.
Short of fixing an entirely different girly meal for yourself, while fixing him a manly meal, I don't have much advice. And that's not much for advice, seeing as how you're trying to be less domestic and do less of the cooking.
Sorry, I'm useless.
I'm sure he'd be down for eating vegetarian with you a few times a week. I know that doesn't address all your concerns, but it's a start, right?
@Wonderwoman217: If only! There was one night last week when he came home after 8, and I was like, "Do you want me to heat you up some [leftovers]?" he was like, "No, I'll pick something up on my way home."
What did he bring home? Two cheeseburgers and a filet o fish from McDonalds. Blech! It was so gross, our house stunk for like 3 days :(
@Beluga: True, we probably do one veg meal a week. I still end up eating more than I really want/need though.
I think part of it is that my biggest meal used to be lunch, and now I eat big meals at lunch (when I'm hungriest) AND dinner (when he's hungriest). It's just more food than I need!
:(
I don't know how much this will help you but I'll share our story because it sounds a little similar to yours. Before me, DH ate out for 99% of his meals; the rest was frozen pizzas. I hardly ever ate out and had lost a bit of weight. When we got together we were eating out a lot and the weight piled on me even though I wasn't eating that bad, as well as him (his eating habits did not change, we think his metabolism just stopped dead in its tracks). We eventually calmed down on eating out and started eating at home. Now, I make a lot of our sauces and sneak in veggies wherever possible and always have a veggie or two with dinner. I have been trying to keep up with what DH eats (the size) and I have been trying to catch myself when I start doing that and make an effort to stop.
I also asked DH last year maybe if we would be okay having a meatless day. That did not last but we've picked it up lately and he is the last person that would try anything different. Now we are subbing Morning Star meat in place of beef quiet a bit and he's really branched out on things but we still have our real chicken and stuff.
If you are dead set on cooking his meals instead of letting him fend for himself, can you not cook him something and then you eat your yogurt and sandwhich meat with him at the table so you can have that time? Marriage is compromise and with that you both get what you want.
Try making a variety of types of dinners. You don't have to make meat/starch/veggie followed by apple pie to have a June Cleaver approved meal! ;-)
What about....
salads with fruit and grilled chicken, soup, whole wheat baguettes
chili, cornbread, and baked sweet potatos (MUCH healthier than regular!)
baked quesadillas (fill with cheese, brown in a skillet with no butter, then bake and 300 for 20 min), corn on the cob, and fruit salad
creamy fruit salad (mix 1 cup yogurt with 1/8 cup milk, and a dash of vanilla extract and pour over 2 cups fruit), sugar snap peas, and turkey meatloaf (use ground turkey and it will taste exactly like regular, but MUCH healthier!
Lots of ideas!! I can't think of any more right now, but another suggestion would be to snack throughout the day so you aren't as hungry at dinner. Then, at dinner, drink lots of water and stop eating when you're full. That will help keep your portions down. When you are cooking, follow package directions and measure 1 serving for you and 2-3 for hubs. Use a measuring cup when serving yourself... it's weird, but WORKS.
I fight this battle too... you aren't the only one :)
@daydreamwanderer: I love food and I enjoy eating so much! I am getting older so its time to be aware of what goes in your body and watch my weight. I say enjoy the meal and maybe ask him to take an evening walk with you around the neighborhood to have your personal time.
It sounds like you were being really unhealthy before, to be honest. You weren't eating enough. The weight you put on, if you are in fact eating balanced healthy meals, is probably good for you.
Have you tried spending Sunday afternoon cooking multiple things that can be heated up? That's what I do. I make a soup in the slow cooker (always a healthy, lighter, veggie-rich, sometimes with meat, but sometimes with vegetarian protein). I cook either chicken or beef in a rotating recipe that we both love. I cut up or prep veggies for easy cooking the night of/for adding to a salad. Sometimes I make a lasagna or other freezable dish. That way, I never have to do more than 15 minutes of prep during the week - and my husband and I spend that time on Sunday together cooking and cleaning (and chatting/goofing off)
When I cook for FI I dont eat the same amount as him. I serve myself what I can eat and serve him what he can eat because he has a bigger appetite than me. I'm sure if you reduce your portions that shouldnt be a problem? If you cook meat and veg for him and only eat the veggies, that really shouldnt be a problem either right? Growing up we would all eat at the same table but not everyone always had the same thing on their plate so I'm used to that
I was having the same problem. However, my wonderful cooking started making Kingy gain weight too so now we do nice meals a few times a week and salad wraps a few times a week.
Aw that is hard. I sympathize because my husband is frustratingly the same. I make his lunch every morning because if I don't... he doesn't. Even if I set the stuff out-- he refuses to make his own sandwich. He doesn't guilt me... but he just doesn't take a lunch. Which means he either eats fast food or doesn't eat. And same with dinner... if I don't cook he'll eat something like.... a bag of chips. It is so frustrating!!
So um.. yea i don't have a solution because we're the same lol. I have coped a bit by trying to make easier meals (I used to make more complicated stuff now I"m just like... whatever tacos). If he's really hungry he just eats more. I also stopped caring so much about side dishes. He doesn't really care about them and they take so much time. He's generally perfectly happy to fill up on entree and if I want a side I have a piece of fruit.
Good luck!
@crayfish: I figured someone was going to say that my old way of eating sounds unhealthy. I promise it's not though. I tend to eat a moderate breakfast (the size of a lot of peoples' lunch), a large lunch (like most peoples' dinner) and a small dinner (like most peoples' breakfast). I definitely eat enough, and have always eatten balanced meals. I'm just not hungry in the evenings - I'm hungry during the day!
I think that may be the root of my problem: I'm not hungry at night, but because I've cooked him a big meal, I end up eating more than I want/need, just because I feel like I "should" and because it's in front of me, and he's eating.
Can't you just make yourself a smaller portion of dinner and eat really slowly? Or make yourself a lighter dinner (like a salad?) to have when your husband has his big dinner?
As @crayfish said, what about making meals ahead of time, and separating them into separate portions? That way you can make your portion sizes different, if need be, and you can just reheat/defrost. Also, try having a salad with every meal--that way, it gives you something healthy to eat if you feel like you just need to much, and will hopefully fill you up enough that you don't go overboard with the rest of dinner. Also, preplate your dishes and pack up the leftovers BEFORE you sit down to eat--don't just bring the bowls and platters to the table, because then it's waay too easy to just take another helping even if you don't really need it.
And honestly? Sometimes it's okay to let DH fend for himself! I do that sometimes, and DH has a bowl of cereal or a bag of chips for dinner (he has weird eating habits, lol). And that's okay--I sometimes feel guilty for not "taking care of him" and having a good dinner on the table, but sometimes I"m just not in the mood!
Do you always do meat because he won't eat anything else???
We cook every night and alternate between different kinds of meat, fishes, stir fries, noodles, soups, etc.
Are you forcing yourself to eat a full portion just because he is eating a full portion? Lately I've had as big of an appetite as my husband and before that I use to be half of his. And it's not really a big deal, there'll just be leftovers.
Of if you are tempted to eat it because it's in front of you what about plating out half portions for both of you and he will just have to go back to get seconds?
It also sounds like your diet is suffering from going from a light Chinese diet to a heavy "typical" American diet? Not knowing what you are cooking what about just starch every other night? Throw in a fish/seafood once a week. Did you learn to cook Chinese when you were overseas? Would he be open to that once a week?
@daydreamwanderer: I am similar to you. When my SO moved in together I gained a ton of weight because I would eat the same portion size as him. We cook dinner every night but its not always meat, starch, and veggie. For example, tonight is chicken tostado with avacado salad. I have a big salad first and then a small portion of dinner. This way I can still have dinner time with him, but I am not eating a huge giant meal. I also cook a bunch of food on Sunday and freeze it, so I dont spend every week night cooking. It helps a ton!
Thanks for all the replies :)
It's not always just a slab of meat, a pile of veggies and separate carb, haha; I guess I didn't state that very well. I consider tacos to be meat/veg/starch, because you've got all those things in the meal. Same with like Chinese food (@Gerbera: I probably cook chinese 1x per week).
I do definitely cook to his palatte though; not my own.
I've considered (previously and again now) cooking for him, but not eating the same meal myself, and every time I come back to the same thing - I'm pretty sure that I would get tired of feeling like his personal chef in about 2 days, and he would think it's super weird. He already gets weirded out if I don't eat part of the meal (like if I skip the meat and just eat veggies and brown rice - he asks repeatedly why I'm not eating the meat, if something is wrong, etc. haha and then he ends up eating less because the whole concept seems to freak him out. Mildly amusing, and I guess he would adjust, but ... annoying too).
I've also strongly considered letting him fend for himself, but the time we spend together over dinner is one of the only times we've got each other without distractions. He teaches, so he comes home late and then ends up working on grad school and/or grading all evening.
I feel like I'm in a corner where I have to either give up quality time with my husband or learn to eat like him/risk getting fat. Bleh.
In reality, I probably just need to be better about portion control. Maybe I should buy one of those kitchen scales. :)
I think you're bunching two problems into one.
1st problem = you work full time and don't always feel like making a full meal
2nd problem = you're eating too much of what you do make and gaining weight
Your solution to the first problem has been discussed before, try making meals on Saturday or Sunday that can last through the week. Chicken enchiladas, lasagna, soups, stews, etc. Another idea is crockpotting. SERIOUSLY love my crock pot. I hate mornings and can still manage to wake up the 15 minutes earlier to prep a crockpot meal, when I get home, dinner is done and the house smells awesome! You can do tacos, pulled pork sandwiches, coq au vain, roasts, SO MANY things in the crock pot!
Your second problem is really something a lot of women deal with when in a "new relationship". I totally understand you're married and didn't just meet this guy, but really, it's the same problem. You are eating like your husband and gaining weight. We all do this for a while, typically for me it was in the first dating phase, where you're eating out, drinking beer and wine, and so IN LOVE you don't notice those 5 pounds till they've taken up residence on your ass. :) What I can recommend for you is healthier, lighter lunches. Control the meals you eat alone and lessen your caloric intake in your noon meal. Then at dinner, start with serving yourself half the portion you serve your husband. Look at his plate and look at yours. Make sure it's half. If you're still hungry, get more, if you're full, stop eating.
If you're really making healthy balanced meals with lean protiens and veggies you won't gain much weight. Promise.
Some dinner ideas I fall back on that my husband loves:
Skirt steak marinated all day in a chipoltle sauce, bell peppers, onions, tortillas = steak fajitas (use corn toritllas, serve with black beans)
Ground lowfat turkey browned with soy sauce, Hosion sauce, red garlic sauce, bell peppers, onion, garlic, S&P, shaved carrots, water chestnuts (chopped), served with washed boston or iceburg lettuce = Turkey Lettuce Wraps (can serve with brown or wholegrain rice)
Stir Fry's of any kind.
Crockpot easy dinner = 3lb pork loin, 1 jar BBQ sauce, juice of one orange, one onion chopped, some jalepeno slices if you like spicy. When you get home shred pork with a fork and serve on buns, YUMMY sandwhich night
Grilled BBQ Chicken sando = Two chicken breasts baked with a slather of BBQ sauce, served with a slice of white cheese and balsamic red onion (thick slice red onion sauted with balsamic and a bit of brown sugar), served on a bun.
Easy and impressive healthy dinner = take a full chicken (3-4 pound), rub it with a little olive oil S&P, roast in the oven for 40-60 minutes, till done, sprinkle with lemon juice, serve with roasted veggies (carrots, red potatoes, onions, rosemary sprigs, olive oil, S&P, and a few red pepper flakes roasted in oven for 30 minutes).
I mean, hardly any fat, healthy food that takes little time to prep. Good Luck!
OH! And if your husband ever travels without you for work, etc. do like I do. Make dinner some popcorn and some red wine :)
By the time he gets home I'm usually craving food! :)
i TOTALLY feel you. My FI eats literally every 2 hours, like FULL meals, and he's a stick. I've gained so much weight eating with him! Partially because it's fun to go out to dinner because we can order like 8 things and I can try everything and I know he'll finish it off.
Anyway, if you figure it out, let me know!! Agh.
I completely understand where you're coming from.
My problem is that I eat a lighter lunch because I'm busy at work all day (and eating a heavy lunch in the middle of the day makes me tired), but then I'm STARVING when I get home at 5. He doesn't get home until 7, so by that time I've gotten into something (hopefully something light), but then we try to eat together every night too. Many times I do just have a smaller portion of what he's eating, but I've found it helps to have some frozen meals he likes that are ready to go in case I snack too much and don't want to prepare a meal just for him. We usually have a couple frozen pizzas on hand, and while they're not the healthiest, he loves them and doesn't mind making that when I tell him he's on his own.
He used to eat fast food too, so I rationalize that anything is better than that!
I feel like I could have written this post.
What I've been doing is buying less meat. If we have pork chops I buy 2-3- my husband eats two and I eat a whole one, half of one, or I skip the meat and have a salad with nuts/lunch meat. I also avoid excessive carbs- tonight we're having tarmarind fish with rice- no rice for me and I plan on adding more vegetables to the dish. Eating smaller amounts, taking perricone vitamins, and drinking 2 cups of matcha tea per day has been helping as well.
If you're sick of cooking, take a few nights off a week and a sandwich for the hubs (or better yet, have him make his own) and have your yogurt and lunch meat!
I definitely suggest using one of the kitchen scales. I was doing that for a while when I was on Weight Watchers (I’ve slacked off though, I should start again). I never realized how much meat/starch I was consuming until I started weighing it though.
If you still want to eat the same things as your husband though, try a smaller plate. I’ve been using salad/desert plates instead of regular plates to check the portions of my meal. My FH used to look at me strange when I did that though. So I compromised by dishing out my food on our smaller desert plates then sliding it all onto a dinner plate. This way I wasn’t unconsciously taking more like I used to when I put it directly onto the dinner plate. I get a smaller meal and my FH doesn’t have to wonder why I’m eating off of a different plate.
Another thing that I do to help with portion control is to use a smaller plate like salad plate size for my meal and a normal one for his. Therefore, i eat less and don't feel like I do.
I feel very similar frustrations to yours and I thank my lucky stars that sometimes my DH gets home at a normal time and will make dinner, so it's not me every single night. But I actually prefer our structured balanced meals now as opposed to my single days when I would eat a box of crackers and 1/2 a bottle of wine for dinner. Not healthy. I've actually lost weight eating this way in our coupled life.
I had to teach myself to slow down while eating and be mindful of my portion size though. When I prepare our plates I make sure to only give myself what I know is a normal portion. When DH prepares our plates he just splits all the food 50/50 so I know I can only eat 1/2 of what's on my plate. Then he usually jumps in and finishes it anyway. And luckily my DH is not opposed to healthy meals, in fact, he prefers them. He will often request that I make something healthy if we've been doing bad or eating out.
Ugh, I can completely sympathize!! When I was living alone, I'd make a family-sized portion of some sort of meat (turkey meatloaf, chicken, etc) and then eat SMALL portions of that along with a salad or other veggie. But hubby is programmed to a "if there's not a meat, veggie, AND starch it's not a complete meal" sort of thing. So... naturally, I'll cook that and eat it too. Lately though, I've been trying to cut starches out of our evening meal completely and have more veggies. He's been losing weight, but not me :-/
There seem to be a few issues at play here, most of which you need to talk to your fiance about to come to a solution that works for both of you individiually and as a team. Nevertheless, I am going to proceed to write you a novel in response because this is a bit of a touchy subject for me :).
I'm very much NOT a home-maker (pretty much to the other extreme, which isn't necessarily good either 
), so it seems totally unfair to me that you are responsible for cooking *all* of the meals even though you are now working full-time as well. Even if your husband works later than you, he should have time on the weekends to make at least two meals for the week. If he makes a lasagna or a big crockpot of chili (things that can be stored or frozen and then just reheated), that should cover at least two meals and balance out the labor a little bit. Neither my fiance nor I are big on cooking and we tend to be pretty self-reliant, so we've worked out a system where I cook Monday nights, he cooks Tuesday nights, and we play it by ear the rest of the week. That obviously won't work for everybody, but my point is that you can find something that works for both of you,. The rest of the week, we usually end up cooking together or fending for ourselves.
As for him being famished when he comes home from work, honestly I'm not sure what to say about that. Do you guys have easy snack foods like string cheese, apples and protein/snack bars that he can take with him to work and to eat on the way home? It seems like because of your unemployment, you have fallen into a pattern of taking care of him more than you're comfortable with, but ultimately he is responsible for taking care of himself--eating snacks when he's hungry, not skipping meals at work, etc. You should not feel personally responsible for what he puts into his body. Of course, you care about him (naturally) and want him to be helalthy, but it's not fair that you think of things in terms of "well, if I don't make him dinner, he will either starve or get morbidly obese off of junk food." That puts you in the position of being his mother rather than his partner. I would recommend talking to him about how his choices are affecting you by saying something like "It bothers me that you aren't taking care of yourself by eating regular meals at work. It makes me feel like I have to take care of you and I'm worried that rather than partners, I'm having to mother you which isn't healthy for our relationship." Another alternative (if you want him to have the energy to make a meal for himself or for the both of you after work) is to have a bunch of salad greens and some almonds on hand (or, you know, other healthy appetizer-type things like soup or baked potatoes that he's made over the weekend), so the first thing you guys do when he gets home is whip up (together) a quick snack to sate his hunger.
As for eating too much meat, this to me is simple. Don't cook it if you don't want to eat it! It seems like you're giving him all the control over the meals and yet you're doing all the work! That's not fair. Compromise is a two-way street. Try some vegetarian recipes! If he's not grateful for having a warm meal at the end of the day, then he should be planning the meals. Simple as that.
As for him "taking care of dinner" by picking up fast food: you need to let him know that you don't want him to bring fast food home anymore. Again, this is a partnership. If you don't want McDonald's, ask him not to pick it up! If he *loves* fast food and he's not just being lazy, maybe agree to have one fast food meal a month or something like that. In the future, you may have to ask him what he's planning to pick up for dinner instead of leaving it up to him 100%.
As for worrying that without meal time, you won't have that time to connect every night, why not build intentional partner time into your evening? This doesn't *have* to revolve around food just because that is what is traditionally done. You are building a life together and you can create whatever rituals you like, together! Maybe sit down with a glass of wine while he's eating (or after dinner's over) for a certain amount of time, or spend 20 minutes every evening on the couch with each other with no other distractions. The options are endless!
It sounds to me from what you've described that he has a bit of a weird/unhealthy/disordered relationship with food. I don't understand why he won't eat if you're not eating with him or why he feels the need to guilt you into eating everything on your plate. What bearing does what *you* eat have on what *he* feels comfortable eating? What did he do before you started cooking him meals? Has he always behaved like this? Is he overweight? Self-conscious about eating? Have you told him that his commenting on your eating habits makes you uncomfortable and is unhealthy for you? Did he come from a family where his mother cooked his every meal and/or monitored his eating habits? It sounds like there may be some deeper issues here. Not to make something out of nothing, but if there is something deeper going on here, perhaps he could benefit from a little counseling or at the very least, a bit of soul-searching.
Jeez, sorry for writing a novel! Good luck in shaping your new life together! Merging two separate patterns of behavior is certainly not easy, but you'll find your rhythm in no time at all.
PS. It should be abundantly clear from my post that my fiance is NOT marrying me for my cooking (or cleaning) skills. LOL.
I have a feeling I'll be in the same boat soon .... I was a really into having cereal or yogurt for dinner, but I left my job after our wedding to move to the state he lives in now. Right now, I'm playing housewife while looking for a job, and I love cooking him big meals. What happens when I find a job and get sick of the food? Heh.
Also, one day I cooked him dinner and had cereal for myself and he felt bad. He told me he doesn't expect a meal, and I could tell he was having a difficult time eating a meal that he felt he'd pressured me into making. (which, of course, is not the case) Is this how your husband feels?
I'd say alternate between vegetarian meals and meals he'd like. Maybe try eating a smaller lunch? I don't know if that's helpful, but I'm also curious to finding a solution.
@IAmLemondrop: hahaha...silly, but this may be the best tip I've gotten yet (at very least, one of the few that I hadn't already considered!) I like the idea of using a smaller plate. :)
@mckernae: It's mostly just that I got in the habit of it, so I've kept doing it. I work 7 hours a day (love shortened work hours!) and even the 3 day a week when I work out after work, I'm still home and showered by 6pm; he works 8-9 hours at school, then comes home and has grad work and/or grading - usually 2.5-3 hours a night in combination. He's just waaaaaay busier than I am.
I don't mind the cooking as much as I mind the fact that I'm getting super squishy. :( And you're right, I dictate a lot of what we eat around his preferences, mostly because ... well, I can't really give you a good reason for that. I guess I feel bad making him eat weird "chick food."
He knows better than to bring home fast food for me to eat - the mcDonalds was just him (I had already eaten) but I still find it gross. Hahaha... that's a personal quirk probably.
Finally, no, he isn't as weird about food as I made him sound (although I can see why you would think that, bahahaha...) it's more that he is weird about behavior. You know how, stereotypically, women read way too much into everything? He's like that sometimes. So he thinks if I'm not eating it's because I think I'm fat and I'm starving myself. Despite telling him that I'm not hungry/had a big lunch/don't like steak/whatever.
Also, he feels really weird about me cooking something for him but not eating it myself, because, like you said, I'm his wife - not his mother!
@daydreamwanderer: Ah, thanks for clarifying! In that case, it sounds like these are mostly minor communication issues. First of all, totally don't feel bad about making "weird chick food." I'm willing to bet that he'd gladly eat whatever you make him (esp if it's the first "real meal" he's eaten all day!), and if he hates something he'll let you know.
As for his reading too much into your eating behavior, well that's actually kinda sweet :). I bet you could get past that pretty easily, though, if you sit down and actually have a "real" conversation about it (as in, not in the context of eating a meal). He probably thinks he's being supportive of you and doesn't realize that his comments are negatively affecting you.
RE: him feeling weird about you cooking for him but not eating it yourself, can you cook a big pot of something and freeze it for days that he's hungry but you aren't? That way he can just heat up soup or something without feeling bad about you slaving over a hot stove for him and him alone. Either that, or try talking to him (I'm sensing a theme in my advice, here, haha) seriously about it...letting him know that you're happy to cook for him and you want to help him out but sometimes you're just not hungry. I think he'd probably agree that you shouldn't force yourself to eat when you're not hungry just so he doesn't feel weird--he'd probably feel weirder if he knew you were forcing yourself to eat when you're not hungry, just for his sake!
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Beekeeper
First, I just want to say that my husband in no way pushes me towards the stereotypical feminine/housewife roles. That's not what this post it about. :)
Second, a little background. We were LDR most of our relationship, and then I moved from Asia to America (I'm American) to, you know, be married. I moved back to the States in July, and for the first few months, I didn't have much luck with finding a job. I didn't start working full time until mid-October.
While I wasn't working, I had a lot of time on my hands, and got really bored - so I started playing housewife. I meal planned (for the first time ever, haha) and started making nice balanced meals. Meat, veggies, starch. Every night.
Okay, now to the point: I'm working now, and I'm kind of sick of cooking for us all the time. Not just that, I'm tired of eating these big complete meals every night. I miss living alone (i.e. being "single" - in quotes because a lot of my life while we were LDR really felt like I was single) and eating the way I used to eat.
I find that I eat a lot more, especially meat, with my husband. I used to have meat 1-2x a week; now it's every day. Dinner used to consist of stuff like a yogurt and a piece of sandwich meat.
I've gained so much weight (like 10 pounds in 6 months!) and I think a lot of it is from eating such big dinners (okay, and some of it is because there's SO MUCH JUNK FOOD in America! Holy holiday themed candy, batman!).
My husband, on the other hand, used to eat fast food for dinner every night. Naturally, the introduction of vegetables into his diet means his pants are now falling off. Fabulous.
He works really long hours and there's no way he would cook for himself at the end of the day. Plus he's usually totally famished when he comes home. I would say at least 3 days a week, he skips lunch because he's too busy, so he pretty much doesn't eat all day until dinner. Thus, why I make such huge meals.
I've tried really hard to do portion control, but it's tough when he's eating 2-3x what I am. I wish I could just go back to grazing at dinner time, but I don't want to strand my husband without meals (he won't eat what I've made if I'm not eating with him; I've learned that by trying to get him to eat leftovers if I'm not home, or even if he comes home late and I've already eaten).
I also really don't want to lose the time that we spend talking over dinner. It's one of my favorite parts of the day! But I miss eating like a girl, hahahaha...
Am I being totally irrational? Or is there a solution that I'm just overlooking?
(Sorry for the novel...)