How to Deal With A Narcissistic Heavy Drinking MIL while Pregnant??

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@anonabee136:  

I have a narcissistic mother and mother-in-law. I would cut them off it didn’t mean that I would lose the rest of my family or result in a shitstorm from my MIL.

I understand why you wouldn’t want her around your baby. She is a hot mess.

Perhaps you can do supervised short visits? That way, your MIL won’t become even more abusive and hard to be around if she is cut off. 

*hug* I am sorry that you have to deal with this mama. You can PM me if you like. 

Post # 4
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@anonabee136:  I’m sorry you and your husband are going through this. Al-Anon is a wonderful resource for friends and family of problem drinkers, and I encourage you to check it out. They can help you and your husband figure out how to set healthy boundaries with his mother.

Post # 5
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

@anonabee136:  You had me at “narcissistic,” though in my case, it’s my own mother. Like you, I’m pregnant and the news isn’t out yet. In my case, I think she will be happy, but I’m well-prepared for her to whisper behind my back about how I don’t keep my baby warm/clean/etc. enough. 

I’d continue to deal as you’re dealing now: keep your distance. Talk to your DH ahead of time about how you’ll handle various things: does she get to babysit? Will she ever get to keep baby overnight (please, tell me no!)? How long will you stay/visit when you actually see her? Talk about some of your boundaries ahead of time — and make it clear he should speak up/cut the visit short if she does anything untoward. Though she’s an alcoholic, make it clear that visits will only occur if she is sober — if you get there and she’s drunk, you leave immediately and take some time off from visits. While I fully believe this woman may need help, it is not something you want to expose a baby — and a growing child — to. You shouldn’t have to walk away from visits explaining that sometimes grandma is “funny.”

Send limited amounts of pictures. Maybe keep contact sparse and brief. “Baby rolled over today,” etc. Negotiate now on what you will and won’t share: anything about finances, where you are giving birth, who will be in the room when you do, and any of baby’s medical needs may need to be tabled. Narcissists have a way of making it about them, judging your decisions, and trying to compel you to do things their way. Not engaging and keeping your silence is the best power you’ve got.

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