Weddingbee boards

Hi, I’m a wedding bee user posting under a new account for more anonymity.  I apologize now for the length of this post.

I recently found out that my inlaws have been bullying my fiancé into pulling money from my checking account behind my back (approximately $300 over the last 3 weeks).  They knew quite well that this was not OK with me, but they continually pressured him to do so.  They encouraged my fiancé to effectively steal from me so that they could use the stolen money.  They planned to deposit the money back into my account at a later date, once my future MIL gets her first paycheck from her new job. 

I have talked to my fiancé about it, and have basically straightened stuff out with him.  However, I am not sure how to confront his parents about this.  I have dealt with a lot of financial bullshit with them over the years, helping to support their son’s expenses in college so that he could send his money home to them.  Over the last 5 years, they have easily gotten $20,000 from either my fiancé, myself, or my parents.  During this time, my FI and I were full-time college students in very demanding degree programs.  We still helped to support them by working multiple jobs, even when we were in school!

But at least then, the money was knowingly given.  I may have been pressured, but I still had a choice.  Going behind my back is the final straw.  I want his parents out of my life, if not permanently than for at least the next several months.  I’m tempted to give back all the gifts they have given me -- including my engagement ring, which was a gift from my FMIL.

For perspective, here is a bit of background on these people:

My fiance’s family used to be very wealthy, but due to changes in the economy combined with personal problems of my future FIL (manic depression, alcohol abuse, agoraphobia), they have fallen on rough times.  They initially lived off of their savings, but they depleted everything, and are now on the verge of losing their house.  FFIL, who had always been self-employed, has not made any money in over a decade.  FMIL rejoined the workforce a couple years ago, but she has been unable to find a steady long-term job, due to many of the companies she works for shutting down.  Both of them have filed for bankruptcy multiple times in the last several years. 

My fiancé had a difficult upbringing with them.  They were borderline abusive during his early childhood, but the financial problems seemed to bring some sense to their priorities.  FFIL stopped drinking.  They united as a family and the abusive behavior stopped. When I first met them five years ago, I found them to be warm, wonderful people.  Friends, who have known the family for years, also commented on the positive change.  In the first 4.5 years of our relationship, I thought they were wonderful.  Financial problems aside, I viewed them as my dream inlaws.  I knew they were struggling with money, but I was willing to help them, because they were so kind to me.  They were my family; how could I not help them?

But all of that changed when I moved in with them after graduating.  My fiancé and I had hoped that by moving in with them, we would have a cheap place to live while we looked for work.  The first few weeks were great, but then it went downhill.  Both his parents were unemployed at the time.  His mom would accept odd jobs as they came, but that was only a couple hundred dollars a month.  I used the last of my savings combined with the money my parents gave me to support the household, paying for food, gas, phone service and internet.

A couple months later, the electricity was turned off.  Turns out they hadn’t been paying their utilities in years.  My parents had drastically reduced my monthly allowance from $1500+ to $400.  It was no longer enough to support the household.  I said that I could not pay the electricity.  I proposed we live without electricity for a few weeks, going to the nearby library as needed.  We could use my money for food and restart the electricity once someone got a job.

When my FFIL found out about this, he went ballistic and kicked me out of the house.  I do not want to repeat the things he said to me, but they were incredibly hurtful.  My FMIL was very kind to me during this period, however, and I was quite grateful to her.   

Since moving out, things have gone up for me.  I was able to find a new place to live nearby for free in exchange for housework, and I recently started my dream job.  I felt terrible leaving my fiancé with them (no food in the house, no utilities, etc), but there was nothing more I could do.  I didn’t have the money to get him a place elsewhere, and he was unemployed.  Thankfully, he just got offered his dream job as well.  We are planning to move back in with each other later this month.

As hurt as I was from my FFIL’s actions, if you had asked me just a couple weeks ago, I would have told you that I was starting to feel like I could let these people into my life again.  Now I’m not so sure.  I know the money was pulled from my account so my FMIL could buy gas to get to her new job.  I know they intended to refund the money, and that they ultimately want to pay everything back with generous interest.  But I didn’t consent to those funds being taken.  I was never even asked!  I agreed to let them use my car (after they sold theirs for extra cash), and I even agreed to pay insurance on it, knowing they couldn’t afford it.  But I did not agree to pay for gas.

They won’t go on welfare, because they hate the concept.  They won’t go to churches or food banks, because they think other people need it more.  But they will steal from me! 

@FutureMrsCassar: Thanks.  I appreciate the commendation.  I feel like all of this is a heavy weight to bear, especially on two young adults who are only 23 and 24 and are just beginning to gain their own financial independence.  Luckily, my parents are incredibly supportive.  I've even made arrangements with my parents to pay them back for all the money they sent over the summer.  They told me it was a gift, but I feel like I need to begin to repay them for all this BS.  It will take a long time, but I need it for my peace of mind. 

I see your point regarding children.  I'd thought a lot about that myself, and it's why I tried to leave things open with them.  But more and more, I find myself uneasy about letting my kids around them.  Finances aside, there's the history of abuse....

@ everyone:  I'd already planned on never living with them or getting involved with them financially ever again.  In fact, I had sincerely attempted to cut things off from my fiance's parents when I was kicked out of the house.  Clearly, it didn't work.  That's where a lot of my anger is stemming from.  When we move out, we're taking back my car.

While I appreciate the concern regarding my relationship with my fiancé, I'm really looking for advice on how to address my inlaws.  I don’t want this to turn into a bash my fiancé thread.  I realize now that I shouldn't have left my fiancé on my account, but I wanted him to have access to emergency money so that he could get food when the household was out.  I should have created a small savings account for him instead, or gotten him a public transit pass to get to job interviews/food banks/etc.  Once I found out what happened, he voluntarily shredded his card, and removed his name from the account.  I’ve verified this myself.  He’s getting his first paycheck tonight.  He knows he’s on his own for now.

I know my fiancé and I have many long talks ahead of us regarding how we will handle his parents and their finances.  I do feel that we have been making good headway on this issue over the last several months.  He's fed up with them as well -- more so than I am.  But I know firsthand how hard it is to say no to his parents when you are living in that house; I lived through it myself.  I understand his dilemma.  That doesn’t make things OK, but it does mean that I can forgive him.  He is my partner.  I know that whatever we do, we have to be a team.  Harping on him won’t help.  Calmly figuring out how to work together to cut his parents off will. For now, we just need help figuring out how to address them and whether we should cut them out of our lives completely or just financially.  

I feel so bad.  He’d hated them for years, and I encouraged him to love them again.  I encouraged him to give them his savings because they were his family, and family is what matters.  Now I understand why he hated them so much when we first met.  He’d begun to love and forgive them, but I’m not sure that I can anymore.

@Shosha1: How can I forgive him and be more mad at them?  Because I lived with them myself.  They're extremely difficult to refuse.  It's a household with no food, no money for gas, etc.  It's hard to say, "Mom, I understand you will lose your job, but no, you cannot have money for gas."  Especially when such an answer indirectly meant that he wouldn't get food either, because he was still looking for work at the time.

His parents knew it was not OK with me to give them more money.  They pressured him multiple times a day into doing it and then used the stolen funds.  I can work stuff out with my partner.  I just don't know how to work stuff out with his parents.  If they needed money for transit, it was their business to contact me.  I could have bought them a public transit card to share so they could get to work and get back on their feet.  I do not wish these people ill.  I just want them to be honest with me.  Especially my FMIL.  I trusted her; she was the voice of reason against my FFIL's hurtful behavior.  Her betrayal hurts most of all.

They don't really live an expensive lifestyle.  I've lived with them -- their only potentially frivolous expense is phone service, and even that is borderline given the particulars of their lifestyle.

The big problem is that it's taken them over a decade to realize that a stable source of income is a necessity, i.e. that they need a guaranteed monthly paycheck.  The other big problem is that they refuse to accept and government welfare or private charity.  They're nearing the age to accept social security, but they won't go on that either.

@Ill Be Mrs B: I'm saying it was stolen, because the entire sum of money in the account was my own.  None of it was my fiance's.  He was on the account for emergency purposes only.  Yes, he is an authorized user on the account, but none of the money was his.

I still feel like a lot of people are missing the point of this thread.  I started it because I don’t know how to approach my inlaws, not because I need advice on the stuff with my fiancé.  That said, I am grateful for all the concern -- especially from strangers -- and I would like to address it a bit more.

I'm not saying that I'm not upset with my fiancé.  When I first found out, I was livid.  I still am acutely aware of the incredible breach of trust.  I’m very glad that we have a long engagement (the date listed is not correct) to work this out.  Believe it or not, my fiancé and I have actually been talking for the last couple months about how we would want to do our finances together once we were employed.   The recent events have definitely intensified that discussion, for good and for bad.  (Mostly for good I would say).

I’ve made it clear to him that we need to collectively cut them off financially, and that if he ever sends  them any money behind my back again (his or my own, since our finances are joint), it will result in an end to our relationship, because I will no longer be able to trust him.  However, I have also encouraged him to maintain a personal relationship with his parents, if he so wishes.  I don’t think it’s fair to tell him that he can’t see them anymore.  I, on the other hand, am considering asking not to have any contact with them for the next few months.

My fiancé has been quite agreeable to all of this.  He has openly admitted his fault in what happened and is utterly disgusted with himself.   I offered to create a small joint account for money to send to his parents, and he doesn’t even want to do that anymore.  He wants them completely out of his life as far as money is concerned so that he can make our financial stability his priority.  He now realizes how even giving them money from his own separate savings would still create a financial burden elsewhere.

My inlaws, on the other hand, insist that they are entirely guiltless in what happened.  As a rather young person, I am not accustomed to standing up to older people, especially parents.  I am concerned about the following scenarios: 1) being too harsh and severing ties completely, potentially for the rest of our lives 2) turning into a crying baby 3) being a pushover

I know that I need to be firm and assertive, but beyond that, I'm completely lost.  I'm not very good with confrontation, especially confronting people who I view as having power over me.  At least I'll have my fiance to help me.

@JulesSchnooks: Um, yeah.  I know.  I know it's a long thread, so it's easy to miss things, but if you read through all my posts, I have previously said that I removed him from the account.  I also have posts describing how he has admitted responsibility for the substantial role he played in the recent events.  It's not that I think what he did was acceptable....quite the contrary.  It's just not the issue I'm looking for advice on.  Sorry, I really don't mean to be snarky.  I know tone doesn't come across well online.

Repeated comments to the effect of "he needs to admit it's his fault" or "remove him from the account," just address things I already know and have dealt with (or am dealing with).  Talking to his parents, on the other hand, I am lost on.  Wow that's a lot of clauses ending with prepositions, but I am too emotionally exhausted to care right now!  :)

@Pinkpinstripes and hisgoosiegirl:  Thanks for answering the main question of my post.  I think you may be right that cutting his parents out of my life entirely may be the healthiest thing for now.  I see now that they have continued to be abusive, just in a different way than when my fiance was a child.  But if I do cut them from my life, do I give back my engagement ring?  It was a gift from his mother.  It's not especially valuable (semiprecious stones), but it feels sickening to be wearing it when things are so bad between all of us.

@JulesSchnooks: Oh, I guess you edited your post and added some stuff!  My bad.  Thanks for the all the added comments!  I really appreciate it.  I get free anonymous counseling services from my work (for me and my family/friends!) so I definetely plan on seeking their advice on this issue.

@JulesSchnooks: Nice!  I miss having pets.  Heh, I just hyper-edit my posts.

@PinkPinstripes:  Ah yes, regarding the ring.  I know exactly what you mean.  Yeah, that probably doesn't make sense.  For explanation, I was actually given two rings - one a gift from her to my fiance to give to me.  The other was a pinky ring specifically given from her as a gift to me.  For the purposes of this thread, I'd kind of merged them into one.  I really love them both.  They're authentic art deco pieces.  I'd dreamt of having an engagement ring from that period since I was about 12 years old.  I definitely think of my fiance when looking at the rings, but I think about his family too.  For a year, I wore them with pride, as a symbol to remind me not only of my fiance's love but of his parents' love as well.

My parents understood that the money they were sending was supporting the household, but it became a strain on them after a couple months.  I actually specifically asked them to cut down the amount they were sending me, because I felt so bad about the strain it was putting on them, and because I knew it was just enabling my future inlaws.  Needless to say, that made future FIL really angry when he found out I was getting less money.

My parents were livid when I was kicked out of the house.  (Incidentally, I only had 5 hours to get out.  Seriously, WTF?)  My parents were tempted to fly out hundreds of miles to get me, but I asked them to leave it to me, and I managed OK without them.  As I said before, my future MIL was actually very helpful during this time, driving me a couple hundred miles to be with my fiancé who was staying with friends out of town.

My parents are less upset than I am regarding the most recent events, but they have given some helpful advice.  They still really like my fiancé, but obviously they have some concerns and are encouraging us to set healthy boundaries.  They’ve really been remarkably supportive throughout this entire dark period in our lives.  They’ve helped me stay on my feet while I looked for a job, and now that I have one, I’ve made plans to pay them back for the money they sent.  They didn’t ask for it, but I feel like my thanks isn’t nearly enough.  They never deserved this BS.  

Overall, this experience has shown me how lucky I am to have such great parents.  (I wasn’t a wild teenager at all, but I was definitely a disrespectful one, and I feel very guilty for that now).  I’m glad to be making them proud now, though – first by finding a creative way to live far away from home for free so as not to be a burden on them and second by finding the perfect job to help me achieve my rather ambitious career goals.  

Can I say again how perfect it is?  Despite all the negativity in my life over these last few months, I really feel that things are improving.  I'd seriously debated homelessness, but I avoided it.  My fiancé and I know we have a lot of stuff to deal with.  After spending the last five years each working 20-30 hours a week as full-time students (sometimes as much as 80hrs/week each on breaks), we're looking forward to spending some time relaxing and focusing on ourselves and our relationship instead of fixing stuff for everyone around us.

@village_skeptic: It was a good novel.  I appreciate it.  :)  I think I'll have more to say later, but I'm pretty tired.  For now, my main comment is that I'm so glad that myself, my fiance, and his parents are all entitled to free counseling service through my work. 

To all the bees --

Thank you.  Just organzing my thoughts on all of this and getting feedback has been incredibly helpful.  I've only told my parents and a couple very close friends about all of this.  Keeping it in these last 5 years has been incredibly difficult, especially as stuff has come to a head over the last few months.  I value the comments from each and every one of you, truly.  (Even the off topic ones.)  I'm happy to receive more advice as it comes, but I just wanted to thank those of you who have commented thus far.  :)

Goodnight.