Post # 1
I am/was a regular bee going anon because I am having the toughest time coping with cancelling my wedding 2 weeks ago today. It was necessary as I found out my FI was hiding things from me and it became way too much. We were supposed to get married in May. Of course there are more details to this but I’m trying not to make this ridiculously long and drawn out.
I believe and give 100% transparency and respect and to find out that my FI was hiding things from me became too much to bear. To make a long story short over the past couple of months (since September) my FI did 3 things that I felt betrayed our relationship and my trust.
In September my FI decided to confide in an ex about the problems we were having even though this chic was trying to get with him while we were together. The explanation was that they were really good friends and he didn’t have anyone to talk to so when this person hit him up he decided to have a talk. WTF? Blow #1.
In November FI decided to invite an old friend (strictly platonic) who had something negative to say about me to a surprise party for his elder family member and not discuss this with me first. This was a person (who is a friend of FI, not family member) we have had heated discussions about because I don’t tolerate disrespect on ANY level so for this person to be invited without even discussing it with me first was another blow and really pissed me off. In the end FI told friend that the party was cancelled which I didn’t agree with because I said I had no problem not attending if I didn’t feel like being around this person. Blow #2.
2 Mondays ago FI goes to meet up with another friend who caused a lot of drama in FI’s life before I came into the picture and our life as a couple. What pissed me off is that FI hid the fact that they meet up with him and only told me the day AFTER it happened. What’s worse is we JUST finished our first pre-marital counseling session and I’m thinking we are headed in a positive direction only to find out more stuff is being hidden from me. Blow #3
Now to some this may seem trivial but to me it is painful because I share EVERYTHING with FI and all I can think is if this kind of stuff is being hidden from me, what else is also being hidden? It boils down to trust and FI has made me question it. We have had really intense conversations about it and I feel like FI is finally starting to get where I’m coming from. And even though the wedding was cancelled I’m still ready to move forward, get married at a later time and I’m ready to discuss new plans for the wedding.
We are continuing with weekly counseling and I am confident that we will be even better than we were before and its killing me not to be able to move forward with wedding plans. I am overly in love and definitely want to marry him but having wedding discussions seem to be completely off the table for FI which bothers the hell out of me.
Am I crazy for wanting to move forward and discuss plans?
Post # 3
@FracturedHeart: Don’t go into something if you’re having doubts about anything. Don’t do it, it’s a lot easier(easier in the sense of laws, not your emotions) to break something off before the wedding than to ignore all these red flags and go into a marriage only to break that off 6 months later.
Keep your head held high, you will get through this but I wouldn’t continue with him unless you saw serious changes in his behaviour.
I would also say, that maybe therapy alone could work as well, it’s nice to have an unbiased opinion about the happenings in one’s life especially when it comes to love and relationships.
Post # 4
To me none of these issues seem very major; personally if I was your FI I wouldn’t really be happy with you telling me who I can and can’t spend time with unless there was a REALLY good reason, and I don’t think those meet that standard. However, you are right to call off the wedding if you have any doubts whatsoever, it’s best not to go into a marriage unless you are truly 100% sure which obviously you aren’t. If you are interesting in salvaging the relationship then counselling is probably a great idea, because it sounds like there may be issues that both of you need to work on.
Post # 5
I mean…. you have to do what you feel is best for you, but none of that is really earth shatteringly huge. Lying is not good of course, but he’s probably lying to you because of your inappropriate reactions. Trying to control who he can talk to, who he can hang out with will blow up in your face every time and I hope you are prepared to take responsbility for your actions and don’t pin it all on him. If he feels he can’t be open with you because you will freak out and forbid things that you have no business trying to control then yes he’s going to hide things from you. Honestly? You are lucky he even wants to try and work things out with YOU, not the other way around.
Post # 6
I also agree in complete honesty, but is there a reason why your fiance isn’t telling you these things? Would you have reacted negatively? Would you have demanded he didn’t go/couldn’t see a person/couldn’t talk to a person? If so, maybe that’s why he’s not talking to you.
I agree that him not telling you things if you both have agreed to 100% transparency isn’t the right thing to do, but there seems to be a much more important internal problem going on here, and my suspicion is communication.
in my relationship…. the issues you listed wouldn’t be “call off the marriage” worthy. They would definitely merit discussion, but I wouldn’t call off a wedding because of them. We have total transparency and if he suddenly started withholding things from me, I’d question why. I have zero issues with him talking to exes or people he doesn’t like. I think marital problems should stay internal, but sometimes we just need someone to vent to or get an outsiders perspective. I’ve vented to my bestie before to get her advice, so I can’t say that I’d shun my husband for this one when I’m guilty of it, too.
If you don’t think this is right, don’t do it. But I think you two need to work on communication before stepping forward.
Post # 7
I can’t say I blame your FI for not wanting to talk about future wedding plans. You called off the wedding, that’s probably a big shock to him, and its hard to adjust to that all of sudden, so to expect him to be eager to discuss a wedding at a future date is unreasonable. In all honesty, I don’t know if I could ever more forward and plan a wedding with someone who cancelled the first one (not trying to blame you here). I’d just be too afraid they would cancel it again, or that we really shouldn’t be getting married at all.
Post # 8
@FracturedHeart: Not really although I don’t think things will change that dramatically. These issues all seem to focus on his relationships with people you are not nuts about. He may prefer to do as he likes and not confront you and I kind of understand that. Although I am sure most of the Bee disagrees with me, it is really very hard to be independent your whole life and then suddenly have to answer to another person about the people with whom you stay in contact. I am not disagreeing that your spouse is the most important person, I am just pointing out that it is far more difficult than most people realize. I don’t know if any of the reasons you mentioned is reason to break up completely.
Post # 9
You just CANCELLED the wedding. Of course he doesn’t want to talk about future wedding plans….
Post # 10
I feel that there are so many different types of people that want different types of relationships. You want one in which the parters share everything. He wants one that is not as involved. One of you has to switch sides for it to work and i dont think its going to happen,. You both deserve to be in a relationship with someone who has the same idea of what a relationship should entail. Hopefully the counseling you are going to will help but personally, I would move on.
Good luck, OP
Edited b/c I failed to read that you are together still. I thought you had broken up as you cancelled the wedding. Since it is cancelled, I would stop planning until you decide to have the weeding again. As I syated before, I would end the relationship and move on.
Post # 11
I agree with many of the other bees here… It seems like there’s a communication barrier that might be why your FI is not telling you things. I had a boyfriend in college who would hide a lot from me. Every time I would find out, my reaction would get worse. I’d yell more, and create larger “consequences” to his actions. That only lead to him creating bigger lies for not such big things. Not saying you’re to blame at all…but at least in my experience, it is a two-way path that can turn into a vicious cycle.
I think it’s great that you two are talking about moving forward and making new plans for a wedding. But I would encourage you to continue with the counseling.
Like someone else said, it’s better to find out now if you can really be together in a strong relationship then after you’re married. So just follow your heart and keep talking to each other. Good luck to you!!
Post # 12
@FracturedHeart: With the exception of #1 (because I don’t think someone should share their marital affairs with a friend, especially one who wanted to “get with him” at one point), it sounds to me like you really just don’t like some of the people in his life, and if it were up to you, he wouldn’t have anything to do with them. Sounds like you want to keep him away from these people, and that probably bothers him to the point where, as long as you aren’t directly involved, he feels it is ok to hang out with them.
People are going to be mean, disrespectful, and piss you off in life, but if you ban all these people from FI’s life because you don’t like them you are only going to end up pushing him farther away in the end. Continue counseling with him, and I hope you both can resolve these issues. In the end, I am glad you still plan on getting married someday because these issues aren’t worth calling off a wedding.
And honestly, you called off your wedding…I don’t blame him for not wanting to discuss plans going forward right now.
Post # 13
Why do you not like his friends and why do they not like you? There has to be some explaination here. Why can’t everyone just get along? I’m confused.
Post # 15
@FracturedHeart: You have to do what’s right for you, but I tend to agree with the bees who have said none of that seems that terrible. While you may be very transparent, you have to understand that not everyone thinks that way. His neglecting to tell you certain things may not be because he’s trying to hide something from you; it may just be because he doesn’t consider whatever it is to be important. Not everyone is an open book. It sounds like you wish he would change and become more transparent, but have you stopped to consider whether he wishes you would change? Marriage is about compromise…it can’t just be your way or else. Counseling is a great way to go, but at some point, you have to come to terms with the fact that you need to trust him, which includes trusting that he will tell you when something is important.
Post # 16
@FracturedHeart: wow the first one would make me grade A certifiably pissed off….hope you stay strong.