Post # 1
i have a friend who has been with her SO for over a year and she is at that stage in her life and relationship where she is getting ready to be engaged and take it to the next step. however, she has not discussed it with her SO. he has made several references to them being together long term, including a comment about her doing her “wifely duties” (joking of course), and sending her emails of houses and condos he wants to live in (with her, perhaps?). her question is (and i am not sure how to help her), how can bring up the idea of marriage in an appropriate manner without coming of as too eager or desperate.
any advice is appreciated!
Post # 3
Are they currently living together? If not, when he sends her emails about apartments/houses, she can always email back “I can’t think about this stuff until I have a ring on my finger.” That might drive the point home.
Post # 4
Does he have any friends who recently got engaged or married? She could mention how she can’t wait to marry the man of her dreams.
Post # 5
@BanditGirl: Agreed… A couple months before my FI and I got engaged, he had talked about how the housing market was a buyer’s market right now & how it’d be awesome to get a house sometime in the next 2 years. He brought it up a couple different times (maybe 2 or 3) and I’m the type to kinda keep quiet while I’m thinking about things if I’m not totally on board with it.
Finally I decided that the next time he brought it up, I was going to tell him that while this wasn’t any pressure, I’m not investing in a house unless there’s a ring on my finger. It’s too much of an investment to make when you aren’t engaged or married, and I wasn’t comfortable making that big of an investment without some sort of higher commitment to our relationship from him. We had never talked about marriage before, and any time our friends brought jokingly brought it up at the end of college, I’d just laugh but he seemed to get awkwarded out, so I just assumed he wasn’t ready, but knew it was heading in that direction & I was fine with waiting. Sure enough, I never got to say that to him, as he proposed a couple months later & had never brought it up between that time!
My FI and I WERE living together in an apt (he moved out here to help me while I’m going to grad school) when he was talking about these things, so I think regardless of whether they’re living together or not, she should just tell him that she’s not trying to pressure him into anything he’s not ready for yet, but that she’s not comfortable investing in something so big when their relationship is still in the dating stage. I’m sure he’s probably planning on proposing if he’s talking about getting a house & joking about wifely duties, but I think an easy way to bring up engagement would be to use the house thing as kind of a starter for that conversation if he brings it up again!
Post # 6
I definately agree with the other posts, if he’s thinking about buying a home she could easily bring up the idea of marriage. Personally, I would NEVER invest in something so large without being engaged or married. But that’s just me. 🙂 I’m surre if he’s thinking about homes and jokes about her wifely duties, that may be his way of telling her that he’s ready and may propose in the near future. 🙂
Post # 7
I don’t necessarily think a proposal is coming in the near future, but he’s definitely thinking about them as a long-term couple.
I would recommend she mention a friend who was recently engaged/married. If she doesn’t know anyone, she could make someone up, or they could watch a movie together in which someone gets engaged/married.
During season 4 of “The Office,” Jim brings up the idea of moving in together to Pam, but Pam tells him she wouldn’t move in with someone without being engaged, first. Jim replies, “oh, have I not proposed to you yet?” and then goes on to say something along the lines of, “well, it’s coming.”
Maybe she could get him to watch it? Hopefully, it would spur some kind of conversation.
Post # 8
@April_Mae: *sigh* I love the office…that moment with Jim and Pam is so cute!
I agree with above posters – I think the topic of co-habitating is an easy way to broach the topic of getting engaged. If the guy is willing to talk about living together, one would hope he’s at least thinking a little bit into the future.
Post # 9
I read How to act like a ladt but think like a man by Steve Harvey going into my relationship. You may laugh but it helped me to lay the ground work for what I wanted right from the start. I let my FI know what my future plan were from the first month and he knew what my standards were and followed suit. I think what your future intentions are should be brought up at any point when you feel secure in your relationship.
Post # 10
I’m gonna go with the good ol’ “So where do you see our relationship going?”
I don’t think that a year is a very long time to be together before getting engaged (I’m not saying that it wouldn’t work out…just noting that perhaps her SO hasn’t brought it up because he shares this mindset). If she can ask him where he sees their relationship heading, she’ll be able to get a better grasp of his timeline.
Post # 11
@BanditGirl: agreed. I started talking about buying a house about a year before we got engaged, and my FI told me that he wanted to buy it with me. I told him I couldn’t talk about that until we were engaged, but then I just totally laid off the house/engagement talk. That was the first and last time I ever used the e-word. Within a few months I knew he was planning so I just let him do his thing and he proposed on our next vacation. 🙂
Post # 12
I’m a big fan of couples openly saying exactly what it is that they want from their relationships. If you can’t even say that much to him, are you really ready to be engaged to marry him? *shrug* Just my opinion.
Post # 13
i agree with what the above Bees have posted. for me, when my then boyfriend said he wanted to give me keys to his house and i move in i flat out said “not without a ring on my finger” and that opened up the topic and we both knew exactly where we stood/what was expected
Post # 14
girl have given great advice- tell your friend good luck and invite her over while she is waiting
Post # 15
@armychica06: lol, i wish i could invite her over – but i just moved over to the other side of the country for my internship!
i like that some of you have said that she can use another friend who is engaged/getting married to start the conversation. that would be me! and i have told her that the week of my wedding they should at least talk about their potential wedding one day! unless he decides to propose to her that week! i am getting married in Jamaica and this friend of mine and her SO are both coming.