How to convince FI to write our own vows

posted 3 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 3
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@mrsdfarrar6714:  ask the officiant to help him?  i wasnt going to write ours but she told us to. she suggested doing it in the form of a letter, maybe that will help him get going?  

Post # 4
Member
1248 posts
Bumble bee

commenting to follow!!! I’m trying to convince my FI that personal vows are the way to go too!

Post # 5
Member
3928 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@mrsdfarrar6714:   Can you extract lines from the four pages you have, and ask him to use those as a rough draft, and go from there?

Post # 7
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Won’t he be nervous either way??

Can you comprimise and write them together? That way isn’t not a nerve-wracking surprise, and he knows he won’t say anything that will offend you.
Plenty of people do this – your vows do not have to be some giant secret to be unveiled at one of the most important moments of your life.

He can also pick and choose lines from the letter he wrote you, if he likes.

My FI is using a website called The Plunge to help him write his vows. I am not allowed to look at it per his request (haha) but I think this is the link:
http://www.theplunge.com/weddingplanning/how-the-groom-should-write-his-wedding-vows/?tag=ceremony#.UuA2Xzgo4Ss
(don’t click the woman figure if it asks you your gender – it sends you right to pinterest!!)
It is a very VERY practical article (apart from the dude humor), apparently. My FI told me that it makes the case that if you aren’t comfortable with it, don’t write them. And I agree with that – a wedding ceremony should be something that makes both the bride and the groom comfortable.
But on the flip side, I find the whole process to be a bit uncomfortable (how can you NOT be nervous) so that logic goes a bit out the window when you’re up there swearing eternal love to each other.

But anyway, FI is writing his own vows (and he is nervous) and he finds the website useful.
He also called dibs on having my English-masters student / teacher of a sister review/ proofread his vows (she’s reviewing mine as well, to make sure they don’t totally clash)

Post # 8
Member
919 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

All our guests said our wedding ceremony was one of the most memorable they’ve witnessed and I think it is strongly because of our personal vows! It was my favorite part of the ceremony too. We got lots of compliments!

Post # 9
Member
1428 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rosehill Community Center

Are you going to each write your own and keep them secret until the wedding?  That is a lot tougher than collaborating, we found.  Keeping them similar lengths, similar levels of formality…  it was hard.

My husband isn’t much of a writer, he doesn’t express himself very well that way, but I really wanted to do our own vows.  We used Mrs. Jam’s (I think that’s right…) outline, and had a couple weeks to work on it.  In the end, I had written 3 or 4 drafts, and he hadn’t written any.  He tried really hard, and put one together last minute, but he also didn’t like the pressure and the idea of saying such personal, intimate things in front of everyone.  So we decided to sort of combine ours/ write them together, and that was much easier.  We both said the same vows, essentially, but we both had input, and writing them was actually a really nice memory.  It was personal, but not too personal.  

So maybe if you work on them together, it might be easier/less scary for him?  In the end, I am REALLY glad we didn’t write our own separately, not just for the cohesiveness, but for the time we spent writing them together.  

Post # 10
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@mrsdfarrar6714:  I don’t think it’s something that should be forced on someone if they aren’t comfortable with it.

Instead, why don’t you guys write your own unique vows together?  My husband and I took bits and pieces from all the traditional vows to make it our own.  So, we both recited the same thing but they were tailored to us and our relationship.

Post # 11
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@mrsdfarrar6714:  personally, I’m not a fan of personal vows. Mostly because they’re not vows at all but a lot of gushing about how much the couple loves each other. It’s squirm worthy for the witnesses. To me, the traditional vows are perfect and say what needs to be said. 

Most of all though, the wedding isn’t just about you. Why would you want to start your marriage strong arming your husband into doing something he doesn’t want to do?

Post # 12
Member
3360 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@mrsdfarrar6714:  I’ll second @MrsWBS‘s suggestion – could you compromise and write a set of vows together?  This is what we did, as the “personal letter” type vows just seemed like something very private that we didn’t want to share in front of everyone.  As a compromise, we did actually write letters to each other (and continue to each year for our anniversary), and we wrote vows together that were based off of more traditional vows but really captured the commitment we felt we were making to one another.

Post # 13
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I have the opposite problem!  My FI wants us to write our own vows,  even though he says he will definitely cry when reading them.   I am on the fence on whether to write our own or go with standard.    hmm

Post # 14
Member
1266 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

As someone who would never want to write and read vows I’ve written, I think you need to compromise on this one.  I’m a very private person when it comes to my emotions, so having to read something that personal in front of tons of people would result in me crying too much to even get through them.

How about you two write something together that someone else does as a reading?  Since he wrote you a proposal letter, I’m sure he’ll write you a letter the day of our wedding – would that be enough?

Post # 15
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

We both wrote vows, and traded them the night before the wedding! Then said the standard Church ones at the ceremony.

Post # 16
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@mrsdfarrar6714:  OK– so I was the one who was too nervous/scared to write our own vows.  Like I really couldn’t do it.  My husband didn’t need to convince me– it wasn’t that I didn’t want to– it was that I truly *couldn’t*.  (Note:  I could barely walk down the aisle– I am definitely an introvert, and literally ran and stood facing a corner, shaking my hands right before I walked– people were turned around and wondering where I was LOL)– 

but we also didn’t want to use staight up run of the mill vows.  So, as “unromantic” as they might sound, my husband wrote our vows for us.  He wrote them both, and I read them beforehand.  I didn’t end up making any changes because he did such a wonderful job.

I know that this might not be what a lot of women want to do– but remember- he wrote you four pages when you got enagaged.  That was a private moment.  Not everyone easily shares those personal thoughts with an audience, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you (not that that was in question- I’m just saying!)


 

I thought I was going to be able to write my own vows, and only learned when we got closer and the pressure was on that I was going to fold.  My husband knows I love him, and how I feel about him– so he did this as a gesture towards me– so that we could have semi-personalized vows, but without forcing the pressure on me.  He already knew how nervous I was.  I also had a very hard month before the wedding– a health scare which reuired multiple DRs appointment and a few tests, I got sick THE week before– my seamstress ripped my dress (but she was stil amazing), and we got an annoying RSVP 2 weeks before the wedding LOL

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