Post # 1
Sorry, I just tried to think of a better word than “bad” but couldn’t and didn’t feel like wasting time on it anymore so please take that title with a grain of salt!
I am the Maid/Matron of Honor in my friend’s wedding taking place in June. They have been engaged since December so the other bridesmaids and I have already had discussions about the shower and bachelorette party. There are a total of 5 of us in the bridal party and we live all over the place. I’m the only one who lives in the same state as the bride. The bridal shower is being held a couple days before the wedding where the wedding is taking place so that everyone does not have to travel multiple times, this was the bride’s request. We have been throwing around bach party ideas, I have been very up front and have asked people what they can afford, I tell them ideas and ask for alternatives etc. The bride’s ideal bachelorette party would be something like Miami and her main concern is having it be something that everyone can afford and having all her BMs there. Keep in mind, no matter what we do, the majority of the bridal party will have to travel, and basically fly unless people want to drive 8+ hours. My roommate’s (also friends with the bride) parents have a condo in South Florida that we can use. So, I talked to the bride after not getting a ton of feedback from the BMs and she thought that was a great idea. I sent out an email explaining that to all the BMs and said if anyone wasn’t ok with it to let me know and to tell me dates in April (when the bride wants to do it) that they would be unavailable. That was earlier this week. I only heard back from 2 of the BMs, the other two said nothing (and have been very unresponsive about everything thus far). So today, I chose a date with the bride, and sent an email to all the other bridesmaids telling them that was the date we picked and that if there was a problem with it to let me know now becuase I am going to send an email to all those invited as a “save the date” next week. I then get an email back from one of the unresponsive bridesmaids telling me that she will not be able to participate because she has another wedding right after this one and she is now getting married in October (engagement just happened and btw the bride found out that this Bridesmaid or Best Man got engaged from facebook. the Bridesmaid or Best Man didn’t even call or text or anything. she just posted a pic of her ring on facebook that the bride saw) and so she really has to save money and can only afford a plane ticket to the bride’s wedding and nothing else. I just can’t believe it! Why do people accept being a bridesmaid when they aren’t even going to be there for the bride??? It’s not like all of a sudden I decided that we are going to take this unexpected trip for the bach party that’s going to cost a couple hundred dollars and they have no time to plan or save for it. Doing something like this has been set in stone since day one because we all live so far apart! So essentially, she has already had 9 months to save plus all the time between now and April! I am worried the bride is going to be extremely hurt and now the financial burden of paying the bride’s share will be split between 4 of us rather than 5. Maybe I am in the minority but I will do anything within reason for my friends who are getting married. And when I am the Maid/Matron of Honor or in charge of planning, I always make sure to be transparent about cost and I askk up front about what people can afford or are willing to do before planning it! I am really upset right now and just needed to vent. Any advice would be appreciated. Side note: the bride doesn’t know that this Bridesmaid or Best Man is saying she isn’t participating in the bach party. I don’t know if I should ask the Bridesmaid or Best Man to tell her (I highly doubt she’ll do it on her own) or if I should gently do it myself.
Post # 3
I would ask the Bridesmaid or Best Man to let the bride know, and that if she doesn’t do it within a reasonable timeframe then to tell the bride.
Also, if the financial costs are the main issue (which is reasonable as she engaged herself), maybe suggest to the bride to give the Bridesmaid or Best Man a poliet way to back out?
Post # 4
I agree that someone should not accept being in a bridal party if they aren’t prepared to be part of the events however, a surprise engagement of her own would likely change things pretty fast so I think she deserves a bit of a break. She was honest about only being able to afford airfare for one event, I think that’s totally fair.
Post # 5
I kinda think this is a lot to expect of a bm myself.. to fly out for a bach party? With that said, she should have told you before instead of not giving you a response, but if I didn’t receive a response, I would assume that’s a no, I wouldn’t assume she was going and then expect her to. It sounds pretty costly since she is getting married herself now, so I’d try to be a bit understanding and I’m sure the bride will understand if they’re really good friends.
Post # 6
I agree with the pp. She isn’t giving the bride a hard time on buying the dress right? I think it’s a little unreasonable to expect a Bridesmaid or Best Man to take time and money to fly for a bach party. Those really shouldn’t be a standard Bridesmaid or Best Man expsense, IMO. That’s an extra. BM’s have to pay for so much anyway. And with so many Bms living all over the country, I don’t think it’s reasonable (in some cases) to expect them to come to the shower, either. Sometimes people just can’t take the time or $$ to fly multiple times. I ahd a Bridesmaid or Best Man who couldn’t make my shower. (I didn’t have a bach.) The last wedding I was in, the Maid/Matron of Honor wasn’t at the shower because of work. (And that bride didn’t have a bach either.)
I think the imporant thing is that she is on top of what she needs to do for the actual wedding. And my guess is the other BMs who are slow to respond about the Out of Town bach party, are probably also not keen on the idea of doing something that will cost them more money and time. Isn’t the shower just before the wedding? That means these girls will probably have to take more time off work to be part of the wedding. So asking them to take off again for the bach party, might be too much. (If they can make it great. If not, let it go.)
Post # 7
I agree that it’s a little unreasonable to expect a Bridesmaid or Best Man to be able to fly out for a bachelorette party. Only about half of my Bridesmaid or Best Man made it to my b-party and they were all local. Life does get in the way sometimes, and it sounds like this Bridesmaid or Best Man has a lot going on in her own life too.
She is going to be there for the wedding and the shower, so I would just let her know that she needs to call the bride to let her know that she won’t be able to attend the b-party. It’s not your responsibility to break that news to her.
Post # 8
I think in the end this is between the Bridesmaid or Best Man and the Bride. That Bridesmaid or Best Man should let the bride know that she can’t make it and then the bride can decide if that’s okay or if she wants to change her plans or whatever.
Post # 9
I totally feel you. I’m planning a bach party right now and it’s like herding cats and pulling teeth at the same time trying to get people to respond.
Let this be between the bride and the Bridesmaid or Best Man. You’ve done everything you can.
Post # 10
Honestly, I think you need to cut the girl a break. When I was a bride, none of my BMs lived in town, so I had a shower in another state and flew out for it, in order to accommodate them. Even then, two of them still didn’t make it because it would have been a 3 hour drive. And I scheduled my bachelorette for the Thursday night before the wedding because most of them would already be in town–even then, one of them couldn’t make it because she didn’t fly in until about an hour before the rehearsal. Several of them had trouble affording the hotel, so I covered part of their hotel stay. Money is an issue for everyone, and BMs are required to pay for a lot of things, so if they can’t afford one of the extra things the bride wants them to do, I think the bride should help out or be okay with them not being able to be there.
Post # 11
People do have lives outsidee of weddings (i dont mean to sound harsh) There’s no way that the Bridesmaid or Best Man could have known she was getting engaged. She whould have responded earlier though if she thoght that she would not be able to participate…Even though the Bach party is alot in addition to the wedding expenses. I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man in a wedding on a cruise…The bride lived 2.5 hours away from me and she lived another 6 hours or so away from the port the ship left from so we really had a lot to do BUT we worked together to lesson the strain for everyone by carpooling etc. and it all worked out. I was engaged at the time but I knew about the other wedding in advance and as a result was still prepared to participate in the other wedding.
Post # 12
I’m sorry, but I agree with the majority here, that the poor Bridesmaid or Best Man needs to be cut a break. She isn’t a bad bridesmaid because she can’t afford to fly all over the country multiple times in one year. Whenever I’m asked to be a bridesmaid, I just assume that means that I’m responsible for my dress, shoes, hair, getting to the wedding. I would never assume that that meant I would have to fly again for a vacation. She probably felt bad and didn’t want to say anything, but I would never have enough money to afford to fly to a wedding, plan my own wedding and fly to Florida for a bachelorette party all within a short timeline. I don’t think that makes her a bad bridesmaid, sorry.
I think you should just tell the bridesmaid that she should be the one to tell the bride and then continue planning the party without her, but I don’t think you should make her feel bad about her situation either.
Post # 13
it sounds like the bridesmaid accepted being a bridesmaid before she got engaged. weddings are expensive. she may just be feeling overwhelmed with the cost of her wedding on top of the cost of being a bridesmaid.
i also don’t see the big deal about the bridesmaid not making it to the bach party. it would have been nice for her to have been able to make it but things happen.
Post # 14
Thank you all for your comments. I guess the thing that upsets me is that I feel like I have given them all many chances to tell me up front what they can and can’t do and when you don’t speak up, there is nothing i can do about it. If she had said up front that she would not be able to buy a plane ticket for a bach party, i could have talked to the bride to see how important it was for her to have that particular Bridesmaid or Best Man there and if it was that important, we could have planned to do something closer to her. But since I didn’t know, there was nothing I could do about it.
I think I disagree with a lot of you in that when I agree to be a bridesmaid, I expect to pay for my dress and shoes, hair (not makeup because I can do my own just fine) as well as costs of hosting and attending the shower and attending the bachelorette party. Yes, things come up that are uncontrollable but if you have over a year to save up and your opinion is solicited over and over again but you say nothing, then that bothers me. I would 100% agree with all of you if on my own I had planned a destination bachelorette party and just told all the BMs that they were expected to be there and then I was getting angry that they couldn’t do what I decided. I did not do this though. I have communicated with them MANY times to try to figure out something that we ALL could attend because that is what is important to the bride. Having everyone there.
And I’m also not sure why my experience is so different (maybe I am older than a lot of people who responded?) but I think destination bach parties are becoming the norm and I have had to travel for every single bachelorette party I have gone to except one and that is because the bride had a child and didn’t want to leave him for more than one night.
Post # 15
Another update. When I responded to the Bridesmaid or Best Man on friday i said i would be talking to the bride about the bach party more after the weekend and told her that i figured she would want to tell the bride herself. I just asked the bride if she had contacted her about the bach party and she said no. They have been emailing all morning and the Bridesmaid or Best Man didn’t even mention it.