Post # 1
We got some great news right before Christmas that we are due next August! We are thrilled beyond belief and cannot wait to share with our family and friends. However…my BFF has been TTC for over a year and has gone through invitro several times with no results. How do I tell her? She just told me her sister is PG and it was “like a stab in the back.” Plus when I told her we were engaged she never asked to see the ring or said congrats just gave death stares to her boyfriend at the time. I know what she is going through is hard but we are really excited and happy and I really, for once, don’t want to feel her hatred in this happy moment. So how do I tell her?
Post # 3
She’s obviously going through a lot, but honestly.. I wouldn’t consider her a bestfriend if she couldn’t even be happy for your ENGAGEMENT!
Her sister is having a baby and she feels ‘stabbed in the back?’ I sound cold, but although she’s battling a lot, the world doesn’t revolve around her and people will continue to get married and conceive around her. Pushing people away will not help her emotionally, but she will have to figure that out on her own.
I would just be honest and supportive of HER, and if she can’t be happy for you, I honestly wouldn’t try very hard to please her..she seems unpleasable. Plus this is your moment for happiness so dont let someone sour that.
Post # 4
@Vintagekay: Thank you for your reply. I feel guilty that I still feel resentment towards her for her reaction to our engagement. I cannot imagine what it will be like if she acts the same way about this. Your right though. This is something she has to deal with on her own. I have tried before to tell her to be happy where she is. She is always looking for the next step and extremely jealous of those who have achieved it already. 🙁
Post # 5
Plus, I’d like to add that this friend probably isn’t going to help her conception plans if she doesn’t learn to handle the stress and jealousy a bit better.
Post # 6
I would say that you just tell her without stressing too much about it. As in, don’t beat around the bush, just tell her straight up with honesty but also some sensitivity. Yes, she is dealing with her own difficult times but part of being a friend (or sister, ha) is being able to put aside your own feelings to be happy for your friend and show them support.
If she can’t be happy or supportive then she’s not really a true friend at the moment. You may need to limit your relationship with her until she can get over her anger and jealousy at other people.
Post # 7
I would break the news to her through an email or a telephone call, instead of in person. That way, she has time to process the news on her own, and get through any bad feelings she might be having about your news, and not ruin your special time.
I speak from experience. I have a friend who has been through three miscarriages (the last one a week before my wedding), and when I announced my pregnancy to her, her exact words were “I’m so f-ing jealous, I mean… congratulations, but I’m so f-ing jealous”. Needless to say, it soured the moment for me, and the rest of the day didn’t get any better. She proceeded to tell me that she thought she might be pregnant, but hadn’t tested yet, and then talked about the hypothetical future child, completely ignoring the fact that I actually have a real one coming. She wasn’t in fact pregnant, but announced at my shower a few months later that she was.
Post # 8
@baletrina: You may want to post this in the TTC boards. You will get answers from girls who are battling infertility and can understand how painful it is when someone announces their pregnancy.
Did she know that you guys were TTC?
I have been TTC for a year (one year today, actually) and I have 1 friend who is TTC now and another next month. I dread seeing them because I am so scared that they will catch me at a weak moment when they announce. I agree with the PP that this news should be done via email or text, because it is likely that she will cry. Once she gets over it, she will be happy for you, I’m sure. That’s how I would want to hear it.
Post # 9
PS, congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope you have a very happy 9 months! And I think it is soooo nice of you to be considerate of her feelings. <3333
Post # 10
She needs to deal with her own feelings. It is sickening that she would consider her sister’s pregnancy “a stab in the back”. I would most likely re-evaluate my friendship with someone who can’t even be happy for the people in her life. My sister struggled for three years to get pregnant and never acted like that. That is just ugly!
Post # 11
@MrsFuzzyFace: I agree with you, totally. I talked about this generally on another thread, but everyone in life eventually deals with something horrible. For me, my dad got cancer, had an extremely rough two years, and then passed away when I was in college. My 29 year old brother got cancer just a year after my dad passed away. That was a very difficult 3-4 year time period for me, but I *never* bitched to my friends who were having trouble with their own parents with the old “well, at least you have parents” line. Because that would make me a totally sucky, self-involved person.
Likewise, I have a close friend whose parents have BOTH passed away. He doesn’t bring it up at every oppurtunity or act like it’s a “stab in the back” when other people talk about their parents giving them nice things or what-have-you.
Luckily, both of my 2 friends who had trouble conceiving weren’t like this at all. They were totally supportive of all of our friends along the way who got pregnant–even our onw friend who got knocked up from a 1-night-stand. But they are mature, loving ladies who I admire greatly.
Post # 13
@baletrina: i agree with PPs – tell her via email or text so she can react in her own way, and then hopefully she can be happy for you when she sees you next. It may take her a little bit to be ok with it, so when you see her, let her be the one to raise the pregnancy if she wishes.
If she’s anything like me, she’ll be happy for you but really sad for herself, and will be nervous about dealing with her jealousy when she sees you, so let her ease into it. My BFF got pregnant (immediately!) with her second when i’d been trying for 9 months, and it did hurt to hear about it, but she’s been so thoughtful in how she deals with me – and I couldn’t be happier for her 🙂 I’ve now been TTC for 15 months, and am happy to see her progress with her gorgeous 6 month bump, even though on down days, like when i’ve failed for another cycle, it does sting a little bit. She kindly vents to her other pregnant friends about things like morning sickness, knowing that I’d struggle to hear about that 🙂
Your friend sounds a bit immature in the way that she’s dealt with your engagement, so tread carefully – but you should never feel guilty or sorry about your own happy news. I think it’s so lovely that you are asking advice 🙂 And a huge congratulations to you!!!
Post # 14
@ChuckNorris: You are always so nice on these posts, and I’m so sorry you and your DH haven’t had any luck conceiving yet =( I really hope it happens soon!
I agree with this advice about telling her through e-mail, saying that you know this might be hard news for her to hear but that you are very excited and hope it’s her time soon too, so that she has time to react privately and can then hopefully be happy for you, though from the ‘stab in the back’ comment, as well as not being happy for your engagement, I’m not sure that will happen.
Post # 15
@Shosha1: I think I will send her an email or a card. Will give her time to process. And boo hiss towards your friend. Sounds like a thunder stealer!
@ChuckNorris: I thought I did post in TTC. Oops. She does know. We technically are not TTC seriously but I went off BC around my wedding, she knows that. And I shared with her my disappointment when my period was very late. Just my long cycles coming back. Thanks for your kind words! My fingers are crossed for you!
@MrsFuzzyFace: She’s my oldest friend but in all honesty her negative outlook on everything pushes us apart. My sister just had a miscarriage and I know she will be excited for me. Even another friend who has been TTC for 3 years will be happy! Ugh…
@hamikay: @Wonderstruck: Thanks for the comments! I am feeling better about the situation. Was actually dreading this before we even got PG. All this advice is wonderful.
Post # 16
Bees I need a little more help! I have Word open and am ready to type a draft(to be handwritten onto a card) to my friend to be sent out this week. We had a party yesterday and announced to my family and friends and will see DH’s family next weekend. Its going to go live on email/FB next week so I need to tell her now. But of course I have writer’s block and don’t know what to say. What should I say? Here is what I wrote but it sounds harsh to me. HELP!
DH and I want to share with you that we are expecting a baby due in August. I wanted to write this to you so that you would have a chance to deal with the emotions that come along with news like this on your own terms before we see each other. DH, DD and I are all really excited by this and want to share our joy with all of our family and friends. I would appreciate your support and enthusiasm in this as we begin a new chapter in our lives.