Post # 1
After everything that has happened I feel like I am more ready for children than I thought I was. I seriously want to start trying again soonish. Like, in the next couple months. Maybe my hormones are still out of whack but still. Mr. Hedgie on the other hand? He doesn’t even want to begin trying for atleasta year and a half… at the absolute earliest. The thought of having to wait that long honestly kills me. When he told me I cried… It was pathetic. We have always been in slightly different places. I was ready to marry him sooner than he was ready. I was ready to move in together sooner. It isn’t like we don’t want these things. He just has lists that he wants to get trhough before moving onto the next “big thing”. I get it. I do. I was more patient with moving in together and getting married. But this? I don’t know how I am going to deal. Did/does anybody else feel this way? It is honestly really difficult. Everywhere I look I see pregnant women, babies, or baby things. I work with kids every day. I am honestly having a tough time with this. I keep telling myself it is just the hormones…
Post # 3
@Mrs Hedgehog: I am so sorry hun. Perhaps you and he could go talk to someone. A neutral party will listen to both of you and help you weigh out the choice. Sometimes, a neutral person makes a world of difference when things are so emotional that it is hard to get to the root of the issue. You are obviously both on different pages, but are there reasons he wants to wait?
Post # 4
I would give it some time. Before you went through everything you went through you were on the same page as him. You may just be having an emotional reaction while you sort through everything that’s happened. Give him six months and then approach the subject again. If you still feel the same way, talk to him and come to a compromise.
Post # 5
My DH said he felt this way and then his timeline changed. We didn’t get pregnant as soon as I wanted to, but we also didn’t wait as long as he had initially thought either. I know how heartbreaking it can feel to be on different pages about children… I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this too.
Post # 6
It sounds like he is still processing what happened. I would definitely say it would be a HUGE help to talk with a counselor at a family planning center. Not only to deal with your loss, but to come up with a realistic solution to having children that both of you are on board with. I know you had mentioned not being financially ready to start having children, is this a major concern?
I’ve been thinking about you a lot actually, I hope you are both doing well.
Post # 7
@Mrs Hedgehog: I’m so sorry for everything you’ve gone through. For us, we were similar in that I was always ready for things before DH. I wanted to get married sooner, and I wanted babies ASAP. What really helped me was having rational (not always easy) conversations with him about why he wanted to wait.
For the most part with DH it’s about having enough $$ to be comfortable. I’m more of a ‘we’ll figure it out as we go’ type, and he’s the ‘money better be in the bank first’ type. So through our discussions, we came to the conclusion that he’s never going to be prepared mentally to pull the trigger and say “I want to be a daddy” (he’s just to nervous for that) but he’d feel comfortable starting when we reached a certain financial goal. So I then had a tangible goal to reach and was able to focus all my baby wanting energy on that. It was also good for DH because as he saw the bank accounts changing gradually, he was able to work himself up to being ready to start TTC.
So I guess what I’m saying is try and find out exactly what it is your Mr wants to wait for, and then see if there is a way to set an acheivable goal that works as a compromise (sp?) for both of you.
Post # 8
@Moose1209: I agree with this. Ms. Hadgehog – I would try giving it 6 months or so to really process everything you both have gone through recently. If you still feel like you want to pursue TTC at that point, have another talk with Mr. Hedgehog. Maybe ultimately both of you can compromise on your ideal timeframes a bit and TTC at a point you are both a bit more comfortable with.
Post # 9
*hugs* I was in a similar situation as you many years ago. It was so hard–we were nowhere near ready then. We are closer now but still not so much. My baby fever hit hard after that happened, and has since ebbed but I get flashes every now and again. I throw all my mom-instincts onto our hound.
You are adjusting to a different vision of yourself–one in which being a mom is more of a reality than you previously thought. And it’s hard when you feel like you have to go back to what you were before. Don’t feel bad.
If you think it is best to wait, then just remember a year and a half, or even two years, will go by quicker than you think. If you don’t, then it’s ok to take your thoughts to your husband. Or to any listening ear, I talked to a counselor and it helped.
Post # 10
We didn’t think we were financially ready but a few weeks ago we were forced to sit down and look at everything. Turns out we are more financially prepared than we thought. He wants a full time job and be done with school. 150% understandable. I want that too. But he will be done in 2 months and already has some job offers. He also wants 35,000 in savings. We currently have 25,000 and I don’t see how that extra 10,000 of “emergency money” changes things so dramatically. But, for him it does. He also wants a house but is willing to be in an apartment. I feel the same way. I wanted children before all of this happened. I just wanted to wait until atleast January to start. He wants to wait until the cows come home! Has since the beginning. I didn’t think it would hurt this badly. I was told by a friend of mine that is it possible that I am displacing my frustration and that I am trying to “fix what I broke” even if I didn’t actually break it. I don’t see the corrilation necessarily. Guh….
Post # 11
If I remember correctly you werent really sure how you were going to pay for the baby, so I bet he wants that to be more secure. Which is probably a good idea.
Talk to him in more concrete terms. What exactly is he waiting for (not just timing) but emotions? Finances? jobs? Once you have that figured out you can work together to reaching those goals.