Post # 1
Hi bees, I’m in a bit of dilemma here. I have a friend who runs late and changes plan on me last minute. She use to run maybe 10 or so minutes late and I didn’t really think much of it. Now she runs an hour or more late. She asked me Thursday to do something with her tonight. I asked her what she’d like to do and if she wanted to come here or wanted me to come up there. She asked if it was okay to let me know today. Well, this morning she sends me a message at 10am asking if she can come up early so I can color her hair and that she would pay me. I said yeah, that’s fine, what time do you want to come up? She said, 3pm. So, I go ahead and get dressed, go get her color, and go the gym in order to get home on time. I have all the stuff sitting downstairs to do her hair with at 3pm. At 3:05pm she sends me a text saying she’s just now leaving, it will be an hour, she had to go for a run. I thought this was pretty inconsiderate of her.
Other instances are back when she had told me she’d come up to help with wedding stuff (she was my MOH) on a Saturday, she texted me that morning and asked if she could do it another day because she was hungover. I asked her if she could try to come later because I really needed some help getting things ready it being the week before the wedding. She came up later in the day and helped me.
She was suppose to ride up with us to the wedding but at the last minute she decided she wanted to drive. So, she drove up by herself. Then she was 20 minutes late to the rehearsal, while we are standing in the lobby waiting for her.
It’s starting to get old but I don’t know how to handle it without coming off catty or mean.
Post # 3
@greenidlady: Ugh. I hate it when people are this rude and inconsiderate. I would sit her down and calmly explain to her that this behavior is unacceptable and that you feel she’s taking advantage of your friendship and patience. You don’t have to be mean or even sound angry, but this isn’t something that can be subtly suggested or discussed in vague terms. The next time she ends up being really late, start whatever plan/leave for whatever destination without her. It’s not right to make other people wait for her.
Post # 4
Thank you for your response. This is really hurtful to me as I have considered her one of my best friends. I feel like today’s excuse of I’ll be an hour late, I had to go for a run, just blew things out of the water.
Post # 5
Honestly, you just have to stop making plans around her. I have a good friend like that, and I ALWAYS assume she’s going to be late. You should have either not made her your MOH or assumed that she wouldn’t be able to necessarily do the things that a MOH is supposed to. You can try to talk to her (bring up specific examples and how each one made your life difficult), maybe that will help. Otherwise, just plan two scenarios for each event according to whether or not she shows up on time.
Another good friend of mine used to religiously come 20 minutes late to everything. So I literally always showed up to meet her 20 minutes late, and it always worked out! Haha
Post # 6
Im sorry :(. You should tell her to meet you at 5:00 if you need to leave by 6,So she’s early and you don’t have to worry 🙂 Some people are very inconsiderate! I have friends i “lie” to about times so I know if they are late, they will still be early lol.
Post # 7
So…. I have a confession. I used to do this. I was chronically late all the time. With me, it was because I was super-duper depressed and leaving the house made me want to literally kill myself. When I eventually found a treatment that work and stuck with it and therapy, I got better and now I am not ever late. I have some friends who are chronically late because they’re depressed now, and I just let it roll off my back.
But I obviously have no idea if your friend is being late because of things like that or if she’s just inconsiderate without having mental health problems.
And I would stop waiting on her. When I was super-depressed and late, if people left without me I would just meet them wherever. I knew it was my problem and my fault. My friends who are late for similar reasons know too. I think if you leave without her AND she gets upset, then there’s a serious problem.
Post # 8
Sounds like my MOH. She actually was so late she missed our entire rehearsal and showed up partway through the rehearsal dinner. She was supposed to drive up the morning of the rehearsal, so she was late by a matter of hours.
I kind of knew what I was getting into because she’s always been a bit flaky and always runs late. I know when she says she wants to meet somewhere at 6 to automatically add an extra half hour and show up at 6:30. I don’t think there’s any way you can expect that behavior to change. Instead, I try to make soft plans with her. Like I’ll say let’s watch movies and have cocktails at my place after dinner, and it doesn’t matter if she shows up at 6 or at 7. Even better if we make plans with a group of friends because if she’s late, we can get started without her. And if there’s something important she needs to show up for, I recommend we get ready together or have something going on beforehand.
For example, if we have plans to go out for a girls’ night around 8, I might say, come over around 6 and we can get ready together, veg out, etc. I would be mad if she were late for going out, but I don’t mind if she’s late for the pre-going out. Then I can control when we leave to actually go out because she’s with me already.
Similarly, I made sure she was driving up the day before the wedding for the rehearsal and staying at the hotel with me because the rehearsal is one thing, but being late for the wedding would be unacceptable. The day of the wedding, the bridesmaids came down from our hotel rooms for coffee before going to the salon as well, which gave all of us a bit of wiggle room on time.
Post # 9
Thank you ladies for all the responses and comments. I’m just going to shoot for earlier times with her from now on out, so I won’t be as disappointed in the future. We ended up having a good evening. I brought her running late up in joking manner and she apologized profusely. I think she really loses track of time and doesn’t do this to people intentionally.
Post # 10
One of my best friends is like this. She was 30 minutes late to her own wedding! For group things, we honestly tell her earlier times, or go pick her up. If it is something where the timing is really important, like a surpise party, we let her husband know. Honestly, she does not do it to be hurtful at all. She was an only child and is used to life running on her schedule. I would talk to your friend about how much you value your time and the time you spend together, and that it frustrates you when it doesnt seem like she respects your time or values your time together. Hopefully that helps her realize it is a serious problem.
Post # 11
I used to be like this, for many years. It didn’t really occur to me how disrespectful it was. Then someone said to me, “When you don’t show up on time, the message you send is ‘I think I’m more important that you are.’ After that I pretty much stopped being late (except for actual emergencies/unforeseen events). Maybe your MoH just doesn’t realize how often she’s late or that it’s upsetting.Sometimes people need to be smacked in the head (figuratively).
Post # 12
My philosophy is to reward those who show up on time, not those who arrive late. Whatever the event, I would start without her. If you continue to wait for her, you are reinforcing her bad behavior.
Post # 13
@julies1949: I totally agree! Our original plans were for dinner. This morning she asked me to do her hair at 3pm here at my home. She texted me she would be late at 3pm and showed up shortly after 4pm. We usually don’t go to dinner until 6pm. If we had plans to be somewhere at a certain time, we would have went ahead and went.
Post # 14
I legit lie to people like that about the times that things start/when to meet up/etc. Hasn’t bit me in the ass once. Generally works great. (Yes, I have been discovered before, but they weren’t even mad.)
@jpr: Being an only child is no excuse ;-D I’m one and I’m obsessively punctual!
Post # 15
I would sit her down and explain why you’re feeling upset with her, gently.
There’s probably a reason why she’s having difficulty being timely (ADHD? Depression? Stress? etc.), but that doesn’t mean that she shouldn’t try harder once you kindly point out to her that it’s not fair to you.
Post # 16
@greenidlady: I would put her on the spot and flat out ask her if she doesn’t respect your time. It forces her to think about how her actions impact you.
I think most people in practice would just start hanging out with that kind of friend less often, but the only way to fix the problem is to be honest.