(Closed) How to deal with a racist family member?

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
4441 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@nerd2215:  My family makes the “it’s the age they grew up in” excuse for my grandpa, who is the same way.  I don’t stand for it, and frankly if I were in your shoes it wouldn’t bother me about grandma, her loss for feeling that way.  That’s not a legitimate reason not to like someone.

 

Sorry I don’t have any real advice, grandma needs to realize you’re serious about your FI and you two’s life together, regardless of race.

Post # 5
Member
4441 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@nerd2215:  REALLY?!  That’s crazy!  Have you talked to her yourself to make sure there isn’t some other reason?  Or maybe recruit a family member that’s closer to her to discuss how this is affecting you.

FWIW, I had extended family who refuse to come to my wedding because we’re having a ceremony that won’t involve god.  These are people that know we’re not religious and have never made a stink about it before.  As another poster told me, people can not come for whatever reason they see fit, we just have to deal with it 🙁

Post # 6
Member
7468 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

I would just say something along the lines of “I’m sorry you feel that way Grandma, and I’m sorry you’re choosing to miss out on this joyous time in our life together.”

Post # 7
Member
1297 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think your plan is absolutely correct. I don’t buy into the “respect your elders no matter what” line of thinking. You are making your new family of you + your FI now. She can decide whether she wants to be a part or not.

Post # 9
Member
1719 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Cory_loves_this_girl:  Ditto.

@nerd2215:  Good luck!

I had family drama of my own when it came to my grandparents.  My grandparents was set on having my DH convert to Catholicism and refused to attend the wedding.  I was upset for a while but I told them my piece and that was that.  There isn’t much you can do about it but hope that she can see past your FI’s skin color.

Post # 10
Member
9143 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

That would be mos tof my family’s reaction as well and many would likely sit out the wedding due to their ignorant view.  I doubt grandma will have a change of heart about this and I am sorry you have to deal with this.  If grandma chooses not to attend your wedding then that is her decision and you and your FH are going to have to deal with it.  Other than that my only advice would be to keep the door open so that she can apologize and reunite with you and your FH in the future if she chooses to do so but so long as she maintains her racist views I would not spend much time with her and I certainly would not allow my children around her because who knows what she might be telling them when you’re not paying attention.  Hatred is taught, not born in.

Post # 11
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m sorry that you are having to deal with this… It seems as people get older, they get braver with their words.  They dont care anymore if they hurt anyones feelings or anything.  My granny definitely got a little “fiesty” at the end (a nice way to put it).

Post # 12
Member
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

My grandmother was never like that, actually she was quite tolerant of everyone. My parents on the other hand are the complete oppisite. If someone even mentions  east indians or native indians they flip. My fiances family is half native so.. when they finally get together it’ll be interesting! 

Post # 13
Member
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My husband is black and I am white, I haven’t spoken to my grandparents since they found out we were dating, or rather I should say they haven’t spoken to me. It does hurt and I believe my grandmother would be accepting, it’s my grandfather that is the intolerant jerk.

I knew prior to them finding out it would be an issue, I just didn’t care, as much as I love them, I knew I loved my husband more. I wrote my grandmother an email and told her we will always be willing to forgive her, but I know she will never be able to forgive herself for missing the most important times of my life.

I hope you are able to find peace with the situation or that she comes to her senses.

Post # 14
Member
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I have one grandmother who is racist, and I’ve removed her from my life.  Her intolerance has no place in my life.  I almost had to do the same with my father, but he decided to give FI a chance and realized that FI is a great guy and gets along with him pretty well now.

Neither of them have any excuse for their behavior.  My other grandmother has had ZERO problem with my interracial relationship.  When I told her about FI (then just BF) she said, “I don’t care what color he is.  He makes you happy, and that’s all that matters.”  My 90-year-old great-aunt said basically the same thing.  The fact that those two can be so tolerant and my other grandmother and my father weren’t just amazes me.  Of course, my father seems to have gotten much better now that he’s spent time with my FI, so our relationship is much improved now.

Post # 15
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee

I’m so sorry for you. Intolerance of race, religion, lifestyle are horrible reasons for family to be upset about a marriage IMHO. I hope you are able to move past it with her, one way or another.

Post # 16
Member
4275 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Sorry you have to deal with this, I know its hard. I would leave her be, if she is going to let her racist views get in the way of being with family and can’t put them aside to show her support, that is her deal and a very lonely one.

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