(Closed) How to deal with disappointing others?

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
99 posts
Worker bee

Not married yet..2 more months….

But, I personally don’t see that as disappointing her. I see it has disappointing YOU! Your totally right though, it’s techically your money and you can definitely spend it how you want. You sound responsible to me since you have opted for a less expensive dress to compensate for the cost of the invites you want.

Everyone is different and has different things that are a priority for their wedding!

I think you should one more time explain to your mom your reasonings and then order the invites you want and be done with it. You will forever keep your invite even if no one else does! You don’t want to be disappointing yourself when you look at them if they aren’t want you wanted!

Post # 4
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Do what you want.  It’s none of her business how much your invites cost.  It’s not a big deal.

I’m dealing with this kind of BS myself.  My FI is an only child.  My mom has 2 daughters (one being me).  My mom has made no requests or demands- she just offers to help and always just does what I ask. 

My FMIL however is full of ‘requests’ accompanied by ‘this is my only son, I only get to do this once, poor me, do what you want, I wouldn’t want to impose’ guilt-trippy kind of crap.

Well guess who else only gets to do this once….. ME!

God willing you only get to do this once- don’t let other people ruin it for you! 

Post # 5
Member
67 posts
Worker bee

I personally think it’s strange that your mother would be upset by invitations that are nicer than what she’s offered up. Tell her that you have saved especially for the invitations and that you’ve cut your budget in other areas. It’s your money after all!

I do understand this topic though– FI’s parents laid a huge guilt trip on him because we are not getting married in the Catholic church. (Neither of us are believers, though his parents are extremely devout.) We are compromising by having my brother, an ordained minister, give a blessing. 

 

Post # 6
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

When it is all said and done, and she sees how beautiful the invitations are, she will get over it. It’s your big day, and if you cut other corners to get nicer invites, you should be able to get them. I have a similar arrangement with my parents; I only discuss the things they are paying for with them. The rest of them, I discuss with my FI and then order. It may help that I am in Denver and my family is in Chicago;)

 

 

Post # 7
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee

maybe there can be a compromise?  Letterpress is lovely but does come with a cost.  we were originally planning to get that but it was out of our budget.  We ended up with some beautiful custom designed invites that we love.  I think even more than the letter press stuff =)  it will all work out a the end.  don’t worry.  my parents wanted traditional ones too, but once they saw the personalization on the actual invites, they appreciated the time and effort that went into making it.

Post # 8
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2008

How about crying?  Seriously, break down in front of your mom and tell her how hard it is that you feel like you have to make everyone happy and you want it to be *your* wedding, you really had your heart set on these invites but you don’t want to disappoint her.  Ok, maybe that’s not your style…but it sounds like you’ve tried reasoning with her and explaining things; it doesn’t do to get angry; so as a last resort, guilt trip her with tears until she’s begging you to make your own decisions.

 Note: I haven’t tried this tactic; we’re paying for the whole thing ourselves and so NO ONE besides FI and I have input unless we specifically ask for it.  It’s heaven.

Post # 9
Member
471 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

MissAlbany,

I think Momma Albany is just trying to look into the future a bit. To your mother (and myself because I am completely guilty of this) it is your "one splurge"…..But what if you see something later that you also want to splurge on and just "have to have" as well? I think she is just trying to ensure that you don’t regret this decision because there are many other little details to take care of later on that also requires money.

Don’t pick something because you don’t want to disappoint your mom. Just try to go down your list and check out what you have left and how that may or may not be a priority for you.

I don’t mean to come across as being negative but I also speak from a little personal experience. I saved and splurged on the venue, then I thought I’ll splurge on the photographer…Thing after thing, it adds up. I saved a lot in some areas but in the end it’s really hard to pick because I later realized it wasn’t just that ONE thing. I later realized the rest of the stuff that I had to book and get done weren’t as economical as I thought they would be and I ended up spending more than I originally thought. 

 

Post # 10
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

It’s definitely a generational thing, and this won’t be the last thing your mom will disagree with you on.  My mom is appalled by most things that I spend money on.  My feeling is that I’ve worked really hard for what I earn, so I should be able to spend what I want, where I want…as long as it’s within my means.

Times have changed, and weddings aren’t your every day cookie cutter events anymore.  You sound like a very sensible person, when you describe that you bought your dress from David’s in order to have extra money in yuor budget for the nicer invites.

Pick and choose your battels, and if the invitations are what you want, then do it. 

I learned quickly to tell my mom AFTER I made the decision on something and when asked how much I spent, I answered with, "I spent an amount that was within my budget".  That drove mom nuts, but it was better than dealing with the guilt.

Post # 11
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2008

DEFINITELY go with what you and your guy want!!  Even though our families only want the best for us, I think sometimes they forget who the day is really about. 

 I went a little over my budget on my invites but they represented us and totally set the mood for our upcoming big day – one month away!!  yikes!!  I’ve gotten so many comments on how they are totally us.  Even my FI aunt said that his grandmother would have loved them if she were still here to see them.  I smile every time an RSVP card comes in, because I know the invites were exactly what I wanted down to the dried flower details.

BUT, i’m also really aware of my budget since we are financing everything ourselves so I found a couple of places where I could adjust to take up what I went over. 

I’ve been fortunate that families have kept to themselves for the most part.  The few comments I’ve gotten I’ve reminded myself that this is our day.  My mom isn’t happy that I’m wearing a traditional dress and veil even though this is my second marriage.  But, this is my FI’s first marriage and he wanted a traditional dress.  And it is he and I taking those vows and exchanging rings, not her.  So what he and I want is what we’ll get!! 

Good luck and don’t let your mom get you down!! 

Post # 12
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee

What about a compromise that will make both of you feel better? Have a friend or a wonderful (a low-cost) Etsy designer design your invitations and then have them printed by a relatively low cost letterpress vendor (lots of recommendations here on weddingbee).  Or sign up for a letterpress class together with your mom at a place that allows you to rent time at the letterpress?

Post # 13
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2008

I feel your pain… I am constantly reminded that my mother did their wedding for X amount & her dad got away easy. 30+ yrs ago, her dress was like $25. of course FI & I are paying for our OWN wedding, so she is also getting away "easy". yet she is still naturally curious to see how much im spending on certain things. for example dress, shoes, veil, per guest at the reception, etc. the best method is to be up front & say, you may think this is a lot, but this is what i am willing to spend of my own money because this is important to me. or say that youre trying to stimulate the economy. but beyond that, its not like shes goign to disown you for getting nice invites! if anything, shell hear compliments from the guests (& make sure to tell her if you hear them.)

Post # 14
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

If your mom is inclined to get like this when you disagree with her recommendations for invitations, you have lots of fun ahead of you.  You just need to get a little tougher.  You’re not "disappointing" her.  You’re just disagreeing with her, and that’s okay.  You’re all grown up now, and you get to do that.  My mom and I have disagreed about a lot of things in the planning process, and after it’s all said and done, she has mostly come and told me how nice it all looks, which is her way of telling me she was wrong.  I don’t know what your mom’s deal is – whether she thinks letterpress will be too fancy, or too expensive, or what – but if you really want it, and think you have figured out how to afford it, then you should go ahead.  Just don’t discuss how much it costs with her, and for heavens’ sake if you have some kind of budget crisis later, don’t go to her, as you will end up hearing about the invitations all over again.  It’s your wedding.  You don’t really get to do whatever you want, but you do get the invitations you want if you can figure out how to pay for them.

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