- 1 year ago
I need to vent!
I’m sorry this is so long, I had all intentions of it being short and sweet. But I am getting stressed over my engagement, and it’s causing me to feel a bit like I’m making the wrong choice… even though in my gut I know that I will be happy with him. I just have all this doubt (is that normal?)
Right now, I feel like I’m the only one planning this wedding, and everyone seems pretty happy to reject my ideas or point out the flaws in my plans.
I feel like this wedding doesn’t have much to do with me, and as much as we believe in equal representation in our relationship, there’s a tiny part of me that resents the fact that I can’t just plan out the wedding I’d like to have without anyone’s input. Tiny part of me, I promise.
Even so, I’m not kidding when I say all of my ideas have been rejected… by my fiancé, by my mom, my sister, and our friends. The fiance rejections have been the most frustrating. I don’t want a cookie cutter wedding, but everyone else seems to and I feel that I’ve been forced to settle big time.
If I try to bring it up to my fiancé, he has a hard time understanding what I mean. So then I get upset and we usually argue. I hate fighting so much, but I really can’t find a way to help him understand how I feel about the wedding stuff without sounding like a big jerk.
Plus the money is stressing me out. I’d much rather buy a house than have a wedding. This bothers my fiancé, who doesn’t have as much of a problem with it as I do. I think my main problem is that I’m paying for half of it, and so far I feel that I haven’t had any of my input taken seriously by anyone! We’re budgeting $20,000, so it’s not like “half of it” is a number that I can say, “oh it’s OK it was just some money I had saved up.”
While my ideas have been rejected, my fiancé is very stubbornly standing up for his own ideas… kind of bigger ones, though. I am uncomfortable with a religious ceremony, but he wants one so at this point I’ve given up explaining myself and I guess we’re having one. I’m going to church this Sunday. I’m voluntarily going to church for the first time in 10 years. It was even my idea. Granted, it’s a Unitarian church (never been, just decided to try something new) which may not be so bad, but to me the whole ceremony situation is a bit weird and feels like I’m rubbing a cheese grater against my principles.
My bigger issue is the reception. He is pretty adamant about inviting all of our friends to a big reception with a grand entrance and a cocktail hour, plated food, et cetera. He wants a real photo booth and doesn’t like the idea of a faux-to booth, he wants a lot of dancing, and thinks it’s unfair to our guests if we don’t have an open bar. He’d like an after party with a bar somewhere, he thinks hotels just give your guests “welcome” bags without charging, and he’s really interested in going to visit venues. I don’t want any of that, really! I’ve been the only one contacting these places because he wants to check them out, but I don’t enjoy doing it and think most of them are waaay over the top. I’m probably doing it because I’m secretly hoping he’ll hate them all, but there’s a part of me that so scared that we’ll get sucked into a place that I don’t like. It’s all stressing me out!
NOW, don’t get me wrong, I love my man and even though I’m complaining about him and this wedding, I don’t mean anything wrong by him. I think he really will help me out in the future, he’s just not quite there yet. Right now we are mostly just butting heads and being stubborn in our own ways.
It is just. So. Frustrating.
It’s so frustrating that sometimes I find myself saying things to myself like, if I don’t marry him I could be single forever and maybe that would be ok. Or: if the engagement is this rough I am afraid of what our marriage will be like. Does anyone ever think this? Like I said, I think I am making the right choice with him but sometimes I just imagine running away and becoming a hermit in a forest somewhere or something.
I was thinking that I could use some suggestions on how to not be a giant ball of stress. I am pretty low-key, and so things like pedicures and massages are not “me” things, but right now I have nothing to help me deal with stress. I’m trying to take it with a sense of humor, but that isn’t really helping me to feel and less stressed out about this all.