Post # 1
Okay bees… This is going to be long so please bear with me! I’m just wondering if other bees have faced this situation or if you have any advice for me…
My FI and I usually see eye to eye on things. Sure, we bicker over stupid things like what color rugs to get and who’s turn it is to do the dishes, but on the big things… such as religious beliefs, kids, finances, etc… we might not always agree, but are always able to reach a compromise.
As we begin to talk more about our future together, there is one hot button issue that we just can’t agree on. Where to settle down. We currently rent an apartment in FI’s hometown and are talking about buying a home together after the wedding. I went to undergrad here, met FI and just never left. We live 3 hours away from my parents and 10 minutes away from his. Neither of us want to purchase property here. This area has the highest property taxes in the country and we are not interested in settling down here permanently.
FI HATES winter with a diehard passion. I don’t know how to put any more emphasis on this or I would. He wants to move south where the weather is nicer, taxes are lower and property is more reasonably priced.
I want to move up north near my parents. Sure the weather is worse and the taxes are the same, but property is PLENTY cheaper then where we are now.
He refuses. He won’t even entertain the idea. And it’s almost entirely because of the weather. I think this is absurd. When I think about having kids and not having my parents around, it breaks my heart. When I think about moving even farther away from my family then I already am, it breaks my heart.
I don’t really know what to do. I feel like we are in a stalemate. My desire to be near my parents is as strong as his desire to move south. I honestly don’t know how we can compromise on this one. FI is really good at avoiding things he doesn’t want to talk about. He tells me that it’s still too far away for us to worry about. I can’t stop thinking about it though and I feel like the more we put it off the worse it’s going to be.
Does anyone have any advice? I feel like I’ve hit a brick wall and I don’t know how to climb over this one!!
Post # 3
I think it’s still too soon to worry… I agree with your FI.
Honestly, we live 3,000 miles and 2,500 miles from our parents – we see them plenty, airfares are cheaper than ever.
I never thought DH would ever want to leave the region we live in… and although I’m more of a nomadic type, I figured it wasn’t such a big deal to me – so I never argued it. Surprisingly enough, a month or so ago he mentioned that he’d be interested in moving to the SW (which I love!) as he’s grown tired of being in CA for 10 years.
So, people will surprise you… and one of you is bound to have a change of heart. If not, like I said – airfare is cheap!
Post # 5
This may not be an option, but are your parents in any position to possible move south to be closer to you?
My dad’s job uprooted him, my mom, and I from New York all the way down to Dallas, Texas – and some of our family moved to Texas after us to be closer.
Just an idea!
Post # 6
So his only reason to move down South is the weather and the taxes? Do either of you have any other connections there?
Would either of your careers dictate a better region to live in over another?
In terms of living near or far from family, I’ve lived far away from extended family growing up and now immediate family as an adult, but I do understand that when you have your heart set on something it’s hard to see it any other way. For me, I’m set on retiring back in my home state in the historic house I grew up in. FI isn’t totally sold on the idea yet, but for that stage of life, at least we still have some time on that one.
Post # 7
i understand wanting to be near your parents when you have kids (free childcare!), but you don’t have kids yet, right? you could always move away, then move back before or after having kids.
you also have to take both of your jobs into account – where is there a market for them? you could apply for a job near your parents, and dh could apply for a job somewhere in the south, and wherever the better paying job is could be where you go.
you can’t exactly compromise on this issue, but one of you is bound to have a change of heart and realize this isn’t a battle worth fighting till the death!
Post # 8
Have either of you started looking for jobs yet? The economy is rough in many parts of the south.
Post # 9
As someone who is absolutely miserable in the cold I think I’d have to side with your FI. I get completely depressed in the winter and I only live in the mountains of Virginia. If I was forced to live somewhere colder I would be miserable for months at a time and would make FI miserable by extension. And it would be completely out of my control.
Family is important but you can still have a good relationship with your family without being in the same town.
Post # 10
I like R.Elliott’s idea. Talk to your parents and see if they would be willing to move with you. This might work well ESPECIALLY if they are retired or are close to retiring.
I hate when people aren’t willing to compromise even a little bit. Tell him you’ll pay for snow removal so he will never have to do it?
Post # 11
Honestly – I think you are trying to plan your life too far in advance. Your FI is right – you don’t need to be worrying about this yet,
You really have no way to plan where your lives and jobs may take you over the next few years. That may be farther north, that may be south, or that may be moving no where. Who knows! You just kind of have to roll with the punches and take those changes as they come. You can’t really try to plan them before they occur.
And to ease fears of living farther from family – DH and I live a 13 hour drive from his parents and a 16 hour drive from my parents and we get to see both families multiple times a year. You don’t have to live within an hour or two to see family.
Post # 12
@VagabondGurl: Oh my, I could never live that far from my family! Haha, I am such a homebody…. I’m not really worried about the expense of traveling home, but more about when we start a family. I would hate only seeing my family on holidays or long weekends… I want them to be around when we raise our kids and be actively involved in their lives. *sigh* Maybe he will have a change of heart one day….
@R.Elliott: Nope. We’ve been trying. My parents are both pretty established in their jobs. They’ve worked hard for what they have and they are not ready to leave it yet. They are not close to retiring yet either as another poster mentioned. FI and I are in a much better position to move.
@jenter: Nope. 0 connections. No friends, no family, no job connections. Both of us are flexible on where we can live in regards to our careers.
@kitzy: We’re planning on having kids right after getting married, so no time to really move around unfortunately.
@LGenz: We both have jobs, but are not tied to them and are both interested in leaving the places we are with now.
Maybe this will sound silly… but I DO have a great relationship with my parents and I see them about once a month. We see FI’s parents 3 times a week. I’m almost jealous of his parents. I wish I could see my parents that often… I already feel like we live too far away from them, it hurts to think about moving farther away. My mom lives right near her sister and all my dad’s family live 15 minutes away from each other. I want that kind of life for me and my family-to-be.
Haha, but I guess I am alone in feeling this way?
Post # 13
I can understand thinking/worrying about it now and wanting to plan. I am the same way. I can even understand thinking about buying a house near your parents for when you have kids even if that isn’t for awhile. Nowadays you need to plan on staying in the house you buy for more than short term so you have to think about what you want in the future.
My FI and I are looking at buying a house and even though kids aren’t in the picture for awhile we are considering a good location to my parents. My FI works for the hospital so we are also looking for a house that is close to all the local ones for when/if he transfers to another one.
At the start of our relationship though my FI wanted to live in the city and I didn’t. In the end I said, I wanted to live in the burbs but it’s more important that we live near his job since at some point I will probably be a stay at home or work part time somewhere. He brings home more money and my job is just ok. Then he wanted to move North which I hated. I started doing research how the schools were bad. But he really likes the hospital there so he drove me around to look at houses. I realized there were good and bad areas in the North and I felt comfortable we’d live in the better area. Basically our future is revolving in that way.
Where we have left it is location to a job is more important, then my parents. I have stated where I would like to live and hope that agrees with one or more of those locations.
P.S. When my FI wanted to live North, I talked my parents into moving that way. My mom said her plan is to retire and become a full time grandkid watcher so she had no problem with that.
Post # 14
This is a tough one. FI really dislikes the cold. I dont think he HATES it like your FI seeing as to how we ended up buying a home and will settle in the Northeast. Logically, he made sense. He wanted to move to TX where his immediate famliy is where there is – WAAAAAY cheaper NICE big houses for half the price- Much lower taxes- So much warmer- No state income tax…- cost of living is so much lower we’d been able to fly back up here to visit with out any problems
OMG, what was I thinking! Instead we’re in a Mass paying through the nose for our house, in a city with crazy taxes, freezing our ass off cause it cost so much to heat the house…. but, I am still close to my family. It was that important for me to be close to my family that he was ok with giving up being close to his family and all the perks that went with it.
I think simply HATING the cold should not be the final determining factor. Family is so much more important than a season – to me at least. Flying home a few times a year for a weekend or what not will not be the same. Especially when you have children, and need a quick babysitter, or you want the grandparents to be a part of their life and see them grow up… and not a stranger that visits every few months.
Post # 15
@TinyTina:I think you’re totally right thinking about this now. Of course you want to know where you are going to live and especially if its an issue between the two of you its best to talk about it now. And I totally get your point about moving away from your family. I’m not that close to my parents but I am to my sister. I moved 3 hours away from her a couple months ago and its already killing me, I couldn’t imagine living any farther. In my opinion living near your families is more important than not liking the cold and I wouldn’t give up on it.
Post # 16
I moved to st louis to be near DH’s family. I wouldn’t call it a compromise, but i bended to his desires. There are months we go without seeing them and I wish we lived somewhere nicer/warmer, etc. I live 4 hours away from my folks though and don’t see the big deal.
You could always compromise by moving south for a few years and then coming back when you have kids. I know quite a few people who have done this.