(Closed) How to deal with a borderline personality disorder FMIL and how to help fiance?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9143 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Counseling for everyone, individuals, couples, and family.  If you truly want to do something about it and the lines of communication are that damaged you need a third impartial person to mediate.

Post # 5
Member
583 posts
Busy bee

I would recommend that both you and your FI read the book “Walking On Eggshells” (I forget the author right now).  We recommended it all the time at the college counseling center I worked at for people with BPD family members.  It’s an excellent book.

Post # 8
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think you and your FI (especially your FI) should find counselling, even if his mother won’t go. He needs someone that can help him learn how to deal with her. Maybe a support group would help him? There’s bpdfamily.com — they might have a list of local support groups?

Post # 9
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My FI ended up seeing a counselor because of his mother. After a few weeks the counselor diagnosed her as BPD. Therapy really helped him understand the root of her actions (basically— herself, not my FI). Another book suggestion we found very helpful was Toxic Parents. Several different types of toxic parents are described. FI’s mom was 100% described by the Manipulator section and some of the Anger section (those aren’t the names exactly). FI skipped over/skimmed the sections that didn’t apply, like sexual abuse. He was surprised when he read the physical abuse section to find that behavior that he thought was normal from his mom AND dad wasn’t normal or healthy at all. 

I think it would be extremely helpful to your FI. The “martyr” parent is described extensively. Also, the quizzes and questionnaires in the book are especially appealing for people with autism- it’s very logical and mathematical. 

Post # 10
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Counselling for the two of you would be good so you can work together to deal with FMIL. As for her behavior? I honestly don’t know…my ex is BPD and counselling did not help because he didn’t want it to. I do empathize with what you are living through…it is so hard!

Post # 11
Member
2143 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I was in a 2-year relationship with a man with BPD, I can’t imagine the emotional torture of having someone with this condition for a mother. ): I really don’t know what advice to give since cut and run isn’t such a good option here, but I wanted to say my heart goes out to you and your FI.

Post # 12
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

As somebody undergoing counseling since last October with a mom who has BPD, I highly recommend you and your husband go talk to someone! I had to “cut off” my mom since January and just recently started (two weeks ago) talking to her again. But we have STRICT boundaries in place (that I implemented) and I am prepared to cut her off again if she mistreats me or my husband again in the future. It is very, very hard dealing with somebody with BPD. I totally feel your pain!! So sorry you are going through that. I would have your husband read the Toxic Parents as suggested above, but also Co-Dependency No More as well. (For your husband, if he’ll give it a try) I hope you two can get some help! ((hugs))

Post # 14
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Yeah I think setting boundaries with her and sticking to it is key here.  Speaking with a counselor will help you and FI define what those need to be as well as help you strengthen your relationship.

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