How to bring up wedding plans to parent who sees you as their LITTLE girl?

posted 3 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 3
757 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@lovelee1:  I feel like the issue becomes a real issue if you also act/agree you’re too young.  It’s about how you present yourslef, and how you show that you’re mature enough.  For my parents, it was the fact that I’m financially independent, I live in my own apartment, and I’ve been making smart career/money choices ever since.  I’ve lived independently for five years (since I was 21).  Every family is different, so you have to think about if you’re showing that to them (if that makes sense??).  If you are – then, it’s your mom’s problem and not yours.  I’m sure she’ll be very happy for you either way.


Edit: When I mean “you have to think abotu if you’re showing that to them”, I mean, in the terms of your own family.  For my family, the example I gave applied.  Your familiy (and other bee families) this may be totally different.

Post # 4
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I was 22 when I got engaged, 23 when I got married. My Dad was ready to marry me off! He loves DH.

But accept that you’ll always be their baby, and assert your independence. You’ve graduated and you work a real job. It’s a hard balance!

Post # 5
3355 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

both my parents still think of me as their little girl, but DH took them out to dinner and asked for their blessing. They expected it, so it wasn’t any huge fuss at all.

Engaged at 22.5, married just shy of 23.

Post # 6
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@lovelee1:  I totally have the same issue with my parents, although I’m the oldest, so it’s more trail-blazing being the issue than being the baby of the family. More of it has been that my mom doesn’t trust my judgment and tells me what to do a lot. Basically I have learned to include her in the planning at some times but not others. I have also had to learn to be much more assertive with her. Getting married can be a great time to change relationship dynamics and shift into being an adult daughter! I am actually thinking about going to psychotherapy just for help with ways that I can be more assertive and adult when dealing with my parents and make it clear to them that I am an adult. If that is a possibility for you I highly suggest it! If you’re in college you probably have a college counseling center with free/inexpensive counseling!

Post # 9
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@lovelee1:  My FMIL still sees FI as her little boy so it took a lot of discussions and us plowing ahead in planning. It helped that we both stated, didnt ask for thoughts, that we were getting engaged. I know it helped both her and my parents to see that we were making good finacial choices and were firm in our decision to get married. We knew after a few months of us dating that marriage was going to happen and that we were going to be happiest once we finally tied the knot. 

Post # 11
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@lovelee1:  I was in the same boat, super nervous about my mum’s reaction. 

We had a family dinner and I brought up my plans to continue studying etc and then eventually lead into discussion about my relationship with FI, our future together and then that he asked me.

I think that was important for my mum to hear to make sure she knew that I had plans to continue studying, build my career etc and that I wasnt going to get married, have babies and forget about my career.

Maybe you should approach it in a similar way so that they see you have a life plan and aren’t just a little girl jumping into something without thinking it through?

Honestly I think they will surprise you by being really happy for you.

Congratulations btw! x

Post # 12
2057 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia

Congratulations! Your mother would be over the moon, as I would imagine, since you have been together for 6 years with your FI.

Mothers will always see their daughters as their “little” girl. Well, my mother always does. I turned 29 a fortnight ago and my ma still treats me like I’m 5 — irregardless that FI and I have been financially independent and taking off in our careers. Wedding planning has been somewhat easy-going for my FI and I; it’s my mother, however, that worries more than I do — i.e. she wants it to be perfect; etc etc, asking 10 questions in a minute. She had different ideas and wants to invite all her friends and extended families (whom I don’t even know) and preferred a wedding that neither FI nor myself envisioned .. until I realize that I cannot and will not make her happy by making myself miserable (and resentful).

There’s no real way about it other than thanking Mom for her honest advice/opinion. Do what makes you happy, but she should be the first to know! (Or she will be very hurt) If she were to shut you down, you could poke fun at your mother, “Aren’t you the very least excited or are you just sad to see this baby go?”

Humour… usually diffuses an awkward mother-daughter situation.

Post # 13
980 posts
Busy bee

I’m in the same boat ATM. I’m the only child and have never lived out of home. Wile my parents love my SO, I know they will be sad and nervous to let me go. Even though my mum and I have very open communication getting to the subject and saying that yes, we are looking to get married is proving to be harder than I thought it would be. Especially considering he hasn’t “officially” proposed. 

ETA the humour Cynderbug suggested sounds like an excellent plan if things go wrong!


Post # 15
980 posts
Busy bee

@lovelee1:  Oh wow, good luck to you! At least you can team up together and present and strong team. I hope it all goes well.

Post # 16
757 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@lovelee1:  but that’s exactly what I mean. You’re in school making a smart career choice so that you will have a stable future. That’s very grown up at 22

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