Post # 1
Hey, I’m new here.
Here’s my question: how did you/would you bring up the engagement timeline with your SO?
Some quick bits about my situation:
-my SO is very thoughtful and considerate; he liked to plan and think things through carefully.
-my SO is busy and rather stressed at the moment and not sleeping well.
-For the above reasons I do not want to pressure him about a timeline.
However, I am now at a stage where I want to discuss timelines without making him feel like I’m putting him on the spot.
I love SO very much, we see each other every day (each live separately). SO’s friend is in a band who he has said on a number of occassions “I want them to play at a wedding in the future” whilst raising eyebrows at me. Or someone bumped into him one day and said “where’s your wife?” and he said “I haven’t got one…yet”…he told me about this the other day making much emphasis on the yet and he squeezed my hand. The question is not “if” but when”. SO is very clear on the desire to marry as we have discussed houses, babies (“we will need a spare room for kids”) etc but the actualy “when” has never been discussed. I guess I am a wimp because I do not want to be seen as a nag…
So, how did you first bring up the actual timeline discussion? Or i you haven’t yet, how did you envisage doing so? As I said earlier, SO is rather stressed atthe moment soI want to choose the way to say it carefully without added undue stress.
Post # 3
It is obviously an important thing for you, and I think you can talk about important stuff like that to your boyfriend. You could start by just mentionning the nice comments he made lately and how that made you think that you would like to discuss something more concrete, like if he sees the first step (the engagement) being in the near future. Now make sure you give examples, (before the end of the summer/this year, before an important event in your lives, etc), because our guys’ definitions of “near” future are often unbeliably diffrent from ours lol
When I talked to mine about timelines back in December, it didn’t go too well, because I thought he was going to propose on our second anniversary and when it didn’t happen, I kind of was really sad the days after and when he asked me what was wrong, I was full of disappointment, I felt ridiculous and embarrassed, and anyway it came out all wrong… But we talked a lot about it in the following months, and anyway, he is now ready (it is strange how they need months to think about it and become ready. No idea what they do during that time to get ready. And to think that we women are expected to say yes at a surprise proposal, even if we had no idea! Talk about double standards lol) But now I know he is going to ask soon, and we bought a ring and we even picked a proposal date together (I can’t stand the idea of not participating in this huge decision, and he came up with that compromise, since he still wants to do a proposal lol).
I would just wait on a day when you know he slept a bit better. That might help. But it is an important subject, and you are in your right to discuss it with him! You are both concerned 🙂
Post # 4
Oh by the way, welcome to the hive 😉
Post # 5
- Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo
I was sat down and he sat next to me, he could tell I was nervous and asked what was wrong. I sort of stammered if he had thought about ma
rriage at all XD he did essentially say yes but wouldn’t give anymore details.
It’d probably be good to be a bit more firm than I was, I didn’t know what I was expecting really – your BF is bringing it up unlike mine which can only be good. I think that starting with something like ‘i was wondering. ..’ ‘i was thinking about… ‘ is good because then iit’s not an ‘i want’ statement – that’s where you might come across as demanding.
If there are any days where he’ll be less stressed it might be good to wait till then but it’d be best not to make a big thing about it. Perhaps while you’re snuggled up watching some TV would be a good time to throw something like ‘hey, you’ve been talking about marriage a lot recently, I was wondering if it could really be a possibility for us?’ out there. Just keep it light and unpressured, if he’s unresponsive or gruff then I’d suggest dropping it for a while, it’s still fairly early days and he’s probably not ready. If he is responsive – great, and that would be your opportunity to take the conversation further by asking for a rough time line :3
It’ll probably seem quite scary, I was certainly nervous, so you might try to build yourself up for talking about it and then back down (i still do this). It’s important that you feel comfortable if not confident entering into this kind of conversation so just take things slow, if you back down there’ll be other opportunities, maybe better ones.
Anyway, best of luck to you 🙂 hope it goes well x
Post # 6
I did things sort of different…
I wrote him a poem, and to make a long story short found a way to bring it up in the poem…I always express myself and how I am feeling better through poetry. And like you, I thought it would sound less like I was nagging, so I did it that way
The thing is, he took it as a proposal, and so did everyone else that read it, so be careful if you go that route, lol! He said yes which is great but he wanted to buy me a ring first before we made it official- hes been saving since February, so we’re almost there.
The whole point I guess is that I was only trying to bring up a discussion about it, not ask him to marry me, but I chose my words wrong…kind of glad it happened that way though, because it still got him thinking about starting the process and saving for an official engagement.
Post # 7
Thanks everyone, and for the welcome.
I agree with you all; to bring it up, and to do it in a gentle way one non-stressful day. I’m just a wimp 😛 I actually asked him out in the first place so I know that the proposal must come from him, in his eyes. Our 1 year anniversary passed 2 months ago and I was half hoping it would be then, but alas no! he he.
It’s now nice weather-wise so we are finding more opportunities to walk around and talk in the beautiful countryside; it’s only a matter of time before we have that talk I suppose.
Thank you for sharing your timeline conversations 🙂
Post # 8
I had my first timeline talk with SO about a year ago. These are the replies I got for help and how it turned out for me: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/marriage-conversation-starters#axzz2V7IjUcrc
In a nutshell: he had been joking around and making random comments regarding friends getting married, dating for long enough, kids, etc. so one night I basically said “we’ve been joking around a lot about this one topic, and I think we should actually talk about it directly. Do you have any idea what I’m talking about?” And he did, so then we talked about it. Still kind of broadly, but I got some conrete information, the biggest piece of which was that first he wanted to move out, and once he’d settle in then would come engagement. So as I mentioned, it’s been almost a year, and he’s hoping to move out this summer. So we’ll see if the timeline holds…
Post # 9
@emmrr3: SO and I had been together for 5 years when I first decided that we needed to have a concrete timeline talk. Ever since 1 year together, we only talked about “someday” type of things. Basically, I said that I wanted to be with him forever….he’s the only person I want to be with etc etc and we started talking about marriage in the “someday” sense. Then, I bascially just asked him what his thoughts were? Did he see us getting engaged in 1 year? 2 years? 3 years? At the time, he didn’t really give me much of an answer, but it did open the discussion up in the future, and I think he started thinking about when he wanted it to happen as well.
I think a good way to have your first talk about it is to basically just see where he is. See how receptive he is to talking about it. I do think that you should give your opinion on things as well, but maybe more in the next conversation you have. You don’t want to bombard him with too much. Don’t be upset if the first conversation about things don’t go over as smoothly as you’d like.
If he seems turned off by the timeline idea, tell him you respect that he’d want to make it a “surprise,” but you’d like to know where/ when he see’s the releationship going because it’s a big decision, and you should be part of it as well.
Post # 10
Well, still no clear timeline but we got close.
Last night: I watched SO do his hobby volunteer job (a guard on a heritage train) and I was very proud of him (he wears a uniform too!). Afterwards in the car, I said, “you were excellent Mr Railway-type-man” (SO and I always mess around with wording, one of our geeky ongoing jokes). He replied “well you are equally excellent Mrs…er Miss…”. I said “oooh, what was that?” (with ironic eyebrow lift!) and he said “errr that wasn’t exactly a slip up”… to which I grinned. Then he went shy and said, “Miss for now”. But later, when bidding good night and leaving me at my home (live separately), he mentioned how long we’d been together.
In all: I know he thinks of it often and people are starting to ask (we’ve been together 14 months of seeing each other every day). He is thoughtful and I just have to be patient in the knowledge that he is a planner rather than impulsive. He is or will be thinking the engagement and marriage through carefully.
I’m just wondering now how to bring up to him that my best friend from uni got engaged today, without him thinking I am bringing it up in light of yesterday. I don’t want to pressure him, especially as his parents, my parents, our mutual friends are all starting to ask him.
Post # 11
@emmrr3: just say your friend got engaged and leave out the googly eyes. Be matter of fact. Or don’t bring it up at all, if it doesn’t make a difference to him.
Post # 12
@emmrr3: mine was the same as soupir, who posted. I had been expecting a proposal on a romantic weekend away in nov. same thing I was quite sad and upset and I kinda just blurted it out that I thought a proposal was coming. He told me that financially he wasn’t ready yet. A month later he brought it up over dinner that we would be married within 2 years. So that’s kinda my timeline. Not sure how concrete it is but hey!
Just some background my SO has been saying marraigey type stuff since we met, we’ll be together 3 years in August. My best friend is with her SO 10 months and he’s said things to her like ” when we’re married” ” I can’t wait to be engaged to you” etc etc. They had a chat last week and he said it will be another couple of years. He wants them to live together first for a year or two but he’s not ready to move in yet. She thought it was coming within the next 6-9 months.
like a lot of other bees said to me, guys can get excited that they know they want to marry us and say marraigey type stuff but there could still be a longish wait for the actual proposal!
my SO is a slow mover too And big on planning!
If I were you I would just casually mention your timelines and let him work to that. So you could say oh I’d like to be married by the time i’n whatever age. Or mention about your friends. You could say ” wow it takes 18 months to plan a wedding according to so and so” obviously do this where it makes sense, like if you see something weddingy etc. its less confrontational than a sit down time-line chat and it sounds like from your post you don’t want that pressure on your SO. you can feel out the situation by his responses to those comments. if he ignores them he’s prob not ready for a full on chat but if he responds at least you know he’s very interested too!
Post # 13
Thanks, this makes sense to me. My friend who got engaged today actually just tagged me and another friend in FB. The other firned got married last year, and the tagging friend got engaged today: she put “Two down, one to go :P” which will be seen by everyone, woops! I think it feels right to bring up timelines with SO in relaxed comments as opposed to a specific chat. I guess I’ll be more at ease once we’ve acertained the genreal timescale. It seems from other threads on the Bee that sometimes it takes a series of conversations to tie down an agreed timeline so I’m gonna relax a bit.
Post # 14
@emmrr3: I waited for DH to bring it up. Unless you’ve been together for 2+ years, I think it’s best just to wait for the BF to bring it up!
And I would definitely wait until he’s not stressed out and he’s sleeping well again!
Post # 15
I worked my way backwards. We always talked about getting married and having kids so naturally I asked him how old he wanted to be when we had our first child? He said by 30 he would be ready. Then I asked him how long he wanted us to be married before that and so on. I told him I liked a longer engagement (1.5 – 2 years) and I also knew he wanted to live with me before we got engaged. It all just kind of came together. We realized that our engagement would likely happen in the year 2012. and it did! 🙂
good luck and keep us posted!